Am i overreacting

[Firsttimemumsteph]

So I've just had a go at my BF for not offering to care for our baby. I feel like I want a break but neither of us have anywhere to go.

We have been together for almost 5 years and we have a 4 month old baby. Of course I stay at home with the baby and I do all the night shifts and obviously take care of her during the day.

I get annoyed that he only wants to do stuff to help me care for her instead of actually caring for her himself. Like he'll make me a bottle for her but I have to feed her etc.

It was his day off again and as usual he's been playing games for the last 5 hours whilst I'm taking care of our baby. I've told him so many times that I need a break too but all he says is that he's sorry and he literally does everything just because I've said. I have to ask him to even interact with her. He says he wants to be a dad but doesn't show me that he does.

Am I overreacting to this or...? What should I do ?

Well I mean if you keep letting him away with doing sod all, he'll keep doing sod all.

What do you mean 'of course I do all the night feeds' ?

Tell him 'tonight it's your turn to do the night feeds'. 'It's your turn to change her nappy'.

Amd make it clear 'if you do a shit job (pardon the pun) I won't take over, you need to learn to care for your child'.

Then once he is in the swing of things: 'I'm not going to tell you what to do, of you hear her cry, go to her and deal with it. It's not always my responsibility. It's whoever is available. So step up or sod off'.

If he continues to be useless, leave him.

Well he’s a prize dad - not.
I think he needs to grow up.
And you need to tell him you’re going out for two hours and his baby needs looking after.

You can also just go 'here's the nappies, here's the bottle, I'm taking my day off today so I'll see you in a few hours' and go out btw. On occasion.

He's relying on you being too chicken to do that.
Don't be. He needs to learn how to care for his kid and he can't if you keep doing it. There isn't a problem that he can't Google.

It's 2024 not 1950.

What should I do?

You should be making plans to be a single parent, because you actually already are. Unless you lay down an ultimatum that he needs to grow up, and he immediately pulls his shit together and starts acting like an adult and parent, your relationship is already over.

Sounds like your daughter has a man child for a father. Does she have his surname or your surname?. Yet more power handed over all too freely if the child has his surname.

What do you want to teach your daughter about relationships going forward? You want her to be ok in the distant future with she of course doing all the night feeds?. Raise the bar higher for yourself and your child.

And dispose of his gaming console.

You hand him the baby and go out for about 5 hours, that's what you do.

Otherwise you are on duty 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and get no break whatsoever from being the default parent.

Leave him to it. He will have to cope.

I feel bad if I just leave her with him. I literally haven't spoken to him in like 4 hours and we've been in the same room.

I have been told by his friends that he games with that I'm controlling because I wanted him to stop gaming in the evening to spend time with me. So if I make him look after her I'll probably be considered as controlling again.

Why do you care about the opinions of his idiot friends?

Stop being a doormat and put your fucking foot down. At this point you are allowing him to be a useless man child. If you don't address this now, the relationship is completely doomed. It's now or never.

You're right 😕 what do I say?? I've said this to him before - he'll literally play dad for the rest of the day and then go back to normal.

Draw up a schedule on paper... Fit in some free time for yourself when he adds gaming to his slots..

Stop caring about his friends and care about your and your babies wellbeing.

Don't know how you haven't lost your shit at him. You need to learn to be less of a pushover in life as unfortunately nice people don't get put first. Theres another person to stand up for now x

I tried that - that was when his friends told me I was being "controlling".

I'm going to talk to him tonight when the baby is in bed, I don't think it's going to change much tbf. All he does it agree and apologises and then goes back to normal. Gaming has always been the issue in our relationship and I really hoped that having our baby would help him pay more attention to us. But clearly not, he did get better - and I honestly don't mind him gaming - it's when he's on it all day. And I feel like a single parent.

I'll talk to him tonight

To his friends I would have said 'get the fuck out of my house and never come here again'.

How dare they.

They sound horrible and manipulative and clearly he's a similar creature if he not only, didn't call out their bullshit right then and there but also, remains friends with them.

It's not controlling to expect a dad to parent his child.

I'm a gamer. It's not an excuse to shirk my responsibilities. If I'm acting like a dick in doing so then someone bloody well should call me out on it.

Tbh op based on your updates I think he's a lost cause.

I would tell him it was the console or me.
And thats something I could never imagine saying to someone as I fucking love my console. But seriously, he does need to choose.

Don't take it from him. THAT would be controlling.

But sit him down and say 'look, I am heartbroken its come to this but you clearly have an addiction. You're a father now and you are missing your daughters life. Wasting away infront of the TV. So I'm sorry but I won't enable it any more. The console has to go, entirely, and you need to be a father to your child. Or, I'm going to have to leave you. Take tonight to decide, it has to be your choice. I'm not telling you to do anything. I'm asking you to decide what's more important. Being an actual father and my partner. Or gaming. Choose wisely because this is your last chance. If you don't step up or, ever step down from parenting again, I'll never come back. Know this'.

If he acts angrily or doesn't change, leave him and never go back. Claim child maintenance ASAP.

Tell him he's not a teenager anymore he's a dad, then pass baby

Sounds like it’s ultimatum time. You have given him plenty of chances and he keeps failing to step up for you and your child.

Tell him that if he expects you to parent single handedly then you are prepared to do so without him around. If he wants to remain in a relationship with you then he needs to start being a parent and a proper partner to you.

Tell him you are tired of being called controlling for wanting him to prioritise his family over gaming. That it is selfish and you are no longer interested in hearing the opinions of his gaming friends who are just enabling his neglectful behaviour.

You say gaming has always been an issue in your relationship. Do you think he could have a gaming addiction? If you do think his behaviour is compulsive then I would seek out some advice from a professional about how to help him with this. Of course, you can only help him if he himself accepts that he has a problem and wants to change. And you don’t need to stay with him unless it is what you want. Prioritise your own happiness and that of your child.

So?

He's acting like a petulant teen not a parent.

And if you left him (now there's a thought) he really would have to grow up when it was his turn to have her

Sounds silly but I never thought gaming could be an addiction but it definitely seems like it is. Don't get me wrong - since having the baby he's definitely stepped back from gaming a bit - it's just he's leaving me to do everything whilst he's gaming. I have to wait for him to finish a game so he can take the baby just so I can go to the toilet.

I've spoken to him tonight and I've said this is his last chance. I said I felt like a single parent for literally doing everything for our child and that he needs to step up. I told him how important it was for me to have him in our daughter's life because I never had a dad growing up - so it hits home a lot harder for me. I really hope he listens this time because I will be going. I just don't really have anywhere I can go atm.

I'm sick of being a doormat.

Thank you to everyone who has replied and given advice! It means so much that everyone thinks I'm not overreacting and what he's doing isn't okay. Fingers crossed we get into a better place