Best books for managing mother-daughter relationships

[YourAquaLion]

Hi there, first time ever posting on mumsnet here after reading a lot of very useful and helpful advice over the last few years - thanks all.

I’m looking for a book recommendation for coping better with your mother. I struggle with mine, and would like to become immune to my triggers with her.

Basically, you’re not allowed to upset mum. Which is tricky because me not being happy/okay 100% of the time upsets her. Then it becomes all about her - I’ve upset her. She also used me as a counsellor throughout my teens, but seems unable to reciprocate if I have a problem, to the point of taking the side of the person or thing or situation I’m struggling with or getting annoyed at me for moaning to her.

So I stopped being there for her. It’s hard to explain the strength this takes. I think it’s a desperate attempt to please and not be told off. She was very strict. I’d describe growing up as like being surrounded by sharp rubble on concrete rather than soft grass to take your fall. Showing your vulnerability is not a good choice in our family. And crying, well, that’s attention seeking, and inappropriate.

I’ve had a lot of counselling over the past couple of decades which has helped immensely so I’m now at the stage where I’ve got more of a handle on it and can talk to my partner and friends, but I would also like to read more around the subject to find more ways of coping.

I don’t want a book that tries to repair the relationship between us, I don’t like her and don’t want a cuddly, loving relationship with her as I used to crave, she just can’t change and it would be very weird at this stage (I’m 40!).

But I would like a book or advice on how I can stop being so bothered, so hurt about tiny, tiny little frictions that happen between us now, still after all these years and all the therapy I’ve received. Bottom line I’m still afraid of certain reactions from her. Now they make me angry, but underneath it’s deep sadness. I want to become immune! Am I just an overly sensitive person? I’m annoyed that it affects me so much still - it’s a waste of my life and I have so many things to be happy and content about now with my own lovely family.

I’d go no or very low contact but she is a very good grandmother and it’s very useful to have someone look after my kids for one night every month, and she loves seeing them and they seem genuinely happy with her and grandad. If for one moment I thought they were experiencing what I did, I would stop this immediately.

My biggest fear is ending up like her with my kids not liking me, not wanting to see me or spend time with me, and feeling like I did towards my own mother and still do.

You are not the Problem - Katie McKenna and Helen Villiers
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - Lindsay C Gibson
Will I ever be good enough? Karyl McBride.

Are your children quite young? Young children are nicely amenable, which changes as they get older. I made the mistake of thinking my mother was a better grandmother than she had been a mother. Turns out leopards don't change their spots.

Read ‘The Beauty Queen of Leenane’ playscript.

McDonagh Plays: 1: The Beauty Queen of Leenane; A Skull in Connemara; The Lonesome West (Contemporary Dramatists) https://amzn.eu/d/00PEOjNd

Or try to see a production of the play. Absolutely excoriating, but may bring you some relief!

Old review here:

https://amp.theguardian.com/stage/2022/oct/26/the-beauty-queen-of-leenane-review-theatre-by-lake-keswick

Thanks great suggestions for books and the guardian review of that play, very interesting, will definitely look both of those up.

Yes, the kids are toddlers, I know what you mean, it wasn’t until I was 13 until I realised my grandma was the same as my mum and that’s where she got it from too. Before that I thought she was wonderful and caring and everything my mum was not. Came down to earth with a big bump. I will be keeping an eye.
Thank you for the excellent reading recommendations, much appreciated.

Holistic psychologist on instagram is really good for this. She has lots of free resources as well on her website.

Thanks rubywriter that’s great I’ll check her out now too.

Op I could have written your post, you've very eloquently summed up what I struggle to describe succinctly, this is so similar to my relationship with my dm. Just to add to though, she is also very manipulative, and I'm no expert but I think is a prime candidate for narcissistic personality disorder (I know people think it's a term used too much and incorrectly these days, but she really does tick all the boxes for traits)!

I haven't seen dm or spoken to her recently and I'm dreading visiting my parents this weekend because I know she's going to kick off. I was getting so badly effected by her words and behaviour though it was giving me panic attacks and messing with my mental health (despite having had counselling in the past on and off, I feel like
I've taken several steps back) She honestly makes me feel like I'm losing my mind 😩

About to cook dinner but I'll post again later with some book and author recommendations. I really empathise

Hi Ivvy hope dinner went ok, I really empathise with your experience. I think for me I’m just really sad that I still have such a strong reaction to her displeasure with me after doing so much work on myself. It’s like I can’t cope if she’s annoyed with me, it’s a massive over reaction especially in a 40 year old. I wish I just didn’t care. And it spills over into other relationships too, with my husband and with feedback from work. I’m really over sensitive to criticism a lot of the time. How do I get immune??? Thanks for any advice!