AIBU for going NC and not stating that I am?

[Jourl]

I'm not going to give the long backstory here, it's really rather long but essentially my mum and her husband are both narcissists. I've been in therapy and am doing really well now.

I've put in boundaries with Mum. But she hasn't accepted these and keeps sending stuff / showing up unannounced/ telling other family members lies about me.

I haven't bothered replying to her last message (a long hateful rant) and am now just thinking of going completely NC.

The thing is, I also want to go NC with my grandparents too as going to therapy has really made me realise how damaging their behaviour has been too. I'm also not keen on way they talk to my children and often have to tell them so but then get the "in my day children blah blah blah".

I don't need to declare this do I? I just stop replying and opening the door right? We are moving to a different country and I don't plan on telling them that either.

I know I'll miss by extended relatives going NC but I keep thinking about how they all beleive mum's lies anyway and I really don't want to waste my energy or expose my children to all that.

Going NC isn't about making a big drama about it, it's about protecting yourself. Decide which you want, because you can't have both.

Don't announce it, just quietly withdraw.

If you are moving country’s without telling them then it will all drift away to NC anyway.
You don’t need to announce you are going NC because that will just cause more drama and give them more ammunition against you. Be prepared for the fact that when they realise themselves you are NC they will likely send flying monkeys to try and emotionally manipulate you. I’m NC with family and they actually sent a private detective after me who would not very subtlety sit outside my house and watch me do school runs and took photos of me and my DC. Narcissists lose the plot completely when they realise they’ve lost control of you, so it’s good that you are moving country’s.

This is what I was thinking @HowIrresponsible , I dont want any drama, just to move on and leave them all on "block" so I'll never need contact from them again.

I am nervous about what they may do @bfrgggdsryvfg , DH has a friend in the police force and he has advised we log the harassment that we have endured already so then it's there if anything else unfolds. Moving country can't come quick enough.

@Jourl yes, that’s great advice. I contacted the police and we were told to log everything. We also got a security camera. It was like they knew though because it all died down after that.

How soon are you moving, Could you wait with going NC until you are abroad? Im just thinking in terms of your safety. It would be easier to avoid post brake up abuse of they don't know where you are/ you are in a different country

When going NC you do the opposite of announcing it. Zero drama. That's the whole point. Ignore all drama, if it becomes harassment report it factually but dispassionately. There are some excellent posts by a MNer about this on another thread this week but to summarise:

"Everything you tell them is information that shows them how to abuse you more. This is why you must not announce going NC and why gray rocking is so important. Telling them you're going NC, a burn letter, telling them off, etc just gives them information to hurt you even more the next time."

Also Google Karpman's drama triangle. If you announce you're going NC you place yourself in the role of cold hearted wrongdoer, they play the victims and the extended family become the rescuers. You play right into their hands and damage your own MH in the process. Instead practice grey rock, put them on a strict information diet, nothing about your life, your plans, or anything you value.

"Cold, calculated, emotionless statements, followed by action, will most likely put a stop to their behavior because you no longer give them the upset they are hoping to see."

Also learn how to 'bean dip' (I only heard it called this this week but have done this for years with my DPs). To quote the other poster again, "Bean dipping is changing the subject without reacting. For example, a family member visits and says “DM/GP has been so ill lately”. You reply “Sorry to hear that. Would you like beef or chicken for dinner?” (Say it without emotion and refuse to engage). If they continue, “X needs to see the children, don’t you care about her, etc…” you calmly restate your boundaries and reiterate your change of subject, ie “I don’t discuss DM. I think we’ll have chicken tonight”. Then walk away. The extended family get the message but over time they see who is causing the drama and who is calmly living their life.

I'd be so grateful if you could post a link to the thread with these excellent insights from another MN poster - it sounds like one I could definitely benefit from reading!

@Jourl no advice but we're in a similar situation with DH's family. Unfortunately we are not moving away, we all live in the same town. In your shoes, I would definitely go for 'grey rock' until you actually leave, then block everyone on every phone number, email address, social media etc and look to a future without their toxic influence in it. ❤

sure. filter search the posts by ivymom on 3 strikes Mil - I am done with her and going no contact. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5117206-3-strikes-mil-i-am-done-with-her-and-going-no-contact

Akward answering without knowing you.

i have luckily been blessed with the best family. My husband not so much. He accepts that - which is unacceptable to me. I’d rather fix things than tolerate them treating him shitty. But it’s his family, his choice.

you do you. If your family isn’t worth it, make a new one.

id suggest dropping a bomb just as you move. Legit explain everything, then block and leave. Or send letter. They need to grow as humans. or don’t, do what will make you feel better.

Even if they suck they should know you’re safe an happy somewhere, not abducted. Consider Christmas cards. Birthday, whatever. Get a friend to forward them along from your current country - no return address’s not even friends. Quick updates, happy healthy, no details for them to track you.

If it’s bad enough a cop says to file harassment then you REALLY REALLY should. Excellent to have on file. Maybe get them to realize their level of crazy.

To some, NC is akin to Ghosting.

To others NC is low drama, self-protection.

Im of the latter persuasion, I don't like confrontation and having to get into long drawn out explanations about my actions and choices, especially if someone's behaviour is so extreme, they have forced me to distance myself from them (which is the only reason I'd go NC).

If people give you joy, if they have your back as you have theirs, if the relationship gives you a warm glow when you think about it, then any problems that arise can be dealt with and there's no need to go NC.

If not, then do it, walk away and don't look back. No announcement, explanation or need for justification, they haven't earned it,

I guess whether you announce it or not will depend on how you think they will take you apparently vanishing off the face of the earth.

If they are the types to hire private detectives or splash missing persons information all over the internet you might want to avoid that. Particularly if there is any risk that a person in the new country might see it and out you. In which case, in your position I would quietly reduce contact more and more and then, when it comes time to make the move, just say you do not wish to hear from them ever again. Then block and leave. Don't say you are moving. If you have some obvious boundary violations to convey to them it might give them some explanation they can work with. Not that they deserve closure but it's far easier for a narc to paint you as the unreasonable person who made demands they "could not" follow and now you are being horrid and cutting them off. With no explanation of your absence their friends or other family members may ask after you. They may then feel the need to put on a show of the concerned parents hunting for you.

The advice to log all harassment is good. Especially any instances where you have said "please do not do xyz" and they have done it anyway.