Help me to feel the hate towards narc

[Thatwasthen2]

Ended the relationship & just had to confront him. He acted like he “owns” me: told me I’m looking in good form, tried to move a lock of hair off my face, told me my sunglasses were steamed up, laughed at me. I gave him a few home truths & he tried to shush me. So I will see him around for next few days & I need to tune in to why I can’t be with him…

Please share your stories of narc men to make me remember!

Honestly, don't give him any attention at all. Narcs thrive off it, good or bad it's all supply to them. See his preening reaction to you telling him some home truths as an example of that! All he sees/hears is that you're taking notice of him and providing him with a juicy source of supply. There'll be no self-reflection whatsoever on what you said.

Well done on ending it though! Walk away and stay away. No contact is how you win - you get to heal and he loses the reactivity he depends upon. I found Natasha Adamo's book really helpful on reframing the relationship in your head and moving on.

You are right, I need to cut off the supply completely. Thank you for this reminder, it’s not like he will reflect! Yes, no contact is best way. Might even block him & unfriend… I’ve been indecisive as he looks at my posts but I don’t look at his. Will look up that book, great idea, thank you.

Please keep any tips & hints coming!

Do you feel better after confronting him?

If you need to see him around, grey rock him. I suggest you block him on everything and do a 30 day detox. Reflect on what kept you in the relationship so you don't repeat it

They are narcs in that they have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder as that's quite rare.

Or you've decided they're narcs? People can just be arseholes you know.

You've ended it. Block delete move on. Don't worry about him.

@cupcaske123
Do you feel better after confronting him?

Oh YES, most certainly. He was being avoidant and rather than make things awkward and leave him "free" to change the story, I confronted him very calmly in front of his friends. I repeated a few times that he is incapable of giving me a healthy relationship, and he hated that as people could hear :-D Grey rock is a great idea now. I only need to get through a week, then could block him forever. 30 day detox sounds healthy - are there any tips? Yes, I need to have a hard look at what happened. He was my very first bf from 16 and I went back after many years. Unfinished business was finished but I will need to see him around a bit. It will hurt him more than me, I know that - this is him defending himself. It's just not good for me.

@HowIrresponsible

He has narcissistic traits but not narcissistic personality disorder. I'm a psychologist :-D He is a narcissist and also an arsehole but actually, not that much of an arsehole. I know he is hurting. I've known him all my life. He also has insecure attachments and is highly avoidant. He has come back to me time after time over the years, and may even come back in future. I don't feel it is "finished" but neither can I carry on like this: I have my dignity, my life, my future. But I will see him around from time to time. Best to be civil. Yes, will prob block. Will def move on! I just need to remember that he's incapable of a healthy relationship. We do love each other, there's this huge lifelong bond. But over & over I have evidence that he is not healthy for me.

A narc who's sick and twisted enough and with nothing to lose could potentially murder you?

I don't feel hatred toward ex narc, I feel indifference.

I'm glad to hear it helped and you cleared the air. No tips. Just block on everything and sit on your hands for 30 days,but it really helps. Please do take some time to reflect, you don't want to get caught in a cycle.

Thank you @PicklesPiper . He has narc traits but I don’t believe he would murder me. I think he’d just like to make my life very difficult. He’s avoidant so he likes dangling in front of me what I can’t have & creating scenes. Ain’t gonna happen, I need to move away & further each time.

Thank you. It doesn’t help that it’s been a very “public” relationship & now split, but only 3 days & I will be away. I’ve prepared a story: he was incapable of sustaining a loving relationship with me. His parents, etc will understand as he is controlling and manipulative to them.

He tried to undermine me in front of my kids the other night but I reminded him that nobody had invited him to our discussion. A few more days and I will start the 30 days, will also remove him from my FB. I’ve not done it yet as we don’t write to each other anyway & he doesn’t post, but we can get rid of his sneaky ways, bit by bit.