It's toxic

[whirlwind11]

I am four years into what has become a very toxic relationship.

I want to leave but there are so many conflicting thoughts and feelings. I love him in the non toxic times more than anything. I'm the down times I despise him. He makes me anxious, batters my self esteem and speaks to me so badly.

If I end this I will have no one. I have a very small circle and the fear of loneliness keeps me trapped.

On top of that, financially I am going to go under as I cannot keep everything going. Stupidly there is a large recent joint financial commitment that is entirely in my name.

I feel absolutely lost and do not know what to do.

I think you need to cut him loose. I think you know that too. Deep breath. Channel your efforts into sorting out your financial situation. Do it straightaway. Get some advice, confide in someone you trust. That will help you clear your head into sorting out the rest of it.

Have you got kids?

What is toxic? Is it something that could be saved with work from both of you?

If you're worried about money, talk to step change. They can help consolidate smaller payments I believe

No children.

Toxic is the way I'm spoken to a lot of the time. For example a conversation this morning about a broken dishwasher within five minutes turned into a conversation about my eating habits and not helping myself. I am sat here not even knowing how that happened as if I've been hypnotised or have some kind of dementia.

You don't have to work out what is going on, save your energy for getting out. Make a phonecall now regarding the finance, action will make you feel better, and find out what your options are. Step change also a good idea, get in touch with them.

Tell your close circle that you are leaving, speak it out loud, and set the wheels in motion. If you leave him, this time next year you won't know yourself. You have been ground down, leave while there's still something left of you.

It’s not a good relationship if you’re continually anxious and feel its eroding your self esteem. I understand your concern about being lonely but really it sounds as if your relationship is going to turn you into a wreck if you stay.

You can leave and do something about loneliness by reconnecting with people and living again. Just because your circle is small now doesn’t mean it has to stay that way forever. It is hard when you’re in it to see the woods for the trees but your current situation sounds bleak. You can make it better but it would require mustering up a bit of inner strength, which I know isn’t easy. I think you feel overwhelmed so take it step by step, starting with your finances. Is the joint financial commitment a mortgage?