Caught unawares by the past

[BlastedPimples]

Do any of you ever get suddenly tripped up by a bad memory?

It's happening to me more and more.

I'm getting a divorce from an awful marriage. 20 years of marriage.

I was driving along to the DIY centre today when I suddenly remembered how my ex used drive so fast and aggressively. I would no longer ask him to stop as he'd just carry on almost in pleasure. So I'd just grimly hang onto the handle above the window and he would mock me in my fear.

I had to pull over and have a cry. I'm such a wet blanket but he was just so unpleasant and horrible so often. And claims he can't remember any of it.

I'm 18 months out of that awful relationship now but I am still so badly affected.

I tried dating once but my first date told me I had a spot (I did have one brewing) and that my cough (I'd just got over Covid) wasn't sexy. I just left the dating thing entirely and am now just convinced there are no nice men out there at all.

I don't think I will ever get over the shitshow. And I'm 53 now so not sure if there's any point in anything tbh.

It sounds to me like you're not done healing from a horrible abusive marriage.
It's alright that you're not ready. You went through something that broke you. Take your time.
It does get better, although you may need help at some point. Have you had counseling?

Dating isn't easy. Maybe you should build up your self esteem and your mental health before you dive into that.

I would add to the suggestion of counselling. Or a support group, even online. These events are very traumatic and it's very normal that you would be still upset by them. A journal is also a good idea if you are so inclined.
Take a step at a time. You can come out stronger out of this but you need support.

Well, I can't afford therapy.

And it appears to be only now that it's taking over a bit.

The last 18 months have been emergency mode for me and the dcs after his violence and dramas.

Now it's calmer, he has (yet) another gf and he's moved away, I feel l am left with a load of rubble to get through.

Also I don't know if I should say anything to his gf about his abuse. She's already asked ds1 (aged 19) if there's anything she should know about my ex. My ds just didn't say anything as he didn't want to create drama.

Victims generally only start to feel the weight of the trauma after the threat has passed. It's natural for you to feel it now rather than when you were still in survivor mode.

As for the new gf, I'd stay out of it. And your son should too.
It's just another reason for him to get you back on his radar and you don't need that.

It does sound perfectly natural that it's coming out now. Some things take a while to properly hit you.

This other guy doesn't sound very nice either. That's unfortunate because you really deserved someone to be a lot kinder than that, especially after what you've been through.

In answer to your question, yes there are decent guys out there. I've had two in a row before that were real wrong uns. I did make me feel hopeless for a while but I've since tried out some that are normal and nice. None I've got my heart set on, but they didn't have anything screamingly wrong with them.

It's ok to be single too. It's really preferable when you've got something like this to process. It's going to take time. You need to be patient with yourself for now. Make sure you're looking after yourself.

One way of looking at this is that you're going into feeling and healing mode. What you couldn't risk feeling when you are with him can come to the surface now.

Pulling over and having a cry is absolutely okay. Have you got a good and caring person in your background or memory? Sometimes talking yourself through the moment in their voice can be soothing and help the feelings release.

It takes time. Be so gentle with yourself.

Having another person in real life to talk to would be good. Could you ask your GP if there's a low cost or affordable counselling service in your area? Your local MIND may have details of other agencies or helplines you could access for support.

God, my trauma's still working its way through, some of it from childhood - and that was a VERY long time ago. I did ten years of heavy-duty therapy after divorce #2, so that's no guarantee of a clean slate either.

It happens in waves. As PPs have said, they tend to come when you're feeling safe enough to process them. The good news is that, as time goes on, they become less devastating. I had a very recent revelation about my mum which, years ago, would have felt like an earthquake: as it was, I felt ineffably sad for a couple of days, was able to sum the thing up in one sentence, and only had to write two sides of A4 about my feelings. Ten years ago, it would've been 30 pages and I'd still have had to take it to therapy.

Honour your clever mind for the jigsaws it's putting together and for knowing how to pace the lessons it's learning 🌱 And please be kind to your self!

So sorry to hear what you have been through. Well done on getting yourself out of an horrific situation.
I know you can’t afford counselling but please go to your GP. You sound like you are suffering from PTSD and gaining a diagnosis via the NHS means a different level of support - you may have to wait but please don’t leave it.
At 53, you are already going through so much anyway and this added level of upset won’t be helping.
As much as you’d like to warn a new partner, it’s not up to your DC to warn them about your ex. If someone new needs to ask questions like that it would already suggest to me that they recognise he’s a problem.
The best thing you can do right now is go back to basics. Spend time with people you love. Do things you enjoy. Put all of your resources into you and your DC.
I would give dating a break for a while, when you are so vulnerable it’s far too easy to get hurt.
Building up your confidence is key.
This man has taken so much from your life, he does not deserve to steal from your future.

So see today as a celebration day. Instead of writing ‘I had a cry today because my husband drove me to the DIY centre today and I was actually scared because he drove like this and that’ you have the ability to write ‘all I have of those times are bad memories’ and that’s actually a good thing, that’s all they are. You got out of that and can drive however you like, safely. You don’t put other drivers and your passengers (and yourself!) at risk and that is brilliant! Sit down with a drink and make a list of all the ways your and your children’s lives have improved. What good stuff has been added? What awful stuff has been eliminated?

Don’t ask him if he can remember those times or not. His memories and thoughts are not your problem anymore.

If you go on a date (meeting for the first time if you met on online dating isn’t a date, it’s a ‘first meet’) and anyone talks to you unpleasantly just get up and walk out. That’s why you stick to cheap, public, short things at first. Coffee in a high street shop is perfect. You just spent £5 on a tasty coffee then he says your spot is unattractive? Who cares? Walk out. It’s only a fiver.

And get yourself on the dating thread, in Relationships. It’s all upwards from now on.

Edited as you said you’re 53, we’ll I’m a teeny bit older than you. There’s plenty of dating time left if you want it. If you don’t want it, that’s fine too!