How much contact is reasonable

[fuzzywuzzy]

Very quick back ground, I'm going thro a very messy divorce, whereby ex is refusing to sign anything ie the divorce papers (he was served them so I'll get the divorce regardless).
He acts very pleasant to agencies eg CSA, he tried to convince them he would pay maintenance directly to me (this was in February), and I asked the CSA to collect the monies, I have yet to see a penny (he earns a lot of money and the amount the CSA have worked out will not make any kind of dent in his lifestyle at all).

He was very violent over the last two years of our marriage, in front of our children.

He is now demanding contact, but I do not want him to have unsupervised contact as the one time he had contact shortly after we parted company, he proceeded to traumatise my eldest child by graphically describing our parting fight. I retaliated the final time as I honestly thought I would die, I basically had get away from him and he had me pinned against a corner whilst my youngest was screaming at her father to 'stop hitting mummy she is bleeding'.

Actually to be perfectly honest, I do not want my children to have any contact with him till they get over the trauma, I was pulled into the heads office as my eldest was really flipping out at school as a direct result of her fathers dicussion with her. Things are only now getting back to normal I want to wait till our children are finally at a more stable level emotionally, my youngest still occassionally has nightmares about her father (who had a tendancy of breaking things in his anger including our childrens toys!).

What should I do, what would be a reasonable offer of contact here, he only wants contact so he can find out what I am doing, he will just question our children till he knows everything, or get angry if he doesnt find anything out. Our children are 5 and 3.5.

I wish he'd disappear. I am by no means the kind of woman who doesnt want the father of her children in their lives for my own personal reasons, I seriously honestly believe according to his past behaviour that he will only upset our children further, and knock them back again.
It's so gut wrenchingly awful to have to comfort my three year old when she wakes at night screaming that daddy is coming to break her toys. My eldest is convinced she will never see me again if I am away from her for any length of time.... I feel like I am going crazy.

oh sorry you have been through all this. Sounds like you really need to get a solistor involved. Do you have proof of his violence ie visited hosp, doc with injuries or police records?

yep police records, social services are involved and so are solicitors, his are particularly bullish.
The last letter I got from his solicitors basically called me a lier (I have an injunction and a prohibitive steps order agianst ex so either I am a wonderful lier or the authorities are all stupid)

so sorry fuzzywuzzy.

From what you say it seems clear that he shouldn't have any contact with the kids, unsupervised or not...

maybe that is a controversial thing to say but surely 3 year olds having nightmares about their own father is not right.

If he won't accept this, which it sounds as though he won't I guess you will have to involve solicitors and/or police.

fuzzy,
I think you have said what you think is reasonable, no contact until the children recover. I think you have to be honest in this or you will be going against your gut instinct. If you have a good family solicitor, I'm sure they come across people who say this often. Decide what contact you want and put it to them, they should advise you what is reasonable.
In my experience which is not that similar to yours but bears some, the court dont recommend no contact if it has been already existing, even with the violence towards you. They may accept supervised contact in a centre for the period you suggest until the trauma is past. then work towards unsupervised. This would mean a series of reviews in the court.

I did this and stayed in the waiting room while my toddler went up and down the corridor between me and violent alcoholic ex. in another room.If your 3 yo is so upset I dont think it would be seen as unreasonable for you to be present.

Supervised is not pleasant but it may also show your ex h that his behaviour is being taken seriously by the court as well as you.

My advice to you would be to take it very slowly. and dont agree to anything outside of court.

good luck.

I had contact issues with my ex - a drug user. Very messy. Ended up going to mediation and agreeing that contact should take place in a supervised family centre to start with. This worked for us - you can stay with dc's initially and ALWAYS stay in the building. This might be an option for you because the people supervising watch the non resident parent VERY closely especially if violent history. The courts will probably decide this best option to take and enforce anyway. CAFCASS are a nightmare who you will probably become familiar with. for you.

fuzzy, I'm so very sorry you and your children are going through this.

No advice as such - am not knowledgeable on the legal side of access/contact - but I would imagine this is one of those cases where the children are better off, overall, without contact with their dad. At all. And I would also imagine the authorities would back you up on this, assuming all you've said is true, and they know it to be.

I really hope things work out for you in time, and that your kids feel happier and more secure again soon.

Thinking of you.

x

If he steps out of line it will be noted by the supervising staff and can be used in court. Mine turned up pi**ed and they immediately refused to let him in the building so they're very clued up.

supervised contact. Offer this, then you don't look like a loon who dosen't want her children's father involved....he will refuse and then he looks lik ethe loon.....

I have pretty much said I want very limited contact till our children get over the trauma, and then we can sort out regular contact that would be suitable, he works shifts and expects the children to fit in around that. His solicitors are really horrible, they pretty much said if I dont agree to everything they have put to me they'll take me to court...Sooo court it will be then.

He's not seen the children except for the once since we parted at the end of January, so since february we've not seen him and now suddenly he has a desire to see the children.

I just really wanted to know if I was being unreasonable about this, everything I've mentioned is the bare minimum and factual, I take no pleasure from the badly written soap opera that my life has become.

What are CAFCASS lke, what do they do? The social worker who came round after referral from the police, has been very supportive and has said she will stand up in court and vouch for me if need be.

god NO, you are not being unreasonable!

I sometimes wish I had the guts to deny contact to my ex (drug user - all the unreliability that goes with that).

I don't and I put up with the shit (he is not violent though, and can be great with dd, she loves him but is upset by unreliability).

If he was ever traumatising her so obviously I definitely would stop her seeing him.

Dont worry about them taking you to court. Bring it on! you are not being unreasonable and the social worker and the police will back you up.

Sorry, but how come his solicitors are telling you what they want? He is the one who has fucked up and you get to tell him, surely? In a reasonable way of course.

He sent a letter with a list of his demands, which included a llist of things he wanted from our house and contact issues, and that we (my solicitor),take no further action with regards the divorce till his solicitors have had a look thro his papers. I served the divorce petition on him in early March (would have been earlier except he disappeared for while).

I gave him all his stuff, it was all bagged up and waiting for him anyway, and we've applies for the decree nisi as he has had ample time to react to my divorce petition, but this contact issue thing is the most worrying. I've told my solicitor to tell him no, my solicitor agrees, as does the social worker and my daughters school teacher and headmistress have all advised against unsupervised contact.
My eldest daughter is actually pretty terrified of men in general as a direct result of witnessing ex's behaviour, it's a big acheivement when she attends classes at school taught by a male teacher. Just how awful is that.

fuzzy, so sorry you and your daughters are going through this, I hope you are all able to get through and that you have some family and friends support around you.