Damn him to bits

[suspiciousqueen]

I normally fly off the handle and act irrationally when someone does wrong to me and then I cut them off forever but with my partner I can't as we have kids, live in the same house so I'm trying to figure out if he's cheated on me or not. I need your input in making sense of it. Please read the below and help me.

During covid he started wfh and started whatsapping a woman he worked on a project with but that project finished. I never would have known if I didnt look through his phone. There were loads of messages between them where it's like they were getting to know each other. Nothing flirty but he'd ask her about family, her age, what she's up to and a few jokes here and there and she would do the same. Every day they would message each other.
It looked like they were getting emotionally attached, I can say for certain if I didn't find out, their next steps would have been to meet up, I'm sure of it.

I called him out on it and he denied everything, saying it's just normal chat. Thing with him is he never does it with blokes. In the past there's always been another woman who he gets close to emotionally.

I explained how it made me feel, that he's asking her loads of personal questions about her life and yet he never asks me anything. Why is he so interested in getting to know her, he said he's not bothered and that he will delete her number if I want him to. So he did as he said he didn't want me to be upset.

whenever I strike up a conversation with him he grunts one word answers, behaves impatiently like he wants me to hurry up and be quiet. During covid I started a business online and when I was starting out I was excited about it and couldn't wait to share it with him, when I started to tell him about it he cut me off and said "I don't want to hear about your stupid Instagram business it's boring" to say that hurt me was an understatement and then to read his messages to her where he's all interested in anything she says hurt so bad.

Fast forward to now, he's been short tempered with me and the kids, behaving moody, blaming me for everything and just constantly irritated with me. So I thought let me look through his phone. She's messaged him. My heart dropped. It was an innocent chat between them but he never told me.
I told him and he said she was asking for a contact number of a colleague and he gave it, reason why he didn't tell me was because it was a day before our anniversary and he didn't want me to get upset. Fair enough I thought as he also said he just wanted to give her his colleagues number and then delete her chat which he did.

But my senses were tingling so I went into his work laptop and looked at his teams chat with his colleague and saw the messages between them where my partner says to him that she has contacted him to ask for his number for a role that's come up in his dept. His colleague says there's no point as she won't get the role etc and then my partner messaged him saying he's phoned her and had a chat with her!

This floored me even more!

He lied as he didnt tell me he phoned and spoke to her. They haven't spoke since 2021 so obviously they would have been catching up etc.

I haven't told him I know he spoke to her as I don t know if I should just drop it and the reason he didn't tell me is cos he thought I'd go bananas at him or because the friendship is starting up again!

Thanks for reading of you've got this far.

Do you think I should end it with him?

Your relationship sounds like a mess. You're checking his phone and work messages. He's disengaged, miserable and moody. He's having an emotional affair, one of many. I'm guessing he does nothing at home and you run around after him.

Where do you see this going OP?

Sounds really awful. What are you getting out of this other than a boatload of humiliation?

You're right when you say one of many, as there is another woman at his work who he's now doing the same with. On Teams, it's all innocent their chat but the way he's so invested in what she tells him and the way he's so engaged by asking her loads of follow up questions and how they make plans to meet at work to play pool. It's just so draining

Yes

Why is cheating the line?

He's uninterested in you, can't stand talking to you, couldn't be bothered to hear about your business, he's short tempered with you, moody, blames you for everything and is constantly irritated with you.

Sounds like an awful relationship whether he's cheating or not. What do you actually get from being with him? aside from keeping the family in the same house?

I think you’re feeling very insecure and jealous. Grounds for ending it would be his grunting disinterest in you rather than his communications with a.colleague though (which don’t sound that bad).
You don’t trust him. Only you know all the reasons why and if you would feel more peaceful and happy without him.

😂I don't think strong 'feminine energy' means focusing on looking hot and her body when a man is being a cunt to her and 'running game' on another 'chick'.

Sounds more like being a 'cool girl'.

Your opening sentence makes you sound like a nightmare to be honest. Doesn't read to me like he has done anything wrong with this woman. He did as you told him and then she contacted him about a job and I wouldn't think it unreasonable for him to reply. Maybe he isn't interested in your stuff because you control him and nag him too much. Or maybe there is some drip feeding here that we still need.

'I do think he was running game on the chick but they never hooked up.'

😂😂😂

You need to focus on looking hot and your body not his phone

Wise words.

"I don't want to hear about your stupid Instagram business it's boring"

why exactly do you want to be with this man?

Protip: if you’re going to claim to be a 37 year-old woman or whatever you said in another post, don’t slip up and use male terms like “running game.”

Probably best to avoid incel talking points like “being out of your feminine energy” as well.

Could the emotional affairs be symptomatic of deeper issues in your relationship?

Not being interested in your new business is quite a big thing - for me anyway.

I had a conversation with him earlier today that I knew he called her and his response was he forgot he did that, apparently it went completely out of his head. He seriously thinks I'm a mug. Then he had the audacity to say that I'M ruining everything!