Help me get over being dropped by in laws

[Schmoana]

I was with my ex for 22 years from the age of 17 then we got divorced. We had two kids who are now adults

I always felt close to his parents. They helped me
grow up in a lot of ways, I was so young when I met them and I felt part of a really nice family. We’ve kept in touch since the divorce and I’ve visited and stayed with them many times

But since the kids are old enough to make their own arrangements I feel I’ve been dropped. I get birthday and Xmas cards but that’s it. I’ve been feeling I was making all the contact effort and decided to stop and see what happened and no one is contacting me. Other things have happened which I won’t go into but I’m sure I’m dropped. I don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong.

i lost my own parents fairly recently and it’s really upset me that they’ve dropped me too. Yes they are old and you could say I would lose them soon anyway but it’s upsetting to think I didn’t mean as much to them as they did to me. Lots of lovely times in my life where I felt loved by them but was it only cos I was mother to their grandchildren?

I suspect people will say it’s normal after divorce but I don’t have many good relationships in my life - I suspect I have a bit of a personality disorder/borderline social anxiety. I feel really down about it

is it normal to be dropped and so I just need to grow a pair and get over it?

I expect they are just following your lead and letting you move on.

I suspect people will say it’s normal after divorce

And that’s exactly what I came on to say. I honestly wouldn’t take it personally. It’s a difficult thing to navigate, I think. If they stay too close to you, they run the risk of alienating their son and any future partner of his. If they don’t stay in touch, they lose that relationship, which presumably they valued too. If you want to stay in touch with them, why don’t you suggest a meet up? A pub lunch, a coffee out? Maybe something with the kids? Let them see that you’re still keen to keep up with them and see what gives.

Yes- it's quite hurtful to think that all those years of shared history meant nothing to them.

Unfortunately, your primary connection was through your ex which has been broken, so I guess it was never going to be the same.

I’ve been through the same - it hurts! Unfortunately blood is thicker than water :(

It's shit. My H and I were separated for a while. My MIL dropped me like a hot potato, rubbished me to him, blah, blah blah. H and I are now reconciled, forgiving her is much harder, as she dropped her grandsons too.

I agree that they're probably just following your lead. We have this in my family - the person divorced is brilliant and we'd all love to stay in touch but we're nervous about making things awkward for her as she tries to get on with her life.

People sometimes leave us and it hurts and unfortunately, theres nothing much we can do. If they mean so much to you, continue sending them cards, maybe call to ask how they are doing from time to time and do your best to create your own life.

Thanks for all your responses, it’s helping me out this in perspective

I’m sorry you feel you’ve lost loved family members, that must be very hard to deal with.

You think what has happened is related to a personality disorder? That is quite different from social anxiety. It’s not easy to self diagnose. What has made you believe this?

Some years ago my friends in laws did that brutally to their sons ex after HE had an affair with a colleague.

My friend was genuinely appalled and pulled back herself from them.
It completely changed how she viewed them.

She has stayed friends with her ex SIL who moved back home without her ex husband caring.
He married his new partner who doesn't want children.
My friend has a very cool polite relationship with her in laws but sees them only occasionally at family gatherings that she never organises.

She found their behaviourcompletely abhorrent, especially towards the children.
After about 2 years they reached out to their ex DIL but while she was polite, she has a full busy life with her children 3 hours away and made it clear ANY contact would be facilitated by their arse father....he's too busy with his new wife and sees his children very infrequently.

She has recently made it crystal clear to her husband that their caring needs are solely his and his brothers responsibility.

Bottom line was she saw how her SIL was cut off and thought I am not investing time in something that is clearly meaningless to them.

I’ve gone through life thinking everyone thinks I’m strange. I don’t think the same as a lot of people, I have very different values. I have limited friends - i sort of do ok but people don’t take to me. Eg always felt excluded at school pickups and gave up trying, scared to join any groups/hobbies as I feel I’m substandard and unwanted. My kids similar, they don’t have many friends, and struggle with communication, have no confidence. So I enjoy getting away from people in my hobbies. Nothing diagnosable I suspect but it has affected me and upset me all my life.

I think this is why every friend really counts as I will find it really hard to make more

im ok, im adjusting and all the comments from people have really helped. I don’t need to take this so personally and feel “dropped” I need to put it in perspective, it’s fairly normal