Partner of 10 years cheated on me with my 1st cousin

[Healingtrauma]

I can't believe I'm even typing this. But as I feel lower than I've ever felt, I needed an outlet to vent.

I'm 34F, and my ex is 40M. I have been in a 10-year relationship with my child’s father that recently ended a few days ago.

We have a 7-year-old daughter who has autism and global development delay. Our daughter is extremely close with her father (her favourite person) and their bond is very special. He has 3 other children from 3 different women from previous relationships.

He has been cheating throughout our 10-year relationship. But the last straw was when it was revealed that he had cheated on me a few times with my first cousin who is 4 years younger than me in 2021. She has always been envious of me and has even stated that she would spit on my grave. She came on to my ex and he was too weak and selfish to resist. It happened a few times over a 2-month period. The double betrayal is too painful to handle.

There hasn't been any real intimacy or romance in the relationship for years and it is hugely based on codependency. However, I still find it hard to move on! He is such a huge support and it’s so easy having him around.

He has his own flat that he's had years before he met me but he stays at my place. I'm terrified of being a single mother and feel like I'm failing my daughter. I ignored all the red flags because I thought I was in love and thought he loved me too. He still claims to. He came from an extremely difficult background and suffered abuse and neglect. He watched his father be a serial cheater. His relationship with his parents and siblings is strained as they rely on him for basic survival (they live in another country)But I'm starting to accept that I just lack self-love and self-worth. Because if he really cared, he would have gotten the help he needs to change, but he didn't because he's selfish. He’s saying he wants to get help now but it's too late for us. Hoping he does get the help he needs so he can be the father our children NEED!

Cheating with your cousin or anyone is awful. I would be done with them both.

But what do you want to do OP? What do you want from him?

Did he start cheating before the intimacy stopped?

What changes does he need to make to be a better father? It sounds like he is very good with your DC?

If you don’t want a romantic relationship with him wouldn’t it be better to ask him to move to his flat and have a 50:50 childcare arrangement? It sounds like he is not going to accept a sexless life and that’s fair enough isn’t it?

Have you had any counselling?

💐

Thanks for replying and for being so helpful in your response. You're right, I think co-parenting in separate homes would be the best option for us. I just need to accept my new reality now and hope that it doesn't impact DC's progress as we’ve come a long way with her.

My sex drive isn't as high as his. But I think the intimacy died early on after he first cheated.

It’s like his actions make him physically sick but he can't help himself. It’s way out of my hands now and I’ve got to start putting myself first 😢

Unsurprisingly you sound quite low OP.

You are still young and have a whole life ahead of you to find someone who cherishes you. This man isn’t the one. Too much infidelity. No wonder you don’t want sex with him.

How about booking yourself a GP appointment and / or a counselling session tomorrow as a priority task.

You already seem to make good coparents and with 50:50 you both get a break. I think DC would be fine. You could even agree to one evening a week having dinner as a family as long as it all remains amicable.

You could take up an evening class or something just for you too?

💐

I am sorry that you have both of these people in your life - your cousin is a prize isn’t she???

All behaviour is a choice. It never ceases to amaze me that when men lived in a home where the dad cheats on the mum that he continues to do that as an adult- having seen the hurt it causes ( my DH had a dad that cheated - he wouldn’t dream of it) - he has a free will and it’s a choice to cheat

Focus on co parenting, have nothing to do with your cousin - you deserve much much better than this

It never ceases to amaze me either @Restinggoddess that a man who grew up with a cheating parent and sees the pain it brings can go on to do the same to his loved ones.

He really needs to get his act together- 4 children with 4 different women.
No stability His needs appear paramount.

Similarly some people who have been abused go on to abuse others. 🥲
🤷‍♀️

I think you definitely to live separately, otherwise you will keep ping ponging back.

Your post makes him out to be the victim of your cousin being a manipulative temptress. He wasn’t. He is an adult, he could have said no or set appropriate boundaries, he chose not to.

And I know people and relationships are complex but it is within his gift to take accountability and change his behaviours.

The relationship sounds irreversibly damaged, I know you’re hurting but it’s best to try and move on otherwise this cycle will continue.

3 previous kids with three different women… in a (maximum) of 14 years… but you thought he’d behave differently with you? What would he have had to do to make you see the red flags?

Bet this prince told the other three (and at least some of his affair partners) that he would get help to change too. AND I bet the whole “woe is me, my Dad cheated so I can’t help it” line is a well-rehearsed one too.

Kick the lying sack of shit out of the house.

He’s an utter dog and you should be glad you’re rid of him.

Your cousin is a prize tit too, imagine running after a man who has 4 kids by 4 different women and thinking it’s a prize.

He had 3 children with three different women before you had yours. I realise this sounds nasty but you made your bed and now you have to lie in it. Try to get all of the support you can to be a single parent. What a mess

I can completely relate to this thread, I was with my ex for 10 years and he had two affairs that I know about, but probably more.
The most recent one made me wake up and realise he would never change and I was only with him for the lifestyle and support with my autistic DC. He’s been gone six months now and I am so much happier, yes there are difficult days but me and my children are happy. I no longer feel like I’m not good enough and my children have adapted so well.

It doesn’t sound like he is remorseful and will blame his childhood for his actions, but he is choosing to have affairs. You need to put yourself first, you have so much of your life ahead of you and deserve so much more. It may feel impossible right now but you can do this. Take it hour by hour, then day by day and eventually you will feel like you’re living again.

Thank you! Your words and advice haven't gone unnoticed. You're right!

We have decided to just remain friends and co-parent. Better for everyone involved. I’ll be focusing on pouring into myself and being the best mother I can be.