What would you do if you found a video containing porn material at the bottom of your dp's wardrobe

[ghostfreak]

Okay I was looking for the blood pressure monitor that I know he keeps in his wardrobe. I had problems finding it and ended up tossing alot of things to one side, and thats when I came across the video.
It was in a plain sleeve and didn,t have a title on it.
I was very curious and decided to play it to see what was on there.
What I saw was truly disgusting, very graphic.
I felt this wave of unsettlement come over me and I was thinking I don,t really know my dp after all of these years.
I felt sick at the thought of him coming home that day.
Anyway I decided to ask him about it and he very calmly told me that someone at work handed it to him as a joke at work and told him to check it out.
He says he didn,t even know what was on there as he hadn,t even looked at it.
This has really unsettled me I have been with him for 20 years and we have one ds.
Our relationship has always been okay.
But now I am thinking is he secretly addicted to porn and what else has he been hiding.

One tape showing normal adult-adult sex really doesn't make an addiction. Forget it. You're in danger of making it into a mountain, and it really isn't worth it.

Absolutely no big deal....i think in relationships you need to know when to pick your fights. Your response says more about your own feelings towards pornography. That's fine, your feelings are valid but he isn't guilty of anything here- he hasn't got a huge porn stash featuring illegal activity. On the grand scale of things, one video is nothing. Open your mind a bit and try to see the funny side. Maybe you never saw 'this side to him' before (being turned on by watching people having sex is a very human and normal response) but now that you have, you must try to accept it and have a balanced view of him. Be kind- he sounds like a good man. x

This really doesn;t sound like it's worth making a fuss about, especially as the content of the video is just adults having sex, we're not talking torture stuff or kiddie porn or anything really frightening. Lots of women happily watch this kind of porn either with their partners or alone.
Is your sex life with your partner OK (you don;t need to answer this online, obviously). Are you sure it's OK from his point of view? Because, if for whatever reason, a couple's sex life is minimal, some men think it's better to watch a bit of porn and satisfy themselves instead of pestering a reluctant wife for sex.

It is of course entirely possible that your DH is telling the truth, someone gave him the video, he shoved it in the wardrobe without watching it and forgot all about it. If you have no other grounds for complaint, then let it be or you will make trouble in your marriage.

Don't think he's hiding it, particularly. Or do you think the blood pressure monitor was also 'hidden'?

Do you think the video might be responsible for his blood pressure problems?

I would definitely just shrug it off if you can. At best he's telling the truth and it was given to him for a laugh, at worst he has ONE porn video of men and women having sex (in porn terms it sounds very vanilla and basic, they're all graphic, there isn't really much subtle romantic porn out there aimed at men!) which tells you he likes women and has a natural healthy visually-stimulated sex drive, as most men do.

It does NOT mean there's anything he's missing from you, that you've done anything wrong, or that he's done anything bad, and it definitely doesn't soubd like an addiction. Now if he was constantly closing screens on the computer, if your matress was lumpy with copies of "Massive Jugs" and preferred late night adult tv to coming to bed I'd say he had a problem! I would just put it out of your mind as best you can.

ghostfreak,you have really got my sympathy, i have found porn all over the place in our home. my dh never knows what's on it/downloaded it by mistake/a friend at work gave it to him for a laugh/. when these lies no longer work, he has even said i am imagining seeing it ridiculous.

i never used to be bothered by porn per se: i imagine you are more bothered by the realisation that he has lied/hidden a side of himself. but if it's taken 20 yrs then maybe it is a new one-off?

as others have said, if it's just one video of straight sex, maybe that's ok, if you can live with it: but you deserve him to at least admit that he's watched it or whatever, instead of lying and pretending he's never seen it etc.

I would almost guarantee he has looked at it. There would be no reason at all for him to put it in the wardrobe. Having said that - if I discovered a tape of porn in my BF's wardrobe I would think 'oh - I wonder why he doesn't watch his DVDs anymore'.

I have no problem with soft porn so long as it's not harming anyone.

Wow, well done everyone on not making this another "Is porn evil?" thread!

Unless I'm entirely wrong, it sounds to me like (a) the OP really hates porn of any sort and (b) is as much (if not more) upset by the fact her DH lied about it as anything else. My guess is that the two are pretty much linked. If he knows that she absolutely hates it and would be appalled that if even had one (pretty standard) porn video, then, even if he is largely innocent (e.g. watched it once but forgot to get rid of properly) then he'd probably lie to save his skin. Not to condone lying, of course, but just to say that there might have been a reason.

