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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This is a bad idea, isn't it? Trigger warning - miscarriage

7 replies

Thyroidthings · 10/07/2024 08:51

I've woken up with my ex in my head and not sure if I am here to be talked out of, or into doing what I woke up thinking. I, as my username suggests, recently found out I have issues with my thyroid. I can see now where I have had flares in my life over the last decade, with panic attacks and mood swings and confusion at both, usually triggered by stressful events.

I was in a relationship a few years ago where I was pregnant during lockdown. I began bleeding one day and it wouldn't stop. No one at the hospital could understand it as I was 12 weeks pregnant and they could tell via blood tests but they couldn't see the baby in the womb and thought I was having an eptopic pregnancy. I ended up having to have a "cyst" removed from my fallopean tube, which the surgeon amazingly managed to keep, but it likely took the baby with it. Bleeding stopped. I had pain from a cyst there going back years but had been told it was .1mm too small to be removed, so there was a lot of emotion at the time. I was trying to be weirdly stoic about it all but the nurses had a brief chat that my hormone levels would now normalise (they were sky high) gradually over the next few weeks. What I didn't even consider at the time was that this was caused by my undiagnosed hyperthyroidism. Now I know that it likely caused this and the mental blow out with mood swings and confusion and panic attacks that followed. I was put on anti anxiety meds without a face to face appointment but they didn't do anything so I stopped. The relationship broke down within months of the miscarriage probably in part because of my behaviour - he did the typical withdrawing and finding someone else, stonewalled until I broke it off because I needed support and he just retreated.

I've woken up this morning just wanting to tell him. Maybe an email? I don't know, am I right feeling he should know why it all happened or is this best left to myself to deal with/get over? Would I just come across as a crazy or would it be helpful for him to know it was a medical cause?

OP posts:
Zonder · 10/07/2024 08:53

What would anyone gain? If you feel you need to write it all down then do so but I wouldn't send it.

PickledMumion · 10/07/2024 09:01

Don't do it. I understand why you want some level of exoneration, but look at it from his point of view - what does he have to gain from knowing this information? It doesn't even sound like a "moving forwards apology", because you're precisely NOT apologising!

shellyleppard · 10/07/2024 09:05

Write the letter/email but don't send it. You might feel better writing down your feelings X have they sorted out the overactive thyroid problems?? Sending hugs 🫂 💐 🙏

Thyroidthings · 10/07/2024 09:10

You're probably right and he doesn't ever think of it and what might have happened or why it did.

At the least I thought it might help him see why my hormones were so off whack - but if he had cared then he would have been more supportive at the time. It's probably exoneration I want, but his ex before me was bipolar and he didn't give her any passes for not knowing and being unmedicated, so it wouldn't have made a difference.

It's slow going with the thyroid issues. It took a month to get medication after the blood test and the symptoms are still very debilitating a month in (very low dose of carbimazole) but no sign of an endochrinologist seeing me in the next few months. Neck keeps swelling up and the neuro and fatigue side is pretty horrible to be honest. I've not even seen the GP face to face and no one seems to be able to explain the condition or what I can do to help it. At least I know what it is now though (thought I was getting dementia and was worrying I had ADHD and EUPD for ages!).

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 10/07/2024 09:14

@Thyroidthings the endocrinology doctor should help immensely. Can you ask your GP for a referral?? They should have done one by now. Please DM if you have any questions, I've been living with thyroid issues for many years. Hugs x

Thyroidthings · 10/07/2024 09:17

I would love to pick your brains! The endo have cancelled my referral on my app but when I asked one of the many GP's who has called he said it would be "ballsy of them" to have just cancelled it and it was likely to make their waiting lists look better and not an actual cancellation. He did say no point going private as they are all overstretched and waiting list could be 2 or 3 months. Trying to remember everything going on for that long is proving to be difficult!

OP posts:
Thyroidthings · 10/07/2024 12:06

Thank you all. The feeling I needed to tell him has passed. I think I am just going through a whirlwind of figuring out how to get help and what it affects/has affected being untreated for so long. I'm confusing that with some wishful thinking about my past and "what-ifs" that aren't realistic because it wasn't this alone that made that relationship not work. Thanks for talking me out of the email!

OP posts:
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