Husband says he isn’t in love with me anymore

[Kea6]

Long post alert.
my marriage has been rocky for a while I messed up financially years ago he had emotional affairs a lot of them.
we we’re getting better till his parents died and I found he had been texting a friend and even bought her a vibrator.
we’ve been rocky since and selling our house. That was eight months ago. I’m be tried moving on but he’s very distant.
he told me other night randomly he no longer is in love with me. I said I want to be in a relationship where someone’s in love with me.
he went to our other house for a night but is back. He still says he isn’t in love with me is constantly on his phone and doesn’t think it’s worth working on. He wants to sleep with other people I’m boring and vanilla. yet when house is sold he wants us to go on holiday together with kids and come to a friends party this week.
he’s got depression and it’s the anniversary of his parents passing this week. I think it’s alot to do with that and selling house.
he’s not being affectionate doesn’t want to talk about it but is sleeping in same bed and just doing whatever he likes really no sex obviously I said that’s off as he doesn’t want me.
but right now I’m in limbo he sleeps sound I’m wide awake in turmoil. He doesn’t want to talk I do. Shows no emotion I’m emotional. He always on his phone.
I know what he’s like in few weeks he will be acting fine and il be left a mess inside.
he has changed his Watsap so I don’t see when he’s online, has a insta I can’t see etc. has made Facebook posts but left out the photos with me in.
I feel he’s having his cake and eating it, I’m here and he just gets to decide. Everything I’ve read says give him space etc. I do love him and want my marriage to heal. But how long do I let him just do whatever it’s been a week and we’re getting nowhere. He could stay at other house but has chose not to. It’s ox signals I feel but he says it’s not and he will get a hotel if I make it’s impossible to cohabit. I haven’t done anything wrong why’s it out back on me.
I’m heartbroken.

Your marriage is done. It's never going to come back. Time to work on separating properly.

OP you can't control how someone feels. He says he doesn't love you and doesn't want to work on the relationship so I suggest you look into a divorce.

Morning, I can completely understand why are you struggling with this.

If he doesn't think it's worth working on, wants to sleep with others, is contacting other people and buying them vibrators then he has clearly checked out.

He's probably trying to have his cake and eat it and thinks by spending time together in the summer and on holiday it will be enough to keep you ticking along happily prepared to manage the house and look after him while he finds out what else is out there.

My advice to you would be to stop focusing on him and what he's going to do and start getting yourself organised. Get a good grip on the finances, speak to a solicitor and leave him to it. Then you decide if you want to proceed with a divorce.

He's expressly told you that he doesn't love you.

He's openly contacting other women and buying them sex toys.

He's changed his WhattsApp/Insta etc to block you from seeing anything.

He's told you that he is actively seeking other women to sleep with.

He's told you the 'role' you are now expected to play, i.e 'Mother' and 'facilitator' of/for his 'life'. i.e You're good enough to go on holiday with him and the kids, but only so he can holiday with zero 'expectations' of parenting/help/support from him (and most likely so he can leave you alone in the evenings with the kids, and he can fuck off drinking and womanizing till the dawn).

So I'm confused, what is it exactly that you deem 'worth saving' exactly?

He is simply using you. He has zero interest in you.

Are you happy to show your DC this 'shining example' of a 'marriage'? Where the needs of one are all important, and the needs of you and the DC aren't even considered, much less 'respected' or even 'considered' ffs.

His selfishness is total and all encompassing, so are you happy for the rest of the family to 'accommodate' the abusive prick? Or not?

I think you’ve posted before. My dh lost both his parents in a very short time. he adored them but his grief hadn’t made him but other women sex toys. He’s a dead loss, kick him out

You need to cut the cord for your own MH. Take the lead and end it.

Get all your ducks in order.
Leave on your terms.
Keep your self respect.
You can't change how a person feels; you can have control over how you behave and what you will tolerate.

Plan to live exactly where you'd like to be.
Swipe left on your husband for good.

My reading of that is your marriage is over. You're house mates now. He's staying 'for the children' and is being completely honest about that.

If you aren't willing to live like that, you'll either have to file for divorce or wait until he meets someone else who he wants to be with, and then he files for divorce.

I'd accept that it's over and sort it out calmly and amicably as soon as possible.

Wow, id get out now. He thinks you have to accept this pain?

Divorce him so you can start to get over him. You will.

It sounds as if he wants the convience of marriage until he can find someone else. Hence his first option is to go to a hotel where gets the basics done for him. You need to consider what's the best option for you in the current circumstances.

Can you move to your other house? Leave him with the children, or take them with you. Take control

Our current house is in my name only annd is protected legally to just be mine so he would have to leave. It all just feels wrong. We’re couple weeks away from closing the old one but I’m not going on holiday and I’m not the one who wants to break up. It’s ridiculous. Main stress for years has been finances which will be beyond sorted now and here we are ending it.
mil end up really well off financially and have the house, the kid’s majority of the time and he will be stuck in a flat or something which is just crap. He says he won’t move forward in life with me no offence mate but you won’t without me either.

Why is he calling all the shots? You decide what you want and tell him. You don't have to agree to what he wants. Many people have depressions and lost parents or loved ones, it's not an excuse. Be a bit more firm and assertive, he is running rings around you.

Leave him. YOU need to move forward without being stuck in this cycle of push men pull me with him. He's told and showed you how he feel, believe him.

You deserve so much better than this. Decide what's best for you and TELL him this is what you'll be doing.

Yes, he wants to have his cake and eat it.
I was in a similar place last year, she didn't want to let me go, after the time we'd had together she was used to everything we'd do and share together - but she wanted to date other guys, and just lied about it until I would inevitably find out again. And yes, even months after she'd moved out, slept with a few other OLD hook-ups, she was also suggested holidays together.
It traumatised me - I couldn't reconcile how we could still feel together, with what she was doing.
I had to flush her out of my emotional system, no contact other than absolutely necessary. Not easy - It's like a junkie going cold turkey - but I don't see any other way. Harden your heart.

He's all but physically gone.

Let him.

He's having some kind of affair, clearly.

Tell him to leave, your marriage won't heal. You deserve more.

Having lots of money and the kids etc sounds great, he will regret it in years to come but right now look after yourself.

He WILL move on in life without you, and so will you without him. It’s over. He’s not behaving with any grace at all, you have to cut the ties for your own sake.

I agree with everybody that there's NO point trying to save this. He's gone. But just wanted to add that it's not a reflection of you. In this type of relationship, we think (OBSESS) over all the ways we don't measure up. Not young enough, not charismatic enough, not confident enough, not pretty enough, not insouciant enough, on and on and on and on.............. but that's not what the ''problem'' is. He'll be chasing after people he doesn't possess yet. And that's his failing, not yours @Kea6

Being in a relationship like this for a long time switches the way you view yourself. Instead of viewing yourself objectively, you grow to view yourself through the lens of a man who doesn't value you. And you think that that jaded spoilt lens is objective. It's not.

If your marriage is over, then by the sounds of it, it's a least HALF because he didn't nurture what he had, ie home life, relationship with his wife. He had an eye out elsewhere the whole time, and yet he has you left so shredded that you think the marriage needs to heal. NO. You need to heal from his view of you as not enough.

Leave him and get your view of yourself back.