Advice on splitting with a child

[Selkie9]

I posted this on a different thread and got no replies so hoping I can get some advice here. Please be kind

I am in the unfortunate position of currently separating from my partner (not married) and we have a one year old child. We live together in rented property - the lease ends later this year.

Since the birth of our child, my partner has provided very little financially to our lives, despite me being on maternity leave and am now unemployed. We have a joint bank account together and looking over the past year, I have contributed about 75% to our rent/bills etc. He has also lied several times about how much work he is doing, his job has changed a few times over the year and for many weeks at a time wasn't earning money.

He lied about not receiving wages from his employer when in fact he did receive them, so wasn't contributing to the bank account. He also has a few debts which I have only recently learned of. There were a few occasions that I had to pay for his older child's nursery fees (this is a child from a previous relationship) because he did not have enough money.

I have had to use about £10K out of my savings to keep our family going. And he hasn't shown much thanks for it. Things have gotten bad recently, and our relationship is falling apart. It looks like the only thing to do is separate. This would mean me moving home with our child to Ireland where I am from and the rest of my family lives.

Right now he doesn't seem to have a problem with this, but I'm worried he will kick off in the future about the child's living arrangements. Is it worth involving my solicitor to come to a formal agreement with my partner?

He has been such a lousy father, not abusive but not caring and unable to financially provide. He wasn't the right person to have a child with and I'm sorry I have found this all out now.

Another important thing - his brother is a cocaine addict who I caught taking it in our house a few months ago, in an area easily accessible to the child. I really want to protect my child from him - he hasn't been at our house since the incident. Although I can't trust my partner to keep them away from said brother if I'm not there in the future.

Thanks if you have read all of this - I don't know what my questions are, I just need a bit of advice if anyone has gone through something similar

That is a horribly stressful situation for you. I think you have made the right decision as he does sound totally unsupportive and you have done your best to hold things together. I haven't gone through anything similar but I'm sure somebody will give some practical advice re the legal aspects of his access to your child.

It might be worth seeing a solicitor to be prepared if he tries to stop you moving to Ireland. I wouldn't tell him about your plans.

You should aba seek legal advice - don't share this with your partner, and also if you can remember dates of when the cocaine use happened keep a log of it. Get copies of your bank statements to prove your financial contributions, copies of your baby's birth certificate.
Log anything that happens from here on in order to prove he can't provide and is unsupportive.
Try to put a little bit back into your savings.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and hope you have lots of family to support you in Ireland.

I feel for you, and understand you might be nervous about posting on here, people just say "LTB" and sometimes even turn the post around to decimate the original poster. My advice, for what it is worth is to stay calm and work towards the objective of lining your new life up in Ireland where your family are. Taking the emotion out of it, there are two issues - main problem is that you have a joint bank account (he clearly has another one !) the second one is your rent contract. You should immediately set up another bank account in your own name. All future payments should go there. It might be worth quietly talking to the landlord about your contract - they might let you go, or make some arrangement to get out early which gives both of you a chance to move on. It sounds like you owe him nothing, and I would let him gnash his gums all he wants about the child being removed *sounds like he is not arsed anyway) If he wants access, then he can apply, but he will have to prove that he is capable of providing for your child). You could go after him for financial support via the CSA, but whether you want to do this (and whether it will help anyway) is another story. I think you do need to move on, the situation you are in is unlikely to change, and your family will help you rebuild your life - new future for you both. Hope this helps xxx

I would be shutting down the joint account now
he’s a taker
you will do better alone