name change for privacy. DP and I have been together for 7 years. I was previously married and divorced a few years before I met him.
A few years ago he proposed on holiday, his idea was very nice on paper but the delivery was incredibly chaotic and hectic, unexpectedly (to DP) a huge crowd at the location, long drive in traffic, completely lost and scrambling around a cliff face to find the location in heels, rubbish rather than prettiness, bad weather etc. He essentially relied on the hotel to suggest a location somewhere we had never visited before, so everything was an unknown.
We had just come from a week holiday with friends and he proposed on the first night of the second leg of the trip which was just us two.
I was pretty exhausted from late nights and copious amounts of booze on the first week of our holiday with friends, and this second week was meant to be our “reconnection” holiday after a tough year so we were both quite tense and the relaxation and destressing had definitely not happened yet.
Anyway, long story short I shut down during the proposal and didn’t say yes. I didn’t say no either I just literally couldn’t speak. It honestly felt like an out of body experience.
I think a huge part was just physical tiredness and discomfort, I am neurodiverse so can get overwhelmed easily.
If I’m honest I was also kind of irritated that the proposal wasn’t lovely and that I didn’t feel blown away. Completely aware that this makes me sound very high maintenance but I guess I always had an expectation that I’d be swooning with the romance during a proposal and it was not like that at all and I was pretty disappointed.
Additionally the whole thing probably pulled up a lot of hidden issues from my previous divorce, especially as I had viewed the holiday as a chance for me and DP to get back on track and it was the first night. I think I panicked at the thought of entering into another marriage if things weren’t perfect.
Basically I freaked out and shut down and just had this overwhelming sense of impending doom that I couldn’t shake.
Once we got back to the hotel we ended up having a big heart to heart and actually he was very understanding and the holiday ended up being really enjoyable. Six months later, once we were in a much better place and had dealt with our issues, I set up a really romantic date and asked him to ask me again, he did and I said yes. So we are now engaged and planning wedding.
He is truly an amazing partner and we are best friends - I couldn’t ask for better.
The issue is, while in our day to day it’s not an issue, when something happens to remind us I feel like I am right back there.
For example, every time we watch a proposal on TV, like last night, I can feel him tense up. It’s the pits, it’s like this traumatic memory bubbles up again for him. I feel so sad that other couples probably get to watch proposals and reminisce about their own romantic one, and for us it’s currently just this horrible memory.
Today, after the proposal on TV last night brought the subject up again, I am just so down. I’m simultaneously kind of cross with him that he didn’t just do a better job of the first proposal, be a bit more careful about timing and organisation. I’m also really cross with myself that I couldn’t have just been a normal person and laughed with him about how bad it was, or at least just said yes and faked it until I had recovered from whatever I was dealing with. But most of all I feel so guilty that I've basically given him this trauma for the rest of his life! He is so lovely and tried his best and I wish I’d seen that at the time rather than being so stuck in my head and panicking.
I want us to be able to kind of accept what happened as just part of our story. I wish we could laugh about it but I know that it’s not my place to dictate how he feels about it.
Will talking about it more help? Do we need therapy? Is this just one of those things in life that aren’t perfect but we carry on? Is there a way to turn it around to be positive? I guess it did make us stronger and closer in a way and at least he will have learnt more about how my brain and body works and I learnt that he is incredibly wonderful and understanding.
I just wish I didn’t feel so guilty and bad about the whole thing and wonder if that’s forever or if there is a way to move forward on the issue 😭😭😭.
I want our story to be lovely but this feels like a thorn in our side even two years later - but maybe it’s just a lesson I have to learn, that things can still be beautiful even if it’s not perfect?
I can’t talk to anyone in real life as I’ve been sworn to secrecy so I guess I’m seeking wise words and maybe common experiences.