Is this abuse?

[Discotrousers]

I know the answer really, I think I just need to hear (well, read) other people say so. If a stepfather makes sexual comments about a teenage girl, hangs around outside the bathroom door and then 'squeezes' past her when she's just got out of the shower, smacks or squeezes her bottom as she walks past him, refers to her body as 'firm young flesh' and leers at her all the time, would you call/deem that sexual abuse?

You can probably guess why I'm asking, people (who obviously have a vested interest in shoving this back under the carpet where they don't have to deal with it) are trying to minimise what he did and make out that it wasn't 'bad enough' to be abuse. My rational mind knows that's a (convenient) lie but they've sowed a seed of doubt and now I need some confirmation that I'm not going crazy and the majority of people would see his behaviour as abusive.

Of course it is horribly abusive. I hope you are ok and safe.

that is HORRIBLE. I’m so sorry.

That's sexual harassment and the behaviour of a PREDATOR! If this is someone living in your house you need to remove him ASAP!!

To be completely blunt!!! Making remarks like ((('firm young flesh'))) sounds like he would rape her!!!

Sorry I should have clarified, this is a long time in the past, I was the teenage girl and am now in my 40's so not in danger now.

Yes it's abuse and the people minimising it are repulsive.

I'm so sorry

Foul abusive and predatory behaviour.

I'm sorry you were subjected to this by such a vile man.

Don't doubt yourself. It was abusive.

Yes, that’s predatory and abusive behaviour. I am sorry that happened to you. People should be able to feel safe in their own homes.

I feel bit sick reading that, what a vile man. I'm sorry you had to endure such awful behaviour. Anybody else have a similar experience with this person? I'd say so - it just hasn't come out yet. 😞

I’m so sorry people minimised it and you weren’t supported properly.

He sounds disgusting.

Id say it was abuse.

Yes very inappropriate and sexual harrsement.
Hope for karma with these types of men.
It does not belong under the carpet.
I was called to a case for jury service about a historic family sexual harrsement case,, I was pleased I was not picked! Sickening

Thank you for the reassuring replies, I know (rationally) that they're just protecting the facade they've built (that he is a decent man/we are a happy family) and are too cowardly to face the truth but my god does it make you doubt yourself when no one will acknowledge it! The worst of it is that I'm quite happy to have no contact and just get on with my life but they refuse to let it lie, it's become glaringly obvious that I'm not allowed (in their eyes) to not toe the party line and they think I should let them brush the whole thing back under the carpet.

Yes, it was abuse. I am sorry you are suffering still. Do you think talking to someone would help?

I've had one lot of therapy already and just waiting for the second round to start, I should be nearing the top of the list by now and it can't come soon enough! It's just hard not to wobble in the meantime when every bit of (unwelcome) contact from them comes with pressure to back down and take back what I've said about him. Trying to stay NC is like a game of whack-a-mole, as fast as I block they find another way to contact me so it feels like a constant attack on the little bit of self belief I've managed to build up. His behaviour has been minimised and excused for so long so it can be really hard not to let them get in my head.

Does everyone know what he did or has it been kept secret from some people who are trying to contact you?

All the people trying to contact me know although I actually only told DM, she didn't react well and has since told other family members in order to garner support for her version of events. It's slowly dawning on me that she's probably a narc and that I've always been the scapegoat to some degree.

There is the option to go nuclear. "You know what, this has all made me think. I'm thinking about going to the police and reporting. They are looking at lots of historical abuse now and this is a crime. The more everyone asks me, the more I will consider it."

The problem is that this could go either way.

If it’s not a joke I think it is sexual abuse

I’ve just read a bit more of the thread now. I think you shouldn’t report it but only because it will dig up a load of trauma for you and cause a load of stress.

sexual harassment is horrible any age, any where, but for a teenager to be living with it in their own home where they should feel safe and nurtured is even worse

Even if it is a 'joke' it's sexual abuse. Grown men don't get to live with teenage girls and 'joke' about their sexual attractiveness. Men don't get to decide what's acceptable.

There's far too much "but it was a joke" that goes on. Normally Schrodinger's Joke when men decide whether something was a joke based on the woman's reaction.

But I think stepdads need to go the extra mile to avoid any doubt, and I say this as one.

It's not enough to 'not abuse them' (that bit's easy) - it's realizing that in such an unfortunately abusive culture they need to be able to look back and have no doubts, no niggling thoughts about 'that time....'

I never enter any of their private spaces without knocking and waiting. I'd never make any comment that could be interpreted in a sexualized manner.

Stepdads (usually!) have an easier time than stepmums. It's the least we can do to take some extra effort to make sure the kids look back at their childhoods as a time of security and trust.

OP, I'm so sorry. Everything you describe there counts as sexual abuse.

It is indeed - I am sorry you had to put up with this.