I would really appreciate some help today as I am feeling very anxious and completely at a loss about what to do. I left DH a couple of months ago, moved away from our city, it wasn't planned but something in me snapped and I just had to go. We were arguing badly at least once a week in front of the dc (not his), I had a brief affair just over a year ago which made me realise my marriage wasn't working and despite coming clean to DH and us both 'trying', it only compounded our existing long standing issues, I regret ever telling him about it tbh as it only hurt him and damaged our marriage further. I say further because in summer 2020 we separated for about 2 months due to arguments, and later that same year we separated again for nearly the same amount of time due to him having a ONS. We also separated for about 2 weeks in Jan of this year. Me and dc currently in a month to month rental. I think that we have a toxic relationship in some ways - DH sulks for England and can be really nasty to me and dc, which has turned me into a bitter angry person who does not want to have more dc with him as I don't want to feel like he is my teenage son and the father of my dc. We haven't had sex in over a year, we have years worth of stored up resentments, we have done tons of counselling together and separately and we recently concluded that we both want the other to be a different person than they are, in some ways. Like I want him to be more involved with family life and less passive whereas he likes to do a solitary hobby most of the time and never plans holidays/activities or takes on any mental load or does domestic chores apart from cooking, he wants me to be more content with a quiet family life whereas I find it hard to settle and like to be out and about.
Yet we have always come back together with a renewed desire to make it work as we both say we love each other, we have been through a lot - international move, mental health struggles, job changes, etc - and he has raised my dc as his own since they were a toddler. But since being away I don't think i 'miss' DH or 'love' him in a true way. I don't miss talking to him as we have very little to talk about (no shared interests and different outlooks in most respects) and I definitely don't miss the atmosphere of depression in our house. I like being able to decide what to make for dinner, to take dc off to do things, to have my little house the way I like it and not have to resent another adult for not putting any effort in with it. I am attracted to other men - celebs, guys i see around - and I don't miss sex with DH at all. After my very brief affair (and btw i have beaten myself up about it for months so please dont flame me) I realised there must be something really wrong for me to do that in my marriage. Dc are sad about the split as he is the only dad they have known but they are doing OK and seem happy, and they grew up witnessing a lot of arguments they were well aware of. Dc now lives near family again, has tried out a new school and likes it, likes our house and says they don't miss living in the city. I have gotten back on track with my (remote) job which suffered during the marriage breakdown and I am doing self care and surrounding myself with family.
BUT. Today i feel longstanding anxiety/depression issues surfacing just as they did in our last long separation when I asked DH to come back. I am terrified of being alone tbh, i think i have been since I was a kid. I have been in relationships since I was 15, and i have always lived in cities as an adult i think for the distraction of it. I am scared of being alone, of depriving dc of a better childhood with more resources and 2 parents. I am scared of losing the security of being married, when i was a single parent when dc was a baby I felt quite stigmatised by people. I really miss family meals and days out, all the travel we used to do (that I planned), having another adult to talk to about dc or to have my back, i am scared i have ruined my own life and will have a smaller, sad life as a result. I miss my home and our pets who I had to leave behind. Today i could hardly get out of bed and nearly had a panic attack in the supermarket. I just want to run back to DH and go back to the familiar. He wants us to try again too, but I don't think that is out of 'love' either, I think he just is scared of being alone and having a failed marriage. It is easier for us both to go back. Again. But god knows what our families would think, they have seen us go back and forth like this. And i had a bloody affair!! I don't think I love DH anymore and haven't for years! So what am i doing?! Is this normal? I am the one who initiates these separations and then panics after a certain period. It makes me feel broken. On some level i think me and DH are not right for each other at all but that we are co dependent. I know I shouldnt go back.
But God, I miss my life, and I want to feel safe again. My childhood was ruined by my absentee father and bipolar mother, my parents' awful marriage and subsequent divorce, and the string of abusive relationships I had starting age 15. I know from therapy that I have a lot of trauma. I also have suspected autism and ADHD as well as intermittent issues like OCD and panic disorder since I was a teenager. Should i just accept that I can't manage on my own at this point, and accept my marriage such as it is? Stop looking at the bad and focus on what is there, someone who wants to be with me regardless of my faults, even if not for the 'right reasons'? At times like this I think i will massively fail my dc by getting divorced, at least otherwise they would have a 2 parent household.
Sorry, this was a ramble. i guess i just want to know if feelings like these pass or if it sounds like I should stay in what is familiar. I am finding it impossible to let go of my old life, DH wants to know if I want to try again, but all my issues are being hugely triggered right now and I just feel paralysed. Please help.