I’m so scared to leave

[Mummybee334]

Sorry if this is long, it’s not something I can speak to anyone about offline.
ive been with my husband for 19 years, we have two children - one of which I am a full time carer too. This means I don’t work and haven’t done in a long time, I don’t receive UC but I do get carers allowance.

our marriage has been a roommate relationship for many years, I can count on both hands how many times we have slept together in the past decade. This has been his decision, not mine. I am a flirty person who enjoys showing love and passion but he has no interest. I wouldn’t mind this so much if he he romantic, but he isn’t that either. As the years have gone on I have become unhappier and sadder, he doesn’t seem to mind - only now that I am teary all the time is it affecting him and he is becoming annoyed and moody.

Today, I just felt overwhelming sadness which led to me crying, not hysterically but enough for him to notice, he walked over to me - I assumed to give me a hug but it was to grab the remote from beside me so he could turn the tv up. It just hit me like a ton of bricks, this man doesn’t love me. I have accepted this, he wants me around to care for our child that is it.

the problem is I have no idea how to leave. I have no where to go, I only have my brother but he has his own problems and a new baby. I am very scared to take the plunge and leave but I know I have too. I have a procedure coming up on my eyes as I am losing my sight, and the thought of being alone with all this is frightening.

any advice on how to start again with nothing? He has so many debts, any profit from the house will be swallowed up.

Your first hurdle is housing. I think you need legal advice on whether his debts can come from your 50% of the house. If they are his personal debts and not secured against your house you could still be entitled to 50% of the house.
If buying your own house isn’t a possibility, and I assume he wouldn’t move out, then could you apply for council housing and social housing on the grounds of your dc special needs and your sight problems?
I think once you know the housing situation everything else will fall into place. There will be more benefits you can claim and depending on your dc ages your DH will pay child support.
Maybe try Citizens Advice and the Gov website that will asses benefits you're entitled to.

First of all go and see your GP, you sound horribly depressed and might need some short term medication to see you through this. Also ask if you can be signposted towards therapy.

If you are certain your marriage is over and can't be helped with marriage counselling such as with Relate then go to CAB to find out what benefits you could get and then a one off consultation with a solicitor to find out your legal rights.

Btw, his debts are his and not yours. Yes the house equity might be eaten up but there is also the fact you cannot work at present and so need some equity to house yourself. This is why you need to speak to a solicitor. Until you do, start collecting financial statements regarding savings, wages, pensions, car and house valuations, how much mortgage is left etc. Make a list of questions you want CAB and solicitor to answer.

Good luck!

@Mummybee334

You really, really need to seek legal advice. Your situation is complicated by the fact that you are a carer for your child and also (I assume) by whatever the problem is with your vision. I'm not asking you to disclose this, but I do hope it is something that can be treated if only partially. If not, seek support from any organization that may deal with your condition.

And perhaps your brother can't house you, but that doesn't mean he can't offer you emotional support, assuming you have that type of relationship. Do you have any friends? If so, lean on them. If not, ask yourself why not? Has he alienated you from them or them from you, or have you stepped away from them due to your unhappiness? If either of these is true, try to reconnect. Again, they may not be able to house you, but they can provide emotional support and possibly practical advice.

You're in a tough position, I'm not going to say you aren't. But if you're determined enough you can find a way out. And even if you can't, there are ways to emotionally divorce yourself and begin living your own life.

Good luck to you.

Thank you, I have early onset glaucoma, so it’s a very slow process. I do have friends but they are also his, couple friends if that makes sense. Even my best friend from school is married to his cousin which complicates everything in that regard.

thank you for you advice. I will seek legal help and speak to CBA. I might also reach out to a HA and see where I stand

@Mummybee334

Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm in the process of being tested for glaucoma, but I'm old and if I do have it, it's very early stages. I hope there is treatment for you.

It does sound as if you are a bit 'socially isolated' but that can happen when our lives get subsumed into 'couplehood'. Perhaps try to branch out a bit and make new friends? Even if they aren't 'confess all' friends but new friends, it can give you an outlet that doesn't involve your husband.

I still believe there is a way out. You just have to find it. It may not be easy, but you'll find your way.