What I would say to the OP, is that clearly he isn't into porn at all if all he has is one video. I mean, you could probably Google more, stronger stuff on the net in ten minutes than you could see in a dozen old VHS tapes!

I don't think anyone is entirely honest to their partner so a wee fib about a porn film is hardly the lie of the century...expecting anyone to come clean about whatever might turn them on for 10 minutes every other week or whatever is a bit much. Having fantasies and keeping them to yourself should be respected...as long as everything is ok between two people in the relationship, the nature of the porn is legal/not too scary and it's not out of control (I'd be concerned if he had NO porn frankly), then you have a very normal and healthy relationship and ALOT to be thankful for.

I would have just given the tape a little snip with the sissors and put it back where i found it and never mentioned it

I understand that you are upset about this, but I really do feel you are worrying too much. It was only straight, heterosexual sex, so no fetishes or anything. I can tell you with absolute certainty, that ALL "normal" porn is like this, so please do not see the graphic content as something strange.

The majority of men (and many women) have looked at porn at some point in their lives and this is very normal. Alot of men like to look at porn regularly (and they are not addicted to it) and this is completely normal too. Please don't feel your husband is a social misfit, or pathetic, that is a very unfair attitude to take. If you are worried about him hiding it from you (although he probably knew how you would react), then talk to him and tell him that you are disappointed he couldn't tell you about it. Then move on and forget about it, it really shouldn't affect the way you feel about him. Good luck.

Have you ever bought a guilty cream cake and hid it from your husband, or a new top you know you couldn't afford? He's hiding it because he knows you wouldn't approve, but that doesn't make him a pervert. Sex is natural and exciting. I think by the way you say 'doing it', it seems that you are a bit more inhibited about sex, so he hid the tape to protect your feelings. He is totally, totally like almost every other man in the world. So rather than a social misfit, he's actually your average Joe.

Hi Ghostfreak - I used to be concerned about guys having porn but no longer.... I am far from a fan but have conceded its the way guys are - i think back to every guy I have known and they all have it.......

I only have a few rules with hubby - I find it upsetting if he watched it alone (without me) I dont particularly want to watch it as it does nothing for me BUT now rather than being completely anti as I once was I will sit there and criticise or tell hubby if a girl is pretty....... Any porn dvd's must be stored at the very back of our walk in robes on our top shelf which is nearly ceiling height....... (and its all "normal" porn - thank god - i would be concerned majorly if it wasnt!!!)

It's easier and it makes me feel better - he abides by my rule and it no longer need be anyone's dirty secret..... rather than fight it I think it's better to go along with one little thing hubby may enjoy.... JMO

ghostfreak, I actually had to read your post twice to find out why you're so disgusted with your husband.

As the others said, it's pretty normal for guys to look at porn in some sort of form as they're visual people (we girls have a better imagination then men)

As long as your sex life doesn't suffer and he doesn't prefer to watch porn rather than fiddle with you, I guess there's no reason to say it's an addiction. Also, the video you found features sex between hetero couples (pretty normal, no?) and doesn't exactly contain sex scenes with children, animals or mutilation acts.

I think you should examine the relationship with your own body and the way you feel about nudity, sexuality and graphic display of organs we all have. It seems like you are quite squeamish about something considered natural (penetration and various ways of feeling sexual arousal) as well as the men and women are built (penis, foreskin, vagina, anus). If you're flinching now, I'd try asking yourself why you are disgusted with something so natural.

I agree it doesn't feel nice to find out that your dp has hidden this video from you, but given your attitude to sex I can totally understand why. Don't give him a bollocking, ask him what he likes about it and learn something new.

Littlewoman, you've described it really well. There's nothing to be worried about ghostfreak.

Very good post Littlewoman.

@ Shakeysgirl: is that how you treat other people's property??? What if the tape does belong to a colleague? Imagine your best friend lent you a book and just because your dh or dp doesn't like it he'd rip a page out. What behaviour is that? We're not in kindergarden...

id bin it i think

id bin it i think

Message withdrawn

I thank you girls. I feel all puffed up now
Agree with c'estlavie too.
Hope you are feeling a little more at easy, ghostfreak?