Husband unfaithful - 2.0

[anonamum123]

Hi, I wrote a post about my husband recently, suggestively texting an employee of ours.. titled ‘husband unfaithful’ for reference.

since then things have been rocky but he’s been in the house. I’m seeing a counsellor to unpack my emotions.. and he is also. He’s very much suggesting he wants to move forward, and doesn’t want to lose what we have.. However, he went out for the first time tonight, which would never have been an issue.. but he came home 1.5 hours later than expected so my immediate thought was that he’s not trying for us. He’s saying he wants us but not really showing much.. so this felt like he should have come home when he said, to be with me. Anyway, I got paranoid, checked his phone while he was asleep and he’s sent a message to his mum two weeks ago, who is the only person he has told about this truthfully, and said that he ‘can’t shift the feeling of missing the girl he was texting’. Him and his mum have also been trying to manipulate me in to going on holiday, and his mum has not been so kind about me and my reactions to this situation! I’m angry. Although to my face she’s been super supportive. We got along really well and although I understand her support for her son, I feel like it’s a bit of a betrayal. We’re meant to be going on said holiday with friends next week, and I’ve said I’m uncertain, so they’ve been trying to convince me to go, suggesting over message to eachother that I'm not acting in the kids best interest if I don’t go.

I confronted him, he’s suggesting I’m a psycho, even tho yesterday he tried to go through my phone… so there’s obviously a huge trust issue between us. Am I crazy? 😢

Just end it. Your husband is dishonest and calls you “psycho.” Why put up with this. No man is worth this crap.

I looked up your other thread OP - I remembered it when I read it.

Your DH had history for inappropriate behaviour and now he is not acting in a way to suggest he is serious about trying to regain your trust.

And he is not being honest about his feelings.

I honestly think he will never change. He will never be trustworthy. I think you would be better off without him.

At the point where you are checking his phone and going mad when he's 1.5 later than 'expected', your relationship is already over. Just leave, OP.

Just looked at your other thread.
So only around a month ago you found out he'd been suggestively texting a girl 20 years younger than him, giving her lifts and having drinks with her in the car....and then 2 weeks ago he messages his mum to say he misses the girl, he's bitching about his mum to you and letting her bitch about you, he also went out for the first time since you found out and came home late and then he has the absolute cheek on top of that to call you a psycho, even though he wanted to go through your phone too.

He's an absolute pig and you deserve so much better.

Your stomach must be in knots. This is so horrible. Honestly you have to face up to the facts now this can't be fixed. His actions are not of a man trying to fix his broken marriage. He should t even be going out he should be making you feel secure. As for his mum ! What a cow. I wouldn't ever trust the pair of them again. Just vile. Kick him out let his mum have him. Do whatever you can to build a good life for you and your kids. Take care of yourself so sorry this is happening to you 💐

We got along really well and although I understand her support for her son, I feel like it’s a bit of a betrayal

I don't understand it myself.
He's told his mum that he still misses the girl and the mum is being unkind about you because of your reactions?

A decent person (and mother) would be telling him to get a grip and that HE caused these feelings in you and should be man enough to accept the consequences.

You're not acting in the kids best interests if you don't go on holiday? Was HE acting in the kids best interests when he started chasing the girl at work? Is he acting in the kids best interests now when he calls their mother a psycho? Is your MIL acting in the kids best interests by saying unkind things about their mother when you haven't done anything wrong.

They're both assholes, it's definitely a betrayal.

It’s simple when reconciling ACTIONS over words EVERYTIME!

Without fail.

His actions are clear. He remains an unsafe partner for you, seems pointless to try again when he’s clearly unremorseful.

@anonamum123, on your first thread I commented that your H didn’t seem remorseful. He wasn’t reassuring you that he loves you, and he said he ‘needed time to figure this out.’ This from the man who was cheating with your employee, telling her she was so hot and that he couldn’t stop thinking about her, plus having drinking dates in his car.

You are in a false reconciliation. H has admitted to his mother that he is pining for OW, and he is once again treating you with contempt and calling you crazy. He is unsettling you by being late, and is in cahoots with his mum to manipulate you about the holiday.

Honestly, @anonamum123, it would be game over for me. H has blown his 3rd chance and that speaks volumes.

Hi OP, I could not find your previous thread because I’m still quite new to mumsnet
sorry you find yourself in this situation, it’s reaaalllly shit

it is good you’re both in therapy, but then there is the other stuff in your post that is not great
There is something called ‘affair fog’ where the cheating partner for a while is all wistful about the affair partner, they might not be able to fully decide to stay because they are still processing feelings for the AP. It’s bound up in feelings of fantasy and limerence

its good he can be honest with his mum, obviously don’t know their history as mother and son but depending on their relationship I am not surprised she’s been critical of you. It’s horrible to hear but she’s his mum and perhaps he can do no wrong.

I would say you need to impart some boundaries. Making clear what happens if they are broken. You can choose what the boundaries and consequences are.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/boundaries-and-consequences-101/

you can discuss the boundaries with your therapist who might have some helpful suggestions for how manage how you deal with the consequences too
best x

@anonamum123 with reference to your original thread, if it helps at all, I can tell you my experience of a situation very similar to yours. A friend told me that he had seen someone he and I both know out with one of his young female employees. The context was running but my friend said that the woman wasn't running, nor was dressed for running.
Like your situation, this man is married, and runs a family restaurant. My friend didn't say too much, but what he did say implied that this was something this man has done more than once, that there had been more than one waitress on whom he had made a move.
I immediately thought that this is more than a mid-life crisis. This is an example of feelings of entitlement on the part of this man. That he is running a successful business, gets to a certain age, and feels entitled to pursue much younger women behind his wife's back.
On a different point, regarding your MiL, don't be surprised if she supports her son. A lot of woman would do this automatically, even if she cares for you, she will always choose her son over you. Do not take it personally but know that she is not your friend.

