Family members going no contact. Should I get involved?

[Warriorworrier]

One of my husband's cousins (I’ll call him John) has decided to go no contact with his dad (my husband’s uncle.) I don’t know the reason he decided this, only that they have had a difficult relationship but I assumed, until recently, that it was just typical parent/teenager quarrels.

John’s parents have been divorced since he was a child and he is now 21 and at university. Everything I know has been filtered through my husband’s family so I don’t have any real details about what has happened, only that John has recently started going to therapy and told his dad he doesn’t want to have a relationship with him anymore.

The thing is, the whole family seem to think John is being ridiculous and that he should make up with his dad for the sake of his Nana (who is in her 90s). John’s dad lives with her and so by going no contact with his dad, it means John also has to limit contact with her also.

I am very much of the opposite opinion. I don’t know what has gone on but I do know that going no contact with someone is an incredibly hard decision to make and wouldn’t be done flippantly. And the fact that he is so young and in therapy speaks volumes.

I really get on with John’s dad and he is great with my children (who are both still little). But I know two things can be true at once and you can be a great uncle but a problematic father.

I keep hearing that various other family members have contacted John to tell him to reconcile with his dad and it doesn’t seem like anyone has shown him any understanding or support. I want to message him to offer him my support but I really don’t know if I am stepping out of line if I do so.

I have never directly contacted him before so I would have to get his number from my husband. My husband doesn’t want to get involved at all but says it’s up to me if I do.

My worry is that John is going to end up totally isolated and will block contact with the whole family or he will cave in to the pressure to reconcile - his dad having done nothing to change or rebuild - and have all his feelings completely invalided and belittled. Neither can be good for his mental health.

Should I get involved? One part of me says ‘it’s none of my business’ but the other part of me thinks some has got to stick up for him!

Dear god. I would certainly stay out of that. I would really feel it was none of my business.
You’ve no idea what has triggered his decision.

Stay well clear.

It is nobody else's business. Stay out of it.

I would message, if I knew him reasonably well, and say that you hope he is ok and that you realise things must be quite tough for him at the moment.
That he is welcome to stay in contact with you, and you don’t want him to lose all access to that side of the family unless that’s his preference.

I'm not sure why you want to be involved?

Stay out of it and keep separate relationships with them if you can. You'd just be a flying monkey if you got involved.

No. If you had a relationship with him that would be different.

I guess I’m just a bit concerned for him. It seems like the whole family is turning their back on him and he is in therapy, so he probably isn’t in a great place mentally.

I think the advice here is right and I shouldn’t interfere but I keep thinking that if something bad happens I’m going to hate myself for not reaching out.

I would possibly be cautious about your kids spending any unsupervised time with John's dad. Like you say, people don't go no contact for no reason.

Thanks, I really like how this is worded. I think this strikes the right tone without sounding like I want interfer.

I like this. It's pretty well known that when a person goes no contact with one family member, a toxic family will rally round and ostracise the one who has gone NC rather than a more difficult family member.
Not saying that the family is toxic, but in a fundamentally healthy family the members communicate properly and sort things out.

I admire your desire to give the lad a bit of support, even just to let him know not everyone is against him.

I agree with this. I went NC with a close family member for very good reasons but didn't feel I could fully explain my reasons to the extended family (partly because I knew it would cause even more upset for other family members, and partly because I knew he would call me a liar and I was not sure anyone would believe me). I know that the story being told was that I was being entirely unreasonable, attention seeking and out to cause trouble. It was awkward for me to be around any of the family because they frequently tried to engineer situations where the person I was NC with would just 'pop by' and tried to instigate discussions etc to 'just sort all this silliness out'. It would have meant a lot of someone had contacted me to let me know that they 'got' that I wouldn't have done this on a whim and that we could continue contact regardless.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate hearing things from your perspective and I am sorry you had to go through that.

My hope is that he has a strong support network around him of friends and family from his mum’s side.

A fair amount of this goes on in my extended family. People fall out.

I don’t take sides, listen to everyone and avoid intervening- but don’t cut people off.

People who are cut off, even if they behaved badly, are vulnerable. I prefer people to stay in touch to the extent they are able rather than choosing sides and backing each other.

If one of my DC felt they had to go NC with me, I’d actively want everyone else to stay in touch. They would be safer that way.

Don’t fall into the trap of getting involved though. I foolishly believed both sides telling me how sad they were about an estrangement. Helped them reconnect, only to be told how inconvenient it was 🤣. I no longer believe the tales of woe from either side!

@KeirSpoutsTwaddle I agree to a large degree, and that works in a reasonably normal family set up. With an abusive family dynamic, people find themselves fearing upsetting a particularly unpleasant family member, and that's what I referred to as toxic. Of course we don't know what's going on in@Warriorworrier's family. It could be either so differing viewpoint are really helpful for her I should think

They never spend any unsupervised time with him.

I'm really overly cautious when it come to that kind of stuff anyway. I listen to way too much true crime stuff!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond. It has been immensely helpful to hear the different perspectives.

I have decided to send John a short text, saying I hope he is ok. We are here if he needs us but will respect his wishes if he doesn’t want any contact.

If his dad ever brooches the subject with me, I will tell him what I think (which is basically to give John space and seek therapy) but I’m not going to offer any unsolicited advice.

@Warriorworrier - I agree that the wording @KeirSpoutsTwaddle is good. I also agree with posters pointing out that it is pretty common that when one member of the family decides to go non contact, the rest of the family can often take the side of the other person and this just makes it worse.

DH's DN did not go completely no contact, but very LC for a long time. And the way in which his family all were on at him ALL the time to make up with his father left me very very uncomfortable. I tried to make sure he knew that I completely understood where he was coming from.

There's a huge difference between "getting involved" and keeping lines of communication open. Too often, people are so busy trying not to get involved, they land up alienating and isolating the other person.

Well done @Warriorworrier I think you've done the right thing 💐

Yes, in hindsight, my post title was poorly worded. I think some people might have thought I wanted to plan some kind of family intervention. I just want to show John a bit of moral support really.

I know whatever I do the family will see it as me ‘getting involved’ - hence the title choice.

I totally get it. I probably wasn't clear - I just meant that a lot of people think even reaching out is "getting involved" which I think is bollocks and it really really annoys me! You are handling this well!

No, you were clear. I was agreeing with what you said. Sorry if I came across at all combative! Thanks 💐