Telling children you are dating?

[LightAroundTheBlinds]

I am a single parent. The dc do have contact with dad but not overnight and very very rarely both at the same time for any extended period of time. That situation is complicated and won't change soon so that aspect is just how it is.

They are 10 and 12 and the 12 yo has real trouble getting to sleep and is frequently up still at midnight, so there isn't really any evening time where no dc are around at all.

I haven't dated at all in the 6 years since I split with ex, and I wasn't looking to, but I have randomly met a chap, and I really like him. We've been messaging and met up a few times while dc were in school and he was able to get away from work.

It's super new, and I had no intention of even mentioning it in any way to dc, but a friend of mine who also has autistic children (mine are autistic) said to me that maybe I need to let them know that I'm dating, so that they don't feel lied to. Trust is a massive issues for them.

I know, from reading threads on here, that it is not a good idea to introduce dc to a new man for a year, and I have no intention of introducing them - but now I'm wondering - should I tell them that I'm seeing someone?

I can't really see how anyone can carry on a relationship for an extended period of time and keep the people they spend most of their time with in the dark about it practically?

I'm confused, and completely new at this, and I really need advice.

i never told mine at that age. it really depends though on whether you ever go out? I would go out and get babysitters and say I was meeting a friend. I have lots of friends so this wasn't unusual. it was a bit easier as they were with their Dad part time so I generally dated when they weren't around.
if they'd asked I'd have answered truthfully though. probably keeping details very light. I never introduced boyfriends until they were older and we'd been dating several years

Thanks - that is useful

I’m also a lone parent - I don’t tell Dd about any dates etc (although currently am not dating at all!) until I knew for sure it was a long term thing.

I think a year is a good rule of thumb, you know by then if it’s going to last and then can start very slow introductions.

I have rushed into dating and telling Dd and will never make that mistake again!

I wouldn’t tell them until you’ve been dating him a few months and feel like it’s going to be long term. How would they feel about it? It might complicate things, so I’d just keep quiet. I dated someone for 3 months and my teens didn’t know

Introducing new partners early on - absolutely no. Don't do it.
Telling your children specific information about someone you're dating before the relationship is serious - no. Even when they don't meet this person, they can already get attached to the image they have of him.
However, you haven't dated in the past 6 years. It's not like a 10 and 12 year old won't notice you being away more frequently, having babysitters more often. If trust is an issue, I'd be inclined to tell them something. But you can keep it very vague.
You could tell them you've decided you're ready to start dating again. So you'll be going out now and then and meeting new people. These people aren't boyfriends, they are just men you're getting to know. When you do meet someone interesting down the road, you'll let them know as soon as it becomes a serious relationship.

No. It is way too early. Just ensure they don’t find out.

They don't need to know anything about your love life. All it will do is unsettle them and make them worry that you're going to move a man into their home.

Thanks - lots of very insightful and useful input.

I don't think they would be happy, but there is absolutely so question of moving anyone in, probably ever while they're at home. That is just not something I would do. I am VERY wary and will not repeat past mistakes (even though past mistake was their dad, he was not a good person to live with)

This is it - I don't see that I can manage to actually carry out any kind of dating without them noticing because it would necessarily necessitate a noticeable change in behaviour. I never go out alone usually. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I don't want to do the wrong thing by them, but I also don't think it's unreasonable to want to have a bit of my own life as well.

OP rather than dating in the first instance, why don't you start doing the odd thing in the evening. Meet up with friends for example, or even go to the cinema. Just get them starting to get used to the fact that mum does stuff without them, at their age this shouldn't be difficult conversation. Even if it's just going out for an evening class or something fairly structured.

That's an interesting idea. Thanks ☺️

I really don't want to be 'that person' but I do have this chap and I really really like him. But yes, getting them used to other 'mum alone' activities is a good idea.

'They don't need to know anything about your love life. All it will do is unsettle them and make them worry that you're going to move a man into their home.
This

Yes this. Meet female friends as well.

Involving them in your relationships before you even know whether it is going to be long term is damaging and unsettling for them.

Yes I would tell kids that your dating, it's important that they learn how relationships develop. Keeping it secret until you're serious doesn't paint a good picture does it. Waiting a year is completely over the top.

No need to tell them specifics or anything like that, just enough to set out the stage that you might meet someone and develop a relationship in the future.

I don't see what's wrong with having a new friend who pops round for a cup of tea or to help in the garden in an everyday sort of way.

I don't know where the current 'wait at least a year' belief stems from but there's nothing wrong with making new friends, male and female at all the different states throughout our lives.

Surely getting to know someone organically is more natural than hiding things, or a declaration that you've started dating. That seems to make more of it than necessary, and potentially cause alarm which could be avoided by a friendship gradually developing into something more.

It’s a mine field and you will get lots of opinions.

But ultimately you have to look at your family and decided what’s right.

It’s really hard for women to try and carve out a private life whilst having children full time. We do have to protect them & safeguard them and it can be done if managed properly.

If I was you I’d ask this new chap what his intentions are. You may feel it’s a bit awkward but it will show he is emotionally available and mature if he can answer truthfully.

If he days ‘just wanna see where it goes’ - keep him very casual and don’t tell the kids and also don’t put yourself out for him. He may not really want a relationship.

If he says ‘actually I’m looking to commit to a relationship’

Then your on firmer ground.

It’s hard to keep it secret - I have a 11 year old who could be in MI5 - she knows I have a friend who I like to hang out with.

My kids go to their dads so I don’t have the problem of not having any free time.

Your situation is harder though - first off you need to know if it could be potentially going somewhere.

I don’t judge women who introduce their children to their boyfriends quicker than the standard ‘year’ as in real life that’s not always viable - I’d probably have to do the same if I had them full time and no childcare.

We don’t have to sacrifice ourselves for our children regardless of what mum guilt says.

If you feel being honest would be better for your children - be honest. I’m going to the pictures with X - he is a friend.

My youngest is similar age to your eldest. At first I didn’t tell them but my eldest is quite clued up and asked me outright. I decided honesty was best so now if they ask I tell them. But generally I try date when kids aren’t around so it’s not obvious. However if it was the other way round I think it would be nice if they were honest about it to. I wouldn’t introduce anyone quickly either. I think a lot of people cave before a year. But maybe having the kids meet a partner gives a real view of the other part of your life. Reality as a mum.

I agree with this.

I think a lot of it stems from shaming the woman if she has a few male ‘friends’

The wait a year is to give it time to see whether a relationship will last. Having people come into a child’s life is good, but having someone leave is not so great for attachment. Of course if they barely see the kids that’s fine.

When relationships end the person tends to disappear and that is a problem if they have formed a significant relationship with the person. Friends don’t usually disappear completely from a child’s life.

This is interesting.

So much to consider. Excellent advice here, thank you all so much

Children aren't stupid. Introducing him as "a friend" or talking about your new "friend" isn't going to fool them but make them anxious as they'll know you're hiding something.

I agree. Mine were 15 and 12 and I basically told them straight away I would be out on dates. I would tell my 12 yo daughter how it went as she was interested.

we are a close family and I share most things with my kids as believe that they have a right to know, and if I go out they will normally ask and I see no point in lying.

it depends how your kids are, and at some point if it works they will find out so getting used to the idea is a good one imo.