Don’t want to become another burden

[Peoniesandpinot]

I’m struggling with the dynamic of my relationship with my boyfriend at the moment, but don’t know how to go about talking to him about it without sounding selfish.

We’ve been together just over 2 years and he’s currently in the middle of a house renovation project (we don’t live together) and he’s also having issues with his ex wife and co-parenting their 8 year old daughter (they do 50/50 but they are not amicable).

Recently, I feel like he is always talking either about the issues with his ex (they were divorced long before I came on the scene) or about his house. I listen to him but as I’m not a parent nor have I been divorced, I don’t feel like I can offer any real advice.

I help with his house where I can, spending weekends doing diy or helping with planning applications etc

The issue is that I am starting to feel like everything is about him and I’m wondering if he really has time for me/I don’t feel like I’m anything special to him.

I know I need to talk to him about it, but I feel like I’m being selfish and just adding another problem onto his plate. The house reno is temporary so do I just need to wait it out to see if things improve after that?

Bump

Sounds Icke he's got a lot on.
Renovations are stressful (in the middle of one now ).
But so worth it

Especially in the current housing situation.
So I'd give him some leeway on that.
As time goes on co parenting does get easier and settle down. But does require a lot of time, patience and effort on both sides.
He should be putting his Dd first, but that doesn't mean there isn't time for you.

Do you go on dates?
Have you still got your own life going on?

Talk to him about how you feel. His response will tell you if you have a future.

Not being a parent doesn’t mean you can’t show empathy and advise on common sense approaches, saying things like “do you think trying x would help?” But generally, he just needs a listening ear and you can ask him questions to help him talk issues through.

Sounds stressful and boring for you. His life is full to the brim with his issues and you are peripheral, being utilised as a sounding board for his frustrations about his main life.

I think you should reframe this question as I don't want to become merely an emotional crutch for my partner. It's clear he's going through a really tough time and it's great that you're being supportive BUT there has to be more to the relationship than him taking and you giving. What does he do to build you up, where is the reciprocity? And crucially, why on earth are you accepting so little? He has to put effort into your relationship, he has to be mindful of your needs too. Talk to him and ( kindly) raise your bar.

Thank you all, it’s helpful to get some perspective on the situation and some suggestions about how to frame/approach the discussion with him.

Does he concern himself about how selfish he is, or does he just do what he wants and assume you'll absorb it?

A considerate partner would also be trying not to 'be selfish', but he's not, is he?

I don’t think he even realises he’s being selfish. My life is “easy” compared to his and I’ve been happy to go with the flow, which has meant focusing more on his stuff.

I am starting to feel drained by it all now though.

I had an ex who seemed to do little else but talk about her job which was to count telephone poles.

I suspect that your partner has a lot on his mind so might not have much else to talk about

Concentrate on building your own life rather than devoting all your spare time and energy to his. Then see if he meets you half way - that will answer your concerns one way or the other.

I'm not surprised you're drained OP. All of the energy is going one way currently.