When do you walk away or do you just keep on trying?

[MealDealDreamz]

My husband and I have had problems for about the last 4 years. Slowly growing apart, not doing much together anymore apart from the domestic stuff, my drinking increasing, my sex drive plummeting, his Dad dying and his drinking increasing. Getting more irritated with each other and his drinking being to the point where he goes out with friends or colleagues gets leathered then tries to get me to have sex with him. It's all a mess. I'm currently trying to work out how I feel. He came home the other night after a meeting in the pub with colleagues and started trying to have sex with me when I was half asleep. I just thought 'I'm done'. I love him but can't go on like this anymore. I'd really appreciate any advice

All relationships come down to tolerance. Can you keep on tolerating this sort of behaviour? The sex thing sounds unacceptable to me!

He thinks it's funny and he's trying it on to get me in the mood. He's saying nice things to me but this last time I just thought 'oh fuck off, I'm asleep!'. I was having a really hard week at work and I just thought that this was a complete piss take. Just thinking about getting his end away.

I think you keep trying when you're both interested in trying – as in, you can talk about the relationship and seek ways forward.

It sounds like you've both had a really rough time for a while, and you're both seeking 'escape' through alcohol, and him perhaps seeking connection (badly) through sex.

Do you feel able to talk to him openly about what's going on?

I've spoken to him and said that his drinking is getting out of control and that I can't feel up for sex when he is like this and I hate it. He was very apologetic. In fact I said I just can't be bothered having sex as it upsets me the way he is. He is aware how much he has hurt me but there's been too many occurrences of this over the last 12 months. We had a date night (first in a long time) and he ended up pissed and trying to snog me in the restaurant and telling me off for not responding. It's just a big turn off. He ended up drunk and kicking traffic cones down the street. Nice date night

He's a drunken sex pest. He knows he is, yet he carries on doing it anyway.

Time to call it a day.

@MealDealDreamz that sounds really tough.

I don't know him, so this might be entirely off-piste, but I wonder if he's craving connection in the same way you are and is going about it entirely the wrong way.

I'm not asking you to answer these questions here, but things that might help to think about...:

If you could ask him for something that would help you feel more 'connected' to him, what would you ask for?

If you could design your relationship going forward, what would it involve?

Where does nurturing your relationship come in your list of daily or weekly priorities (for both of you), and if it were higher in the list, what might that look like in practice?

How is he dealing with his grief after losing his dad? What might he need to do to feel more able to process his loss?

@doyoulikemyyams thank you. We need to prioritise the relationship far more, you're right. He isn't dealing with losing his Dad very well, I know and he's been pretty traumatised by looking after him until his death.

Sometimes relationships just come to an end. Drinking like you do is generally an escape from other problems and I think in your case, it’s your marriage. It is ok to end things.

You've both been through a LOT, in that case – and it sounds like you're both floundering to find one another in chaotic emotional waters.

You've said "I love him but can't go on like this any more". If the love is still there, and you can see the specific areas that need work, then there's still hope.

It sounds like you've done the (really hard) initial part of sharing what's making you unhappy, and he was open to receiving that – which is massive on both of your parts. Big brave move for you, and great of him for hearing it and apologising.

Next step is "OK, so now what?" – and that can be hard AND it can be exciting, too: you get to create something new that nourishes both of you.

If he's open to seeking solutions, then that becomes the conversation: how do we love each other better? What do we both need, and how do we ease, baby step by baby step, into creating it?

And that's not always easy to see from the inside, but if you're both willing to explore it then all is not lost.