Online dating - army guy

[ButterflyKimchi]

Hi everyone. Looking for advice.
Matched on Bumble. Army guy. Currently deployed, won’t be back until October. Been talking for 2 months (messages and almost daily phone calls or video calls). I’m happily single so not fussed if it doesn’t work out.

Good conversations, seems like a down to earth guy. Real time video chats shows his work, uniform, colleagues are all military so no doubt about that. Social media confirms that too.

Issue I have is… his schedule! We’re not a thing obviously I know that but we have an unspoken routine about talking daily. But I know he has no obligation to talk to me daily, I get that fully. If we don’t talk, or if he doesn’t say call, all good I have my own stuff to do too.

The issue is he will promise to call say 5pm and say stuff like I’mfree all night I’m all yours for the evening but then re-schedules because of some work thing/ colleague leisure activities on camp. It’s fine because I have patched him too myself once with my girl friends. But I feel like it’s a common occurrence for him. Whereas mine was a one off . I’m Cut short when I’m in the middle of a conversation. Then say he’ll call me back. Then when he calls me back, all of a sudden need to cut it short again… and he’ll say he’ll call me back in an hour. Like I’m not waiting yet again another hour to be told we need to re-schedule. I feel like it’s wasting my time.

im not just sitting waiting, but I will choose an activity that takes an hour to do, like laundry or wash the dishes. I like to plan things out, that’s who I am. That’s how I get to where I am today.

I’m fully ready to call it quits and forget about it. I won’t be sad. But he is nice and I want to see it where it goes.

what’s everyone’s thoughts? Does he deserve a chance. Also I should add, in the future, he’ll be away twice a year at least for months at a time. It means I have to deal with this schedule issue thing again and again. Which is a big deal to me. Need some words of wisdom on MN.

thanks

Does he deserve a chance? No, no one is deserving of your time or a relationship. You don't owe him anything just because he's nice to you and he gives you attention when he feels like it. It's your choice about whether the kind of relationship he can offer matches what you're looking for.

I wouldn't touch a man in the army with a barge pole.

I would probably nicely end it and say you appreciate his time but before you get too far in, you’re not overly enjoying the lack of availability.

My DP is a submariner and right from the start it was a decision I had to make before we got overly invested. Currently our life is planned on a month by month basis whilst waiting for deployment and also having to do 24 hour duties on board. It’s not a life for everyone and it is different from a typical employer.

You may end up as a casual type relationship or it could be something for the long run but unfortunately being tied into contracts it isn’t as easy as just discussing finding a new job.

It always is annoying when you really click with someone but circumstances make it difficult. May be worth sticking it out another few weeks and seeing if anything changes.

Move on. From experience knowing military wives, their husbands are married to their jobs. I’m not saying all but you’ll spend a lot of time waiting around for him to ring / finish work / come home whether from the day job or deployment. It’s a lonely life. But, as I said just an observation from seeing and hearing stories from military wives.

Maybe he’s actually a scammer and has lots of people he’s talking to.

Anyway, I’d not be bothering any further if this is how he is at only 6 months in!

Well I’m talking to a few other people too until I have found exclusivity.

but I know for sure he is single. I have done my due diligence.

Yea, your problem is talking for 2 months, it builds a connection, so youre already having trouble and second guessing ending it. Nobody should chat longer than 2 weeks before meeting someone online. If circumstances dictate otherwise, too bad. Why on earth is this guy trying to hook someone while on deployment? At best, you're a frivolous distraction when he has a spare moment and you've been willing to entertain him for 2 months.
Tbh, you lost me at army, I would never touch a squaddie with a bargepole.

this is so accurate, it’s exactly how I feel, waiting around. No he doesn’t want casual. He wants to meet up in October and properly date.

I did try to friend zone him at one point. He is nice and probs a really cool person to be friends with. But he said he is attracted to me.

I can tell he is careful with the wording he’s using seeing as we haven’t met. But he’s wanting something long term and if we were to click as we clicked over the phone, he’s definitely interested in long term, as opposed to short term.

that’s why I’m scratching my head. One thing I don’t wanna do is waste 4 months of my time either to not click or click but have to deal with waiting around all the time for him.

thanks everyone anyway. Appreciate it. I gonna think about your comments. At this point, leaning towards calling it quits.

Just table him until October. Don't interact with him from now until then. Just say, "Let's shelve this for now but if you are in town in October, contact me."

You will build a false sense of intimacy if you carry on this long distance thing. When (if) you meet up in person, you may instantly hate his energy.

In the meantime, you continue to look for someone more suitable, more logistically available.

Well I didn’t know he’s in deployment until 2 weeks in. He left it out and told me he won’t be back until October when he was on the topic of taking me out on a date.

it was shortly after that I friend zoned him, wish him all the best ..etc but he popped back up after a few days and we got chatting over the phone and video again. Plus I had some perosnal stuff to sort.

tbh initially, I was just talking to fill the gap between my busy “normally” civvy schedule eg on the bus/ on the train, my 40 mins walk home..etc. then like you said formed some sort of friendship connection now so now ended up giving more of my time.

It definitely is a confusing situation to be in! If you are quite content being single and having a few different options then maybe cool it down a bit, pull back on the calls and then if you still fancy meeting in October then go for it.

The only other thing I would be worried about is how it plays out once he is back home. It is different when you have more ability to do things and are not on active duty. Right now he is in a “stuck situation” so lots of time to connect and chat but once he’s back and is around friends/hobbies/socialising it could be even more difficult.

The waiting around part is difficult and honestly I would only recommend this lifestyle to people who have very, very good relationships. No point waiting around for someone who when you are together is filled with arguments and toxicity.

You don’t seem that into it. You need to walk away. He’s deserves someone freely willing to give their time and so do you. The life of a wife or girlfriend to someone in the forces can be lonely and you need to be dedicated and 100% in. They do drop things here and there, they can be called away and deployment can be hard. My partner was deploying 6 weeks after we met, it was only because we were both so dedicated to it working that it did. Yes he had to end calls quickly etc but that’s part of the deal. It’s been 8 years and he’s left the forces but we’re happy, always have been. I don’t think this guys for you.

You'll be married by the new year.

I'm wary of army men after my best friend dated a guy in the military who seemed great, but turned out to have a wife and kids and covered up his double life with 'deployments' and inescapable 'duties'.

Aware not all army men will be like him by any means, but it's always made me suspicious 😅

words cost nothing, OP

I’m a STBX army wife. My STBXH managed to skillfully cover up a double life with loads of different women for 16 years using deployment and training. This sort of behaviour is rife in the military. Ask any divorce lawyer.