Leaving my husband

[laughingheart]

Hi,

4 weeks ago I dropped a bombshell that has burned my relationship as I know it to the ground. After years (3+) of not wanting to have sex with my husband of 8 years (together for 15, since I was 18) and going through the motions anyway I finally told him that I was not happy being in a relationship with someone I see as a sibling.
We have two DCs (5+nearly 3) and on paper everything is lovely. I am the main earner and he has stayed home to raise the children for the last few years. He is the best man I know, kind, patient, adoring of me. But I feel like I recoil from his touch, am happier when he's not at home and really, really do not want to have sex with him.
Various things have contributed to this - he has become very passive letting me take charge of our lives and I have become a very critical person. Classic over functioning/under functioning relationship . I told him 4 weeks ago thati can't do this anymore. I am in counselling (4th session) that is helping me feel stronger in my need to be out of the relationship but I am consumed with guilt and shame. I feel paralysed by it. He is desperate to try and I feel myself become more detached every day. We tried date night this week but I just look at his lovely face and thing despite our huge history and all the love I feel for him, I just can't flip the switch to fancy him again.

Any advice welcome..

No advice as such, but hopefully my reply will help others pick this up.

Hopefully your counselling sessions will also be emphasising that you need to be kind to yourself in this.

I met my exH at 19 and although we were on/off for the first year or so, we married at 24 then split at 31. A lot of people commented to me at the time that perhaps I just didn’t really know who I was in my early twenties, and your thirties are really when you get to know yourself, know what you want and need in different areas of life - and what needs refreshing.

I’m now with someone else (and have two DD with my new partner). The children make me have a higher level of dissatisfaction before I’d consider leaving - but actually with my newer (now 13 years!) relationship, the same “dulling” of sexual interest is there, which I hope will pick back up when the kids get a bit older (and hopefully I get a bit less tired); but in the meantime, living happily as a family, providing a safe place for the DDs is my highest priority.

It’s rarely going to be the same as the first rush of meeting someone! But only you can choose what’s most important for you at every stage in your own life.

Do you have supportive friends and family members nearby?

I wonder what your plans are?
Are you planning on leaving the relationship?
This may mean that you would lose residency of your children. As your husband has been a stay at home parent whilst you work he most probably would be awarded the same by a Court order. This is what would most likely be considered in the Best interests of the children. You would be likely to get a 50/50 arrangement but it’s likely that your husband would have major control that the children live with him. If that feels ok with you then go ahead and leave. Need to think carefully of your next steps. Hope you can work something out.

Thank you both for responding. I have lots of supportive family and friends.

We've both said we won't go to court and would nest for a few years until we remortgage and release equity for him to buy or rent elsewhere. We dont think the children should have to move. Life would carry on as 'normal' as much as possible for them, he'd do the school runs and then back to the home for dinner and then leave when i got home from work and then EOW with us staying elsewhere our weekend 'off'.

We are just both so sad. Once I started seeing him as a friend/sibling it's been almost impossible for me to see him as anything else. I feel like I'm ripping everything apart over this but a healthy sex life/attraction is really important to me and I just feel like we are such different people now and have grown apart rather than together. There is no animosity, it's just rubbish.

I feel consumed with guilt.

I get why resentment has built up. On the one hand it's fantastic he's at home with the kids but if it was never discussed and he just let you just take over all the other roles then yeah having such a passive, perhaps slightly manipulative figure, around would get to me too.

Would it help if got a job for himself? He doesn't need to be the breadwinner but perhaps if he started taking a pro-active role with money and decisions to take the burden off you? I mean what's his plan for when both kids are in school? He can't just mooch at home?

I would advise you to slow down.
You've had 4 counseling sessions. As great as it is that you're taking time for yourself, 4 is nothing. Not nearly enough to get to the root of what's happening.
Have you had couples counseling?
Have you done anything as a couple to address the over/under functioning dynamic?
You've had 1 date night since. Again, not nearly enough to get through the situation you're in.

I understand that you're bored in your relationship and no longer attracted. But single motherhood isn't a picknick either. And once you tosse your marriage out of the window, there's likely no going back.
At least try to get it back before you break it apart.

No one should stay in a marriage if they are unhappy.

Your DH should start getting back out to work though as when you finally split he needs to be able to run a house financially. And I assume you will be 50/50 so you will need to work out your share of the school runs etc

Honestly though I think nesting is bad, too enmeshed and no one gets to move on, clean break is better including the DC

I'm a lone parent BTW have been for 14 years.

It was all planned that he'd be at home with the children until they were both in school. That's what's so frustrating, this is all of our own making. He has a job starting at the end of Summer and is wanting me to hang on on making a decision until Christmas which I'm happy to do. I just feel so much shame and guilt that I'm struggling to think about anything else.
We are best friends and like I said there are no bad feelings. Nesting would need to be short term whilst we sorted the house finances with releasing equity at the end of our deal. I just feel like I could have said nothing and lived an okay life with my best friend but the thought of carrying on like this fills me with dread

I’m sure nesting might work in the short fend but longer term you need to prepare for shared custody. It’s not easy, but if you don’t love him like a partner anymore its best to end the relationship. Life isn’t easy when children are young, so I’d think long and hard as I’ve been a single mum for years and it’s not easy. Neither is finding a nice man, I’m just staying single. You may need to sell the property and both buy something smaller, as he needs to be able to house the children during his time with them too. Nesting won’t work long term when one of you moves on.

