Just fucking hopeless

[davegrohll]

I don’t know wtf is going on with my marriage anymore.
Husband has always had mood swings as I put them, but they seem so much more lately. He is stressed running his own company, yes that’s fair, but fuck sake I am stressed looking after 2 kinds under two, an older child with asd and adhd who hasn’t been in school since September. Trying to run a house which I find incredibly different when I have the kids all day. He seems to think we’re all having a fucking yea party at home all day. I feel like I’m drowning, the constant rain doesn’t help as I can’t even get the fucking washing dry!!

I just want to run away and scream leave me alone to everyone. I have post natal depression, again. I also have a dependency on prescription codeine due to ongoing chronic back issues. This hasn’t helped my mental health in the last few months, instrusive thoughts that my baby is going to die. My medication stopped working basically as soon as I had my youngest. I realised I was self medicating with the codeine. I’ve recently been switched to a different antidepressant and I’m feeling better, the intrusive thoughts have stopped.

My husband has his own issues which he will not address. He I think has undiagnosed adhd, this explains so much of what he’s like. The short temper, losing everything, struggling to organise and motivate himself. The half finished diy all around the house. I just can’t cope. He comes home every night and just moans. He’s stressed out and says as soon as he walks in the door he just feels extremely stressed and on edge.
I’ve said that makes me feel terrible, as I really look forward to him coming home.
He can’t cope with the kids on his own, says we should parent them together , which means I have to say is it okay now if I have a shower/bath once the kids are all Settled down and he doesn’t have to do anything. He asked why it all kicks off at home when he comes in. It’s teatime and then time to settle down for bed surely it’s the same on anyone’s house? He asked me why I can’t get the kids all ready for bed before he gets in.
So last night we have a pretty frank discussion, I’ve acknowledged my mental health has affected him and taken it on board, I’ve also had to remind him I’ve had two babies in less than two years, already have diagnosed anxiety and ocd and pregnancy is a major trigger for these.
He’s admitted he needs something to motivate him, but to also calm his head down at the same time. He’s dead against antidepressants, I’ve convinced him to just give them a try as my reasoning is. If you feel happier then you might have more energy, more get up and go. He agreed. This morning he’s said no he’s not willing to try it, and that’s that.
At this point the bin men come (his one job on this house is to take the bins out) yet again he’s forgot to do it. He has absolutely fucking flipped at me. Said why the fuck can’t I do it etc etc I could take them out for him. I’m sorry, but I do enough round the house. I do EVERYTHING. But because I don’t work then that’s my job isn’t it ! I don’t ever moan about housework, I don’t expect him to do any but I do want him to just take the bins out for me !! He can’t do it !!

Sorry major rant but I need to get this all off my chest. We’ve been together 11 years and married for 2. Since youngest was born our marriage feels doomed and I’m devastated.

He's just come downstairs now to go to work and I've asked him what the issue is and he's said it's me, I'm the cause of his problems, I cause an atmosphere when he walks in the house apparently. He also said I need to start taking care of this house better, nappies on the side in the nappy bags that need to go in the outside bin, it's not his job. Recycling on the side, I should be removing that. Nor doing clothes washing when he comes in from work and rushing around doing stuff.
Literally I just said look I want you to be happy, and if you're not if you really think I'm the problem then you need to leave. That's when he said I need to look after the house properly. Anyone would think we live in a shithole. I'm so upset, I don't see how someone can be so cruel, it's like
He is blind and doesn't see how his mood his affecting the whole house

When he comes in I've either fed the kids or feeding them, preparing our tea, washing and sterilising bottles, having washing on the airers/putting it away, tidying up etc
I'm literally doing a 100 tasks at once while he sits on the sofa moping and moaning about how tired he is

Hi,
I am sorry you are going through this. Men don't realize how much work it takes to run a hosehold. He is ungrateful and does not recognize your efforts. Stress is everywhere, and he needs to find a way to deal with it. Instead of moaning, he might find pleasure in helping you with tasks around the house. Something different to what he is doing all day. Or he is just a dick. IDK.

At the moment. I think he's just a dick. How dare he say that to me knowing how unwell I've been, I'm trying my hardest

Hes more than just a dick; he is abusive. He may or may well not have ADHD either; you could be wrong there in thinking that re him. And even if he was its still no excuse for how you are being treated.

