We should be so happy

[Soboredwithhousework]

We have a lovely home, great family, comfortable financially . My husband is actually a very kind and caring man who tells me he loves me every day.

It's everything I've ever wanted but by his own admission he loves to sabotage things.

A few months ago we were talking with friends and he said he does things to deliberately wind me up until I snap.
This will include drinking too much (he has a health condition which means he shouldnt), smoking (same), not doing things around the house that he's promised to do.
This conversation has been playing on my mind lately. We did talk about it straight afterwards where I told him it's a horrible thing to do to someone you claim to love. He agreed and promised to stop but the behaviour has started slipping back.
It's like he's a rebellious teenager and I have to put him back into line!
We have been married 10 years, 5 grown up children between us, we should be enjoying life but it seems like he enjoys pissing me off.
I am going to sit him down tonight and have it out with him but what do I say? He claims he doesn't know why he does it and I find it very difficult to explain it to him.

Well, you can only say how you feel and where your boundaries are. Be very clear
on how it hurts you and destroys your relationship and give him an ultimatum. And mean it. How cruel and pointless of him. Although drinking to access is probably his own addiction problem he hides behind some fucked-up desire to upset you. But either way you shouldn’t have to live with it. Good luck OP.

Why don't you react differently to it. If his doing this to get a reaction out of you I would ignore it and act like I'm not even noticing If his not getting the attention he wants he may give up.

I tried that with (thankfully now X)H. He just ramped things up to provoke a reaction!

Soboredwithhousework this is no way to live. You can’t be happy if he treats you like this. Essentially you are an emotional punch bag. It might be worth getting some talking therapy/counselling (on your own!) to process how he’s behaving and think about what you really want. Life’s too short to live like this.

This behaviour is probably linked to the relationships he saw growing up. Does his dad act like this towards his mum? If so, it can be surprisingly hard to break away from childhood patterns. Of course that doesn't mean that you should have to put up with it. Is he open to counselling?

The money and the nice house won't make you happy when you are living with an arsehole.
Personally I cba with having to employ strategies to deal with him - I'd want out.
Theres a lovely thread going on at the moment about all the unforeseen upsides and beautiful lives that women are enjoying after divorce - might be worth a read.
Living with someone who is emotionally manipulative is so draining and sucks the joy out of everything.

He had a very difficult childhood. His father was abusive and his mother died very young. This obviously affected him very deeply and I think he's always been looking for that mother figure.
We had counselling a couple of years ago but it didn't really help. I think we would definitely benefit from individual counselling.

My husband is actually a very kind and caring man. He's not though.

Tell him that you will not be willing to look after a man who needs care, because said man has not looked after himself.

Because this is what's going to happen, isn't it. He has known health conditions, yet pushes his luck, and furthermore by his own admission he does it to wind you up? Nah. That would be a big fat effing NOPE from me, OP.

I used to be a smoker. I love smoking, and truth be told - if I could have a guarantee that it would never make me ill (we all know the risks, I don't need to list them!), I'd be sitting here now with 3 fags in my mouth. But life isn't all the fun in all the ways that in an ideal world, we would want it to be. I DO NOT want my sister having to look after me because I haven't bothered looking after myself. Why should you be risking your future happiness by staying with a man who is so incredibly selfish? Why? If he isn't going to grow up then this is his choice to make. You also have a choice to make OP, and you're entitled to say "no ta".

It's a form of control. I couldn't tolerate it.

you are not his keeper it shouldn't be up to you to keep him from things that are bad for his health- that's his own responsibility

Yikes, you can’t be meaning he thinks of you as his mum??

I suppose in a way, although it seems very weird to think of it like that !

its the way that he just wants to be looked after. He literally just goes to work and comes home. Everything else is taken care of by me - shopping, cleaning, washing, cooking, admin....I just have the time to do it and have never minded, but I have put myself in a position where I feel more like his mother than his wife.

And in a subconscious way maybe he likes getting told off, I don't know 🤔
I should also mention there is no sexual spark between us. Due to his medical condition and lack of care he has ED problems

medical issues aside if he is treating you like his mother there is no chance of sexual spark is there :(