Moaner of a husband can’t take it

[Mummypowerflower]

Really struggling with my husband picking on me constantly. He moans all the time that I’m not helping him with cleaning the house or keeping things tidy. He always compares the fact that I only work 2 days a week and look after our 2.5 yr old the rest of the week and works full time and still manages to do some cleaning.

I try my best but my focus is on our child and taking him to fun activities for the 3 days I have with him alone. It feels like when hubby wants it done it has to get done no matter what.

Hubby called me lazy which I find very insulting. I put little one to bed every night wake up with him every morning at 5am, started potty training him etc.

tottally feel disheartened and not respected. Is this enough to want to split? Worry about the affects on little one.

It doesn't sound like he's communicating well but the person who is home more, should be doing more housework.

I'm sure your husband would like to be having 'fun days out' three days a week but then the bills wouldn't get paid.

I think this is a case of different priorities.
Your DH prioritises a clean and tidy house and you prioritise quality time with your child.
A conversation about this needs to happen to see if there is a compromise that you both can agree on

When I was a sahp I did some of the chores when DH came home. He got DC time, I got a break from DC. When kids were in bed we both rested. Then at weekend he did the once a week chores such as bedding etc. Can you split your time better?

Not going to lie I find it really hard to clean and look after a 3 year old at the same time, feels like your pissing in the wind some days. My child is like a whirl wind and just seems to create so much mess. I go out just so the house doesn't get messy tbh. Others maybe better at multi tasking than me.

He gets really stress looking after little one so I have mainly all child care responsibility. I have to ask for him to watch little one so I can prepare dinner etc.

Going against the grain here I'd be pissed off if you was having 3 fun days out when there's a backlog of cleaning.

The way I look at it, down time should be roughly equal. I would equate looking after a young child to doing a job. However, things like naps, work breaks and lunch breaks should be considered too. If it's roughly equally or he's willing to swap places then I don't think he's being fair. If it's not, then I think you need to look at the existing arrangement and see how you can make it fair.

You probably do need to get used to doing some cleaning and chores even while your DC is with you. I mean I know it's nice to do fun activities but come on you do need to tidy up a bit!

Where is your little one when you are working? Can you have a discussion about an extra day in whatever childcare you use while you are working do that you have a child and work free day that you can do chores so you can enjoy your fun two days with your child and your husband can then do his fair share at weekends to give you downtime from both? If he doesn't do any childcare or chores during the week because he works 5 days.

This.
Wouldn't we all love three fun days out (I am assuming your husband would prefer that to being at work) but unfortunately we can't just check out of household responsibilities in favour of having fun, that is a very immature mindset to have!
Part of child rearing is ensuring they grow up in a clean and comfortable environment, they also benefit from seeing their parents keeping the home clean (otherwise how will they know what to do when they are older, they learn by example).
Lastly, others may disagree with this but hey ho, kids need downtime at home whilst there parents do the household chores. It gives them a rest from being on the go constantly and teaches them that mum & dad have responsibilities and they need to entertain themselves occasionally.
I know lots of children now in their teens (as are mine) that cannot cope for a moment if they are not getting £££'s of entertainment thrown at them, guess which teens were at the park farm twice a week followed by swimming, gymnastics, music lessons, theme park etc. Of course my kids had/have hobbies but they also knew that some days were spent at home so we could get on top of things or that we could only have an afternoon out instead of a full day so we could straighten the house up.
If my husband only worked two days a week and didn't bother doing anything at home while I earned the money I would be mightily pissed off to be honest.

With an H behaving like this I’d be looking to increase my paid working hours significantly & to earn more personally.

I'd be absolutely fuming if i was her husband imagine you've just got in from work to dirty washing/washing up/carpets and your partners been out enjoying themselves all day no just no lol

Hmm, I think you do need to learn how to put a wash on or run the vacuum around, while caring for your child - it's not nice to get home from work to a messy house. But equally, I think your husband needs to learn how to be comfortable caring for his child by himself and maybe experiencing what it's like to try and clean up while simultaneously looking after a toddler.

You can get your child involved in your chores - they can play/do little chores alongside you, while you do a bit of housework. A toddler will enjoy washing their bath toys in the sink while you clean the bath. You can make tidying up into a game. They really don't need to be out all the time.

But again, your dh shouldn't need to be asked to mind his own child while you cook.

I think when you are parents for the first time it does take a while to get into the logistics of making it all work. A day at nursery so you can do things at home is a good idea from a pp. Might make things less tense.

This. I can't stand a messy house and if your husband is at work and you're home, he shouldn't be doing the majority of the cleaning

I'm with your husband on this one

You are home three days a week. I’m sure he doesn’t expect you to lock your child in a playpen all day and be scrubbing the floors like Cinderella but equally you shouldn’t just see it as three days a week of fun! There should be a middle ground.

Before you leave the house with your child for the fun activity make sure all the dishes are done etc and pop a wash on and then when you’re back do another task. Your husband should have to come home from a full days work to find you’ve done nothing productive towards running the house.

Well he can't have it both ways. Either childcare is difficult and therefore it's hard to do at the same time as housework. Or it's easy and he can take DS for a while so you can get on with something else.

He can't say what a struggle ds is while also saying you should be doing the two things at once.

I don't think you can be expected to look after an energetic toddler while doing the equivalent of a full house clean. The most I could manage was a load of laundry on the line, a kitchen tidy and dishwasher load each day. Maybe run a hoover round if ds enjoys that but you are too distracted for much else.

Is ds sleeping through the night? Who does any night wakings? I assume you too?

Looking at a lot of the comments to my post I’m starting to think a lot of you have got the wrong impression. I do do chores, cooking dinner and cleaning when I can and constant washing up but it’s the fact that hubby isn’t happy with my untidiness and in my eyes the expectation to have everything spic and span isn’t realistic in a house with a little one. I do extra work towards my job on days off as well sometimes extra meetings. We probably don’t communicate well either which doesn’t help.

He is type A personality, me I am easy going type B live in the moment. After a good chat I’m starting to see things we could both do and maybe for me to manage time better as well. The house will always look like a one that’s lived in and not a show house something he needs to accept.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and ideas :)

Yes I do night wakings. Aways have since Bf’d baby. He doesn’t sleep well and always manages to get in our bed. So the sleep side is something I am working on. A work in progress. And it doesn’t do well for anyone’s mood if sleep isn’t good.

Why can’t he get tea AND look after 3 year old—if its so easy to do childcare and housework? These early toddler years are for learning, seeing, doing. I would always prioritize my child’s experience over a perfect house.