You will continue to feel like this as long as you remain in this marriage. Its over really because of his abuse towards you and in turn your children. There is NO justification or excuse acceptable for his ill treatment of you.

Given your MH and physical health issues, why have 2 babies in 2 years? You mention it almost as if they magically appeared and its got nothing to do with you. Your mindset is reactive, all these things are stuff that's just happened to you, rather than you always having control of it. You both have actually created these lives.
Things are not great if it's got to having dirty nappies around the house. You are not coping and need help. Reach out to family and friends. Does your HV know of your difficulties? It's not just drugs you need, but actual physical help and it doesn't look like your DH is in a place where he can offer that. Look into what children's services are available locally.

If you can, pack yourself a bag and when he comes in from work tell him since you’re the cause of all his problems and unhappiness you’re going away for a few days to give him a break. Then go and stay with family/friends/hotel for a couple of days and leave him to take care of the house and the kids alone. Don’t contact him when you’re away. Let him see how hard it is to look after the children and run a household at the same time when you’re tired and sleep deprived. Preferably do this the day the bins have to go out so he has to do that too. Maybe he needs a wake up call. Let him see what life will be like looking after the kids on his own because if things keep going the way they are, he’ll have to be alone with the kids on a weekly basis, I’d imagine on his days off from work and maybe some evenings after work too. There will be no time for sitting on the coach, moaning and having everything done for you domestically then.

ADHD or not (I have it) there is now excuse to treat you like a piece of crap.

Sit him down and say we have to work together or we go our separate ways.

You tell him what you will do regards to your own mental health and ask him what he is going to do about his. Nothing is not an answer you're prepared to take tell him.

If he forgets things, he can use his mobile phone calendar with several reminders to do his jobs. He can set it so it will come up when he is due to do it. That's what I do.

Executive dysfunction is not easy but you don't know for sure he even has it. But people have got to be accountable for themselves as much as they can.

When I say nappies around the house. I don't mean shit filled nappies just laying on the floor/sides, there is like 4/5 bagged up ready to go out to the bin. Same with recycling it tends to get put into one corner and then taken out at once. This is his fucking Job, I do everything else, everything!!
I can't physically do no more. I'm tired. I'm trying my hardest here to be a good parent and wife

The kids were a miracle. After my first I was infertile for years. I had ivf and miscarried then all of a sudden my body started working again. They are my angels literally

@TipsyJoker if they split, what makes you think he will have the kids every weekend - or at all? No one can compel someone to parent.

OP, you sound as if you are really struggling. I agree that you need to reach out to your health visitor, family and possibly social services if you are addicted to codeine and have 3 children, 2 under 2.

I’m not sure what you can do about your DH - he doesn’t want to change so you have to change your own life, however you think you can manage best.

Oh sweet, I don’t have much advice to offer other than I hear you. I fully hear you. I have 2 children on my own as it didn’t work out with my partner. After my second child I also developed a very, very heavy codeine addiction. It’s so difficult. The only thing I can tell you from my view, is that after I split with my partner, life just got a whole lot easier. I didn’t realise the pressure I was under to keep the house tidy, have dinner ready for when he walked in from work, his endless washing and me cleaning up after him. It was like a fog lifted. I got help with my codeine addiction and I’m a few years down the line now. Life is so so much brighter and happier. Me and the kids are in the best place we’ve ever been. Don’t stand for anything less than you know you deserve. 💕

You can reduce the number of kids you care for from three to two by filing for divorce.

Sorry off topic slightly but why does absolutely everyone have to be diagnosed with ADHD or Autism these days?!?! I'm sure we all have elements of these in our personalities but so bloody what?!

And yes, I'm aware I'll face an absolute backlash for this but seriously it drives me mad. Seems to be a "get out of jail" card for absolutely any and all behaviour these days.

Your DH wants a life straight out of the 50s, he works then comes home to his dinner, a perfect clean house and his DC all fed, washed and ready for bed. He is stressed and may be ND but that doesn't mean he gets to do nothing at home, nor is it fair for him to take his stress out on you. Time for a serious talk Op about how your marriage is in danger

I have tried so many times. Deep down I think he doesn't want it to end but I think you're spot on about the 50's wife. That's how his mum did it etc.
He is generous and does look after us, it's the mood swings and grumpiness I can't cope with !!