How to deal with a family member with a personality disorder?

[Haveyoueverdone]

I’m not trying to be awkward or rude about my MIL but she definitely in my opinion has a personality disorder. How do I deal with a relationship with her. Do you literally just turn up and pretend you don’t know?

She has tried to control me and my partner, has abandoned issues and her other son and family is the golden child. She is what I would say spiteful and totally dismissive of me. She can’t great me, she can’t even look at me. I can’t really go no contact but how do you navigate time in her company? The dad constantly tries to pit us against the other son. He’s always asking me if I’m jealous. No I’m not and not sure why I should be. The other son runs every decision past them and that’s not the life I want. He loves the attention and I don’t really care about attention.

Have firm boundaries, limit the time you spend with her and let your DH drive the relationship or not. Look up grey rock method for coping with unavoidable contact. Not caring very much is a powerful thing.

I think it's important sometimes to realise that the relationship may never be OK, cetainly not good and it is important to protect yourself (and your children)

No the relationship is definitely not good at all. Looks ok on the outside and when I met him it looked good but it’s bloody odd.

Visit for short amounts of time. Don't let them visit you as you can't control when they leave. Be polite and don't challenge her as it may be triggering. Leave when it becomes uncomfortable. Explain to the children that she's not well and can't help it. Ignore the dad, smile and nod.

@cupcaske123 don’t challenge her??? So do I just nod and agree regardless? I think I challenge her by simply being alive. They don’t visit, they live practically 10 mins away but never come. She has mentioned to my partner she’d like us to come over as it’s been months. I just stopped going as she is inhospitable to me. I’ve been wondering how long it’d be before they actually make a trip to us.

Why are you challenging someone with a personality disorder? How is challenging her and potentially winding her up, going to help matters? She can't help her behaviour as it's part of her personality, challenging her will only make matters worse.

If she's that unbearable then make excuses and don't see them.

I don’t intentionally challenge her. For example she will say take that off your child it looks stupid, or tell me to change my babies nappy when their son starts to do it. She will challenge anything I ever say. Eg we are really wanting to go away soon, well you don’t need to. Then go on to say there other son really deserves a holiday.

I don’t really ever want to open mum mouth. She has just got this notion I’m not controllable so I’m of no use and she won’t bother with me, that now includes partner and our kids.

If I really have to see difficult people, then I don't stay long, am polite and ignore their ridiculous remarks.

Don’t tell her anything then she can’t challenge, grey rock her. Or just don’t visit, or do one visit in four or something. If criticism challenging is how she gets her energy then deprive her of the source.

@TorroFerney she seems to get energy from letting me know that she doesn’t see me. She won’t even acknowledge when I’ve walked in the door.

Maybe your husband can take the kids to see her? Do you need to go?