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[roseability]

To recap I am adopted by my maternal grandmother and her second husband (not my bilogical grandfather). I have a toxic relationship with them. Dad is a bully, Mum defends him etc
My birth mother died 10 years ago but I did have contact with her. She was mentally ill.
My biological grandfather wants to contact me. My Mum says he hit her when they were married and he was terrible to my birth mother when she adopted me. I feel like I would be betraying them if I met him.
My auntie (birth mother's sister and daughter of said grandparent) says she has a good relationship with him and makes out he is nothing like what my mother says he is. I am confused. I have discussed things with my auntie and told her about my Dad's bullying ways, which she agrees with. I feel like a traitor.
Had a long conversation with my Mum today and told her how I have been feeling. We have had terrible rows in the past but have kept a lid on it for my DS sake. She still defends my Dad and says my Auntie should not be talking about him.
My husband's family are wonderful and I have moved on a lot but feel a bit drained today.Any advice would be much appreciated.

Complicated...remember you posting before.

So your mother (maternal grandmother) is an enabler/bystander to your dad's (maternal grandmothers 2nd husband) a bully ie emotionally abusive/neglectful.

Your mother says (maternal grandmothers 1st husband, aunt and biological mothers father) 1st husband hit her and was terrible to your mother (his daughter) when she had you adopted.

From my perspective, I have broken contact with my parents...so with my dd I intend too:

Tell her why, but not in a way to make them out to be criminals! Just in a 'they were not okay with me, but your relationship with them is up to you and them'.

To allow her contact when she is emotionally mature enough

To try not to let my feelings interfere with any relationship she has with them. If she gets something good out of it that is good for her.

If there were a physical threat to her being in contact, I would wait until she was 16 and explain why.

I think your mother (maternal grandmother) is being unreasonable. Yes she has strong feelings, however if you want to have some kind of relationship with her ex husband, your grandad, that is up to you!

I do think it important to reassure her that you do believe her experience of being married to him. However he is your grandfather and you would like to have contact with him for that reason, if he should ever treat you the way he did her, that would be the end of things. But you want to try.

Hope some of that helps...just don't let your mother dictate who you get to know.

Thank you ally, I do feel better for posting and your advice is great. I can't let them dictate who I see etc. I think you are brave and admirable to break contact with your parents. I have wanted to do this on so many ocassions but get sucked into the whole taboo of 'your parents are your parents'.

Genetically m'dear.....genetically!

Don't tell me

'Blood is thicker than water'

'who changed your nappies?'

'after all I've done for you'

oh the joys of being a parent

FOG springs to mind...you may of heard this before...

Fear, Obligation, Guilt... all hold you to your family.

I believe that as a family member, you should treat family better than a friend. You may have ties genetically and historically but if you want someone to put up with you for the rest of your life...well you'd best treat them okay.

Glad you found my advice useful

And just because you were adopted...does not mean you owe them even more than biological parents. They still have to treat you decently.