Ex’s new partner overnighting with my son

[O5h]

My ex fiancé and I of 7 years with a 10 month old son split 6 months ago when I found out she was seeing another person (a girl in fact). Our relationship broke down as she continued to be emotionally tied with this girl and come to terms with her sexuality. After coming to terms with the pain of what has gone on (which I’m still coming to terms with) I asked my ex that our son is not introduced to new partners too early and certainly does not overnight with them early on as it doesn’t feel right. I found out tonight that my ex has her new partner over the night whilst looking after my son and it has really upset me and made me feel angry. am I right to feel so upset and annoyed? Am I right to ask her not to do this or at least not to do this so soon? I feel I am being replaced as a father and struggling to come to terms with the change

I'm sorry. This would really hurt me too. It's so much to be going through all in a short timeframe. It sounds like your baby's mum needs to focus on adjusting to motherhood and her mental health for a while but is going through some kind of crisis lurching from relationship to relationship. I don't think anything can be done legally in the UK unless there are safeguarding concerns beyond this clearly won't help a baby feel settled. All you can control is being the best father you can.

You can ask, you can't insist. It's a lot I know.

What's the current custody arrangement?

And, of course you're not being replaced. Firstly because you're the dad, and secondly because the GF won't even be a step dad.

It’s really not great for your son to be introduced to a new partner so soon - although in part because it’s too soon to know whether the relationship will last, and it just means he may well lose an adult he attaches to our of his life. If the partner is decent and the relationship is stable etc it won’t necessarily be damaging - but you are right to be concerned and it is early for your ex to be doing that.

Unfortunately there is little you can do other than try and talk to her.

You are justified to be upset and annoyed- especially if this is there other woman - that’s salt on a wound.

However, it’s the shit part of co-parenting you can’t dictate what happens. Have a chat but I think it won’t go the way you are expecting

It's understandable that you feel upset about this. You can ask her not to do it, but you can't force her.

Very normal to be upset about it, you can of course ask her not to but you can't force her not to. Sounds like she's not going to listen to you anyway as she didn't the last time.

I think you need to accept unfortunately that you have limited ability to stop this from happening.
However, you continue to have rights as the father and you can also have a rational conversation with the ex asking he to consider the impact on the child by introducing partners so quickly. She may see sense, there's plenty of threads on here to support the concept of waiting a fair amount of time before introducing new partners. But ultimately you can't stop her unless there's a safeguarding concern

I understand that you're still grieving the loss of your relationship. It's going to take some time to heal.

But you're going to have to co-parent for a very long time, so you need to get something straight.
There are things you'll want to insist on, because they are in the best interest of your child.
And then there are things you'll want or need, because of your own emotional well-being.
Realise that she's your ex, and she has absolutely zero obligation to do anything for you. Things that make you feel sad or uncomfortable or upset, they are now your problem, and only your problem. She has no legal or moral obligation to make things easier for you. Your fear or becoming irrelevant as a father is your issue. It has nothing to do with your child. So you need to carry this on your own and find support elsewhere, maybe start counseling. Because every child needs a present father, even if there's an active step-parent around.

Regarding the overnight situation, you need to ask yourself who you're protecting. Is it your child, or is it yourself? Who is at risk of feeling sad or being burdened? My guess is it's you more than your child. Your child is 10 months old. I don't know how well he sleeps at night, but back when my daughter was that age I could easily put her to bed at 7pm and not hear a peep until the next morning. She was in her bad in her bedroom and blissfully unaware of the rest of the world. So are these overnight visits really such a big problem? Did you son even see the other woman around?

This is such a good response and advice.