I just dont know where to go with this… I grew up with pretty rough childhood, which i know i have nightmares of my past, which is why i always fight in my sleep. And i been crushed by my partner of 2 years.
I m very closed person, i can express my thoughts and talk to any one about my problems or feelings, but i write it down. I felt we were okay, i noticed him stopping to spend quality time with me, its only would be gaming, and just his own time, while im left to do whatever, as it would be more important, He never bought me flowers after 6 months, and it hurt me. I told him about this concern, and he told me i should tell him when i want flowers so he can buy it .(i mean i dont want him to buy it because i asked for it, i want him to put a thought into it, as i cook for him every day, and everything he requests, that it might make me very happy to see flowers)
I even tried to be more to his needs of sleep( as i mentioned before i have nightmares, so i get very much scared from them) and i one time panicked because i had a flash back of all what happened, and I tried to wake him up to be hugged to calm down faster but in return i got pushed away and told to go sleep and not to worry.. which took me an hour to go back to sleep. So i never woke him up again.
i mean he would be so sweet to me before… and after he wouldnt want me to hug him and stuff.
after 6 months he would ask me to get my hair black, which i would argue and get very upset because i have blond hair and he met me with blond hair.
i thought we moved forward from a discussion, where i have explained that the way my hair is makes me more comfortable. But weeks later when i cut my hair he got very upset about it.
But i knew my breaking point was, when he started an argument with me on my political views out of no where. And have told me that i deserve to be alone, i dont deserve to have kids, and that my whole nation would die down so my language wont be needed to kids or any one, or my culture … it crushed me.. it made me feel so alone and unwanted again.. just back when i was a kid and all alone again.
Further more, i got some health issues and than a mental breakdown which i asked to give me a couple days to get myself together as i had a lot of stress… Before i even asked for it.. he didnt even text me the whole day and blamed it on me that im suppose to text. And when i asked that i just really want couple days alone and just be alone to spend with my mom to calm down… i got shit rained down on me… because i felt happy again as we went to photoshoot and I decided to be a model. He told me i would be a slut. Which i never was and used to be a model before.
And now i got told i burned our bridges, that im a total stranger, and make him feel cold in my company…
i felt guilty for not being able to tell him all my past, because it was just too traumatic for me, i m not used to tell how i feel, or show how i feel its hard for me.
I have expressed that im very upset that he didnt hang a painting i spend over 6 months drawing for him, and that its very important.. it was never hang … was just put on the office room on the floor.
But now im told that i do not see how hard he works for me, and that he even wanted to propose to me but now he doesnt know anymore.
And i felt guilt trip couple times into intimacy, just because the way it was presented as “ it will be fast, dont worry, i just really love you and want you. We will do it fast. I thought you want me “ or if i say i dont really want to right now i just get silent treatment. I just dont know whats happening anymore. He is older than me… did he just lost interest, and was telling me about marriage and stuff just to make me stay with him ? I dont know what i should do or think