I would not go on any holiday to smooth it over ,it's over and now its time for you to get away from this narc type man and his flying monkey mum as they will gang up on you.Your too good for them ,keep it classy and get your new future sorted out,I wish you well.

It's over. It doesn't matter what he's been saying to his mum about you, you can guarantee that a man who is treating you like this under your nose isn't being respectful behind your back, to anyone.

Don't go on the holiday, tell your DH that you he is welcome to take the children away with his mother, and you will not be joining them. You will be taking some time to work out what you would like to do going forward.

You need to block your ears to his mother definitely, and to what he says, to a certain extent. Don't be manipulated any further, because if anything is going to be not in the DC best interests it's that.

Spend the week while they are away doing the admin you need to do to leave him. It's over.

You. ARE. Better. Than. This! And repeat over and over and over.
Don’t settle for this. You can’t change his behaviour, you can only do you.

What do YOU want OP?

hi OP I'm so so sorry, this is really awful,
Don't let him gaslight you
your feelings are valid
and if he is feeling like he is missing out its over

Sounds horrible. Don't go on the holiday and use the time to recover and think about what you want.

Personally I would end it. Sounds like he has detached from you and is just bullshitting you.

Thanks for the advice. I’m seeking therapy to understand why I can’t let the marriage go, given the continuous disrespect. Husband is now upset I read his messages between him and his mum, I understand, but my paranoia got the better of me. He says I keep digging to find information, that I need to put this away, continue with life and let him make this up to me. I can’t help but think it’s all image related, he loves to present as a family man with the ‘perfect’ life. I genuinely thought we had a perfect life, lulls here and there of course, but I always thought we’d work through a lull with communication and support for eachother. I felt like the best version of me with him, he enhanced me and we drove eachother to work hard and always strive for for more…while giving our kids a loving home. I can’t support this. He doesn’t feel safe anymore.

does anyone know how to gain clarity, to get out of this fog that I’m in? I’m so scared to leave, to be without him, for so many reasons and what ifs.. but I can’t commit to trying again. I’m completely stuck.

It's not paranoia. It was your gut instinct that he's not being truthful, and it was shown to be right.

He shouldn't have been bitching about you to this mum and she shouldn't have been bitching back. They're the ones in the wrong!!

It's all very fresh so don't be too hard on yourself, unfortunately you might not gain clarity or get out of the fog for a while, it's just part of the process. How are you finding therapy so far? Do you click with your therapist?

Thank you 🧡. I’ve never had a therapist before, and I’ve only had two sessions but I certainly felt a better connection in my second session. She’s very understanding and said we need to explore attachment issues.. My mum and my sister both have a serious alcohol issues and are very much ‘victims’ in their story, which I am keen to avoid. I thought of him like my Prince Charming, and had put the past away a long time ago. But the volume of emotion this has brought back feels huge, it’s brought up the past two infidelities, which were sexual, and obviously with this emotional affair, it feels like he may have been false all along.

he keeps reiterating that he’s made a mistake, he’s getting help from a psychiatrist, he’s admitted that he’s selfish and arrogant and that he wants our family back on track. It’s not that simple for me.

does anyone know how to gain clarity, to get out of this fog that I’m in? I’m so scared to leave, to be without him, for so many reasons and what ifs.. but I can’t commit to trying again. I’m completely stuck.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. For starters, I would suggest definitely not going on that holiday. You need space to think, without them in your ear.

Ignore the guilt tripping, they don't genuinely want you there or worry about the kids, they're just worried about how it all looks and how to explain it to the friends. Plus they probably expect you to take care of the grunt work so they can relax.

“does anyone know how to gain clarity, to get out of this fog that I’m in? I’m so scared to leave, to be without him, for so many reasons and what ifs.. but I can’t commit to trying again. I’m completely stuck”

the therapy will help OP
i also think you need to take the pressure off yourself to decided right now if you stay or leave. I can understand you want clarity but it’s early days for you.

how I framed things to myself and my partner (he was upset, but I didn’t care) was
”I’m staying, for now” because that was the most I could say for himself and me
he realised that was the best he was going to get. That in my healing, I might realise I wanted to leave.
he continued to put the work in to reconcile so that in time, the “for now” became less pertinent

What mattered to him wasn’t the end goal of ‘we are reconciled = happy’ but more ‘what am I doing each day to try to improve myself and our relationship and heal my partner’

i hope that makes sense and I hope the therapy is helpful for you x

Going forward whatever you decide his dm isn't your friend....
He certainly doesn't get to decide you are staying together..

I think the Mum thing is a red herring. She is caught in the middle, and isn't the root of your issues, so I would not get too worked up about that.

For context, when my MIL found out that I was leaving ExH, after 20 years, due to his repeated cheating, her response was "he was just having a bit of fun, whereas you are splitting up a family", making ME the villain of the piece, and just like that, after 20 years of being my MIL, she never spoke to me again. She was a devout catholic, never missed church etc, she just couldn't see her own son for what he really was.

You don't say your ages, how long you've been together. Do you want to stay with him. I'm not sure I would after this, tbh. It just might take a while to leave. It took me 4 years of dithering, so I know how you feel.

Thanks for your response - that’s really helpful that you’re relatable. I am 33, he is 43 and we have two children 6 & 9. Been together 15 years, married 2 years. X