OP - have you met someone else?

No, there's no one else thankfully. That would complicate things further.

I know nesting isn't a permanent solution but would give us some breathing space for a while at least and let the kids get used to it. I just don't know what to do :(

This is no different from the conventional 'man at work carrying financial load' 'woman at home looking after kids' except sex reversal.

Would everyone here feel OP reasonable to be bored of this - especially when it was agreed ? Would they all be saying 'he needs to get a job' .

I doubt it.

You do you OP but don't dress it up.
I would put money on there being someone else of interest on the scene.

Yup, cherchez l’homme!

Nothing might have happened yet, but I suspect some attraction to another man.

There is no one else, not sure there's much I can do to convice you otherwise, nor do I need to.

I'm also not sure of the relevance of him working/not working? I mentioned it in my OP for financial context. I've also not said I'm bored.. I don't want to have sex with him but we have a full and varied life, hobbies, interests, etc. I'm not bored. I'm unhappy!

I've always gone off partners sexually after 1-2 years. It's normal.

We form pair bonds with a man to have a child. When child is around 4 years old and more independent, in our evolutionary history, we then got together with another man for another child. That mechanism is still in our brains.

Some people manage to stay attracted, but I haven't found that.

when you say “bombshell”

you mean to say be had no idea and you’d never even hinted at it?

surely all you describe would have given him a very clear steer way before any announcement

you haven’t wanted to have sex with him for more than 3 years

unless you’re a phenomenal actress

i can’t see how you dropped any kind of “bombshell”

We've had several conversations about me not being happy before and he's aware of the sex issue but I've always said 'sure it'll get better' and then just carried on a bit in denial, I guess. He's shocked that I've said I'm seriously considering leaving him now but the reflections we've had since have led us both to understand its been brewing for a long time. The initial conversation felt very much a bombshell, we'd just had a lovely weekend away and I feel like I dropped it on him at a bad time.

it sounds to me like you have been very evidently unhappy for a long time

and your other thread confirms it’s actually been very serious

was he supportive during you trying to moderate drinking?

Yes, very supportive which was great. I have been unhappy for some time yes. I have made other changes in my life to try and improve that, stopped drinking, started some new hobbies, saw more of my friends etc but the feeling has persisted.

did you manage to stop?

He must have taken on a lot during those years of drinking op

and that would have presumably been a HUGE sign to him that you were very very unhappy

so you should stop thinking of it as a bombshell and more telling him
directly what he has known but not done anything about for years

but i suspect he’s not been happy either

It's always interesting to hear these kind of queries because if this was a man, he'd be called all sorts. He's stayed home whilst you've went about your separate life and now he's done the hard part you've decided to quit?
I actually feel quite sad for him that you've done that and it seems you're not willing to try to save what you have. Why is that? During counselling, I don't think you should be making any huge life altering decisions, and that you should work through that plus go to couples counselling. Talk to the couples councillors and get an action plan in place, then see where you are in 6 months. Try to put all of your effort into rebuilding a new marriage, where both of you are happy and moving forwards instead of plotting ways to leave what sounds like a perfectly good husband 🤷‍♀️

If it were me, I'd stay and try and build a relationship that works for you now. Would he be open to an open relationship?

If you get on still and he's your best friend, what's the point and where is the need to nest at all? Thats done by people who can't stand to live with each other while they sort stuff, or need to make a public intent on separation because of seeing someone else. That's just wasting money if either of you have to rent elswhere when its not your turn. You might as well accept the penalties for getting out of your mortgage deal sooner - I doubt it would be as much as rent on a property.
It could be said you've not tried that hard if you if not had couples counselling yet and you seem focused on your immediate needs rather than taking in the bigger picture.
Some things you say don't tally so I wonder how straight your thinking is? One the one hand it will be a few years before you can remortgage without penalty. On the other hand, you say nesting will be short term - not years?
Have you asked your mortgage company what the penalties would be, then set that against how much rent you'd pay out by nesting? Sometimes people can get fixated with a need to get to the end of their deal.
I think the nesting is not out of financial necessity, and more about your guilt. How has he taken the idea of no sex ever again? Is he trying to convince you otherwise, or has he accepted it?
While you give relationship dynamics reasons for no sex, that it's been 3 years basically means just after you last gave birth you had an attitude shift towards him, that is no coincidence and more likely a reason.

I think carrying on 'for the sake of the kids' so to speak, is a mistake. Kids know there's something up and they can pick up on your distaste for your husband..... even if they can't actually describe it or explain it out aloud. It's not healthy for any of you imo, particularly long-term. That distaste/tolerance will inevitably, imo, turn toxic over time (not your fault, it happens to everyone) and..... If there's a way to head that off at the pass now, however fraught the short-term pain is..... I'd consider taking that route. Be clear with the kids what's happening.... It'll pay dividends in the long term. (might be shit short term but there's a downside to every decision taken in life, it's how you manage the downsides that is key).