Need advice

[Sebwex]

Hi. After 20 years of happy marriage we have a problem . My wife had some mental breakdown after 40th birthday. She felt neglected , unloved etc. there is a 55 year old man grooming her because she is vulnerable and she allowed for his affection. They have connection and had 2 meetings and a kiss. I know about everything and my kids . We had many conversations over last week . She knows she have to brake any intentional contact with him . He knows that I know . I promised her I wouldn't seek revenge or any immature kind of action . He agreed to brake contact between them and respected that . I know I can't be pushy , clingy or needy now. I'm super hurt and angry. We always had strong relationships and we both know what we have done wrong . She promised she do everything to fix herself from this mindset , but she don't know exactly what she feels. She don't fell like herself. I give her ant time she need but how I supposed to act . As a man ? Take care of myself ? Show her some affection? I need to hug her every time I see her, tell her I love her but I'm sure I can't do that . How to act around him. Meetings are unavoidable. We connected thru my older daughters horse riding . I want to rip his head off and I'm so angry with her . I want to show him by my body language that he need to be careful. Should I proceed with my masculine nature or act like he doesn't exist ?

hi Op so sorry you are going through this.
I think you should speak to a therapist and take care of yourself. If she wants to be with him she will be. Her mental health and her feelings are her responsibility. Why are you willing to bend backwards after she has broken your trust?? Shouldn't she be the one making an effort?

I understand your anger but that man didn't betray you- your wife did, If it was me I would avoid seeing him get someone else to take daughter horse riding and if meeting is inevitable I would actually act polite and indifferent. Say hello and walk away.

Hi, we went through something similar and my husband is from up north where men keep their feelings hidden but he overcame them because his self consciousness was less important than our future and shows all the affection we both need. We have been married for over 50 years.
When our children grow up we tend to look at the years gone by and with it our youth, looks, we may be fatter, we don’t see our future and we can’t see the woods for the trees.
Please don’t give your wife ultimatums, it will push her further away. It sounds like she is going through a midlife crisis, so full of self doubt.
Relate counsellors may be able to help you both sort this out one way or another and at least you would know what it is that's missing for both of you.
This man sees how needy she is feeling and she finds his attention inviting. You could give her the attention she craves to get over this step but will need the help of someone like Relate.

You are making an excuse for your wife by saying he groomed her. She was an active participant. I know we all like to think our partners were led astray and blame the other person but you need to look at this for the reality that it is. She chose to do this.

OP you need to tell your wife to knock it off. If she's fragile then take her to the GP and encourage her to get therapy. There's no excuse to have an affair in front of you. If she refuses to stop seeing him, then you either accept you're in an open marriage or you leave.

Thank you all. She agreed to break contact with him . I'll be polite towards this man and I'll be bigger man . Her mum said the same thing about middle life crisis . Thank you again

Hi . My wife ask me to find her therapist. That's a good sign but I just don't trust her . I know I need time , but yesterday I asked if she's regretting what she have done , and her reply was "I regret I caused you pain " . She keep saying she have Mush in the head , she don't know what she feels and bla bla bla . But ... I love her so much and we have 14 and 16 tears old girls so I really want to help her go through whatever she going through. I trusted her for over 19 years of marriage. In exactly one month will be 20th anniversary of our first sex . I'm hurt , really hurt and confused more and more every day . I miss my wife