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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My brother is gambling again. I have been persuaded to help him out 'one last time'... I dont understand gambling at all. Not sure if I am helping or making things worse in the long run :(

16 replies

2point4kids · 11/04/2008 18:11

My brother has had a gambling problem since he was a teenager (he is nearly 30 now). It had been building up since he was about 18 and gradually got worse and worse until a couple of years ago when it all came to a head.

We all found out about his problem when he spent all the takings of my Dads business (he works for my Dad) while Dad was on holiday for 2 weeks and he was managing things. He bet and lost £4000 in a week.
He had no other option then but to come clean and own up to my Dad and his gf and all of us. It was a terrible time.

It turned out he had lost over £30,000 over the years. His gf very nearly left him (they have 3 kids) but they managed to work it out in the end with my brother agreeing to get help and stop completely.

They are paying off the debt gradually by living on the bare minimum. They can only afford a 2 bedroom flat to live in with 3 kids. They even had to cancel their wedding, which was booked for last year as they could no longer afford it.

His gf told him that if he EVER did it again she would leave him. Dad said he would sack him.

Today he turned up on my mums doorstep in tears. He has gambled and lost his entire weeks wages (£300). He couldnt go home without the money as he knew his gf would leave if he told her. He needs the money to buy food for them all this weekend.

Mum scraped together her whole weeks wages plus my younger brothers money for his school trip and gave him £250.
I am going to give him the other £50 but have told him its only to keep his family together. Its his last chance and its on condition he goes back to GA as of next week.

Feel terrible lying to his gf (we are all very close) but cant bear to see my brother lose her and the kids.. it would destroy him.
If I didnt give him the money and she did leave him I would always be thinking 'what if he meant it when he said he's learnt his lesson and i could have prevented him from losing his family'

Feel so torn about what is the right thing to do

OP posts:
lulumama · 11/04/2008 18:14

for as long as he is bailed out and for as long as the ultimatums are never carried out, he will continue.

how many last chances can you give?

how do you know that he won;t take that money straight to the bookies and put it on a sure thing ?

he is tearing you all apart

has he had any professional help , does he even acknowledge there is a problem?

if his GF dumps him , that is his fault, not yours.

LaComtesse · 11/04/2008 18:15

The only thing I can think of is that your family contact a support network for people involved with gamblers. I don't know the answer to this but what will you do if he turns up again next week with the same problem? He's not being fair on anyone (I know that he is addicted and probably would struggle to control his behaviour) but you have to look at what he's done now. Your younger brother may miss his trip if hte money isn't repaid in time.

In the interim, I'd suggest that your brother has his wages paid directly to his gf so she can control the money until he makes some headway with therapy. Tough love might be the only way .

LaidbackinEngland · 11/04/2008 18:18

Has he tried contacting Gamcare ? www.gamcare.org.uk/ . They have an online forum, helpline and can refer on to counsellors. Some people find it easier to 'get' than GA.

beansprout · 11/04/2008 18:18

Of course he is sorry, he has acted out on his addiction again and now has to face the consequences. Don't bail him out.

You can always give his GF the money to buy food, so don't think you are letting the kids starve. He needs to go to GA asap and start to sort this out, not waste everyone's time again. Harsh, but that's the nature of the illness.

I'm sorry this is happening to you all.

2point4kids · 11/04/2008 18:22

He has been clean for nearly 2 years since he first admitted the problem.
He has acknowledged that he has a problem.

2 years ago he went to some GA meetings (which he stopped after a few weeks as he said they didnt help). He also got my Dad to pay his wages straight to his gf. This last 2 weeks his gf has been unable t collect them and so my Dad gave it straight to my brother as he thinks 2 years being clean he is able to trust him again.

My Mum has said to him that he must tell his gf and Dad that he is tempted again and can they make sure he doesnt get given the wages direct. That way he doesnt have to own up and risk her leaving, but ensures she keeps a closer eye on him...

OP posts:
2point4kids · 11/04/2008 18:25

I just dont understand why?
Why do people gamble? its not addictive like drugs..

