Post-divorce relationships and commitment

[RandomSuitors]

I got divorced a few years ago and now have a new partner. He doesn’t live near me and we have no intention to blend, despite being nominally committed and monogamous. And I like it.

The one thing I don’t know how to handle is the other suitors who come out of the woodwork— people from within my long marriage who now reappear and want to ask me out. How do others deal with this? On the one (main) hand I know it’s easy to say I’m in a relationship and not available, but on the other hand I wonder if I’m allowed to think each time one of these characters turns up, to think about whether they’d be a better fit or if I’m at all interested.

I know how to do a marriage and was always faithful, but I just don’t know whether I should simply settle into the same state or whether others would think you should think a bit more about what’s out there, if you see what I mean. Mainly I’ve got people turning up with whom I would have had a spark when I was married.

Hi OP
that’s a tough situation. ‘What if’ thoughts can be very destructive in lots of situations

youre allowed to think anything you want, what it’s important are your actions. You’re human and the idea that your brain would switch off to these other suitors is a pretty unrealistic expectation to set on yourself

I am of the belief that there are lots of potential good partners for us out in the world.

im guessing you have a spark with your current partner and you seem to be happy with the arrangement you have. These other blokes from before might also have that spark but do you think they would suit you in other ways
was the spark back then because they were forbidden territory?

Thanks, that’s very true. I guess I’m not 100% convinced by my current situation — the distance, and also he’s a little repressed. But other things I like. Sometimes I feel it’s just a very glorified FWB as we don’t share a life per se. But I do like it more than not.

The most recent suitor is someone I had a major click with at work about seven years ago. He got back in touch and said he’d always thought of me, that it had been special. I liked him a lot and I was trying to evaluate if I was being bad in thinking about it. Whether I should just block him as I’m in a relationship, or whether there is scope to consider it. Whether indeed I should consider it, if it might make me happy.

Hey OP
look, I’m going to be honest with you. I am a betrayed partner, I was cheated on and I reconciled. So part of my response might be influenced by my experiences

however I have had a LOT of therapy. I’m also quite a mature person (I think) who can see all sides of a story

from your latest response it doesn’t sound like things with your current partner are amazing, although it’s working to a degree

if I was your friend IRL, I could understand if you began chatting with the recent suitor (assuming he is single!) to scope out the situation and kept it secret from your partner.

its not great as things go, but you would need to make a decision reasonably quickly either way and don’t get yourself dragged into an affair

Thanks. That’s really useful x

@BePinkPombear I also meant to say that’s very brave of you, well done for working at it

You’re welcome :) I hope things go well for you

and thank you. I consider us reconciled and we since then have had a wonderful child who is very much loved.

I'm in the same situation sort of.. i adore my LDP, love him, but, its long distance, we maybe see each other every couple of months but speak every day.

We agreed to a kind of open thing, if either of us find someone else that is more local/easier to date/gives the same feelings, to get on with it.

So far, i'm 18mo in and no-one has turned my head, the distance is the price i pay for finding someone who gives me everything i need when we are together.

That’s good @Foxxo. My DP is very hardline on that, having been cheated on before. I don’t think we could even discuss it.

I'm in a similar type of relationship. Post-divorce, not looking to move in/blend as that wouldn't work right now. We're not long distance, but life means the time we spend together is limited. However, I'm happy with both him and our situation, so I'm not looking to date other people to see if they're a better fit and very much consider myself in a relationship and 'off the market'. Having said that, I do think navigating post-divorce relationships is hard, especially if you want more than FWB but not moving in together.

From you description, it does sound like either you're not that into him, and/or would like a more traditional relationship trajectory, which he can't offer. Whereas he's happy with long distance but expects monogamy. I think you need to be honest with him that you can't offer the level of commitment he wants in a ldr. It's not fair on him to start seeing other people on the side and use ldr as an excuse, when he thinks you're both on the same page.

Yes I suppose that’s right @littleburn, he expects monogamy in this ldr with no relationship progression etc. I haven’t quite been able to find my feet in the genre of relationship, and I think I’m starting to act up, which isn’t my nature.