Aside from the gambling he is the most wonderful generous loving person and his kids are his world

OP posts:
misdee · 11/04/2008 18:30

gambling is highly addictive.

LaComtesse · 11/04/2008 18:31

They get a rush from it, thinking this time they'll hit the jackpot. Las Vegas wouldn't have been built if it wasn't addictive! Gaming is also legal, unlike most drugs.

lulumama · 11/04/2008 18:32

gambling is incredibly addictive. that is why it gets to be an out of control problem for a lot of people

you can get addicted to fruit machines, bingo, scratch cards...

LaidbackinEngland · 11/04/2008 18:39

2point4 - look at the gamcare link I posted ... they provide onfo and support for families too, it IS an addictive behaviour.

FAQ · 11/04/2008 18:43

agree gambling can be extremely addictive, speaker from a former gambler...........

CoteDAzur · 11/04/2008 19:06

I don't know any gamblers but the few former alcoholics I know speak of having touched rock bottom as the moment their lives turned around - lost everything and only then realized they had to stop.

I think you and your mother are preventing your brother from hitting rock bottom, and this is not a good thing.

He should live the consequences of his actions - get fired from his job, lose his girlfriend & kids, etc. Only then will he stop gambling and work to earn back everyone's trust.

I'm sorry if this is a bit harsh, but I think you need to hear it as it is.

2point4kids · 11/04/2008 19:29

LaidbackinEngland - I will look up that link, I will make sure I give him the info about counsellors too. Thanks for that.

I think I just cant get my head around the addiction because its not a physical thing like drink or drugs.
Its just so alien to me. I cant even imagine wasting £10 on a bet, let alone £300 on one horse.
In fact I think its actually because it seems so outrageous to me that I have so much sympathy for him.... he wouldnt put his family at risk for something so ridiculous unless he really couldnt help it/has an illness iyswim

OP posts:
2point4kids · 11/04/2008 19:30

FAQ - if you dont mind me asking... why and how did you manage to stop?

OP posts:
ally90 · 11/04/2008 21:02

2point4kids - how many last chances? By you and your family helping him out (because you want to help him...best intentions...) you are enabling him to continue gambling and not face up to his responsibilities. He is not a child anymore. He has to learn to act as an adult. And that means managing money.

You could...

Tell him you will no longer enable him to gamble by giving him money to cover his losses.

Give him the details of gamblers helplines. Tell him you will be there for him if he feels the urge...but again, you will no longer bail him out.

Each time you help him, it enables him to gamble again...and he knows he will always be caught by you his family...so he can bounce back again.

I think you all need to be open and honest with his girlfriend and anyone else he usually gets money from. Offer up a united front. But offer support for him to seek help. Otherwise he will drag you down with him, and that is not a good thing for any of you.

As for it being addictive...it is! I think its a way to escape reality, getting that high from winning big time and all worries are over...but most often it never happens. He does need professional help. He can offer to go to classes of GA but it will only help him...IF he WANTS to be helped and will work with it.

I should mention...I know nothing about gambling... but hopefully what I have said is common sense...if hard to hear because he's your brother

2babies2tired · 11/04/2008 23:52

My sisters ex-partner is an addictive gambler.

Time and time again his family have bailed him out (girlfriend, sisters, mum). He has worked as an IFA and basically ripped off his customers so that he could gamble. He has gone off on numerous benders gambling tens of thousands of pounds at a time and then threatened his family that he would commit suicide as he couldn't cope (whilst his girlfriend and daughter could barely afford food). He has been to counselling and his family have given him a place to live, job etc. but he always starts gambling again. I agree that by bailing him out you are not helping him at all. My sister would always disguise how much he was gambling and try to ignore it but that just made the problem worse. Tears are easy. I don't mean to sound heartless but my experience of this gambler is that he has never had any real remorse for how he has hurt people just how it has affected his life.

I think the only way you can attempt to help him is by not covering up the gambling. Good luck!

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