Can you please read this and give me your opinion. Are my 'ringing alarmbells' justified? ...

[mezco]

DH and I ahve been together 10 years. He has never cheated.

Tonight he was lay next to me on the couch, he rolls over on top of me and rests his head on my shoulder, I put my head on his neck and can smell perfume. I have been ill today so haven't worn any.

I tell him I can smell perfume on the back of his neck, he looks at me like he is a rabbit and I am a 4X4 and he's in my headlight IYKWIM. Well thats what I interpreted it as, obviously its hard to get your opinion on that as you didn't see the expression. So I can't be 100% there.

I ask why his neck smells like perfume.

He sort of laughs and tells me not to be stupid then lies his head down on my shoulder again, it seems to be he did this to avoid eye contact. But I cnat be certain, I did try to lift his head towards me to look at me and there was resistance.

He says he works with alot of women and alot of stuff gets sprayed around.

Could be true.

I go upstairs and he follows me, I, admittedly, am a bit cold and he starts saying 'I haven't done anything wrong FFS, I can't handle you sometimes.'

And he punches the wall as he walks down stairs.

All I can think of now is when women spray perfume on their wrists and then if they had their arms around his neck thats where it would rub.

Am going to bed soon but was hoping to just get someone elses opinion.

i would say the punching wall thing was ott

i'm not sure about the rest

Does he normally punch walls during disagreements?

Because if not I would say the overreaction actually makes it more suspicious.

He does do that sometimes. Hes on anti depressents and has been alot better lately. But does occasionally do something like that.

Never near me though.

Sounds a bit odd - my dh always punches walls/kicks bins etc - it usually means he is in the wrong though

It does sound a bit fishy to me. His reaction was a bit odd. You need to get to the bottom of this.

Ok, if he acts like that normally then its different.

It could be that some woman was joking with him/pretending to dance round the office and he didn't want to tell you, hence the "rabbit caught in headlights" look.

What I'm saying is that it could be innocent but he knew you would be upset so lied if you know what i mean.

i would leave it for tonight and be very reasonable and calm tomorrow and ask again.

Are you suspicious of him in other ways?

Hope you're ok, this kind of suspicion is horrible particularly late at night when I think things seem worse.

Yes, i thought the overreaction (if it had been) is the sign of guilt.

Is it definatly perfume and not just a sweetish aftershave?

If not, (and I am not suggesting or condoning this) I would go through his phone, and check the last 10 calls made, and when they were made. If they were before a point when you KNOW he has made calls since, he has deleted them. I would also check his texts (sent too) and if you can, his emails.

But I am a suspicious bitch, and it would be the look that set me off, not the punch. Has he started keeping his phone on him more?

Laurie that could well be the reason. I am very insecure and hate the thought of him at work with all these confident women. They work in a very 'jokey' environment and he often had pictures on his phone of the daft things that went on during the day and I got quite upset by them. I felt he had more fun with them than with me, Im the frumpy wife sort of thing.

So he probably wouldn't want to tell me, even if the explination was innocent.

But then again... I don't know ...

ok
do you 'often' question him like this? Or was this 1 off? Because if you do, his punching the wall reaction could be frustration. If you don't, then it seems a bit iffy to me, but then, as you say, I wasn't there! and all his explanations are reasonable...but...

Colditz, I look at his phone regularly, not because Im suspicious but because mine died yonks ago and so now I use his to txt from. He never hides it or keeps it close to him.

I think perhaps Im over reacting.

He does not wear aftershave. Never has.

He shows you the phone with pictures on them and you have access to it all the time.

then he is being open and honest and you may be overreacting.

I have definitely come across this a lot, and if I had a wet fish to bash you with it I would

You are not frumpy and you are quite probably doing a fantastic job, try and be kind to yourself

I wonder then, could he have bought another one?

See i am suspicious because this is the sort of thing my ex would do to hide his spending from me - he hid things, had another phone to receive calls from court and provident!!!

so ... have a nose around in coats and bags and things - does he have another one?

No he doesn't.

I can't see him doing anything like that really.

I'm gonna go to bed I think, up early tomorrow.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

x

I think if he's at home most evenings then he's probably not up to anything.

It's these threads when people moan about their partners never coming home that makes me suspicious.

There are really an awful lot of things that smell like perfume and do not mean the presence of Evil Other Women. He could have indeed walked past or been standing near any random woman as she sprayed herself with perfume. Or he could have been passing someone who was cleaning or disinfecting or washing something with a household cleaning product that contains perfume (as most of them do these days). Or he could have been in a room where there was a scented oil burner going, or a perfumed air freshener (particularly one of those plug-in thingies that actually squirts out perfume).
His reaction does sound a bit excessive, but if you are currently feeling insecure and are a bit prone to questioning him a lot, he could be getting fed up with it especially if he is not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, particularly if he already has depression or stress issues.
Basically, unless you have some other grounds for suspecting him, a perfumy smell is not really a lot to get upset about.

If you are ill, then your sense of smell may be off.

If he was reading a magazine, the sample things often get on hands

Does he take the train?
I know sometimes the hand-rail thingys have a funny smell

It could be anything - if he gets a smell on his hand, and rubs the back of his neck, then it will transfer.
If he has never done anything to make you not trust him, then don't carry on with this train of thought. These sort of thoughts are often poisonous.

Good Luck

I couldn't even look at my dps phones if I wanted to. They are always locked.

I agree with madamez, there are an awul lot of products which do smell like perfume but are not the sign of another woman rubbing herself all over him.

If he had been cheating I do not think he would have rested his head on your shoulders and definitely not done so again after yor remark.

Why did he say 'sometimes I can't handle you' and punches the wall? Do you grill him like that often? No offense, I am inqusitive by nature, too and have given the occasional bollocking to dp. I'm just saying you should back off in this case and don't question him and put him in a corner. Watch him, search the phone, check bills and bank stateents if you are suspicious, but do not bring it up agagin unless your suspicions are founded. It'd be unfair on him. Especially if he hasn't cheated before.

I worked in a 95% male environment, testosterone filled trading floor with boys flirting and making remarks when the markets were slow and boring. It meant nothing to me and my dp's from the same environment with loads of biz travel and conference girls all over him yet I do trust him. If I wouldn't, what's the point of being together if you cannot turn your back to your closest confidante?

Relax, rest a bit and kiss and hug your dh on the WE, make time for the 2 of you, cook something nice and talk about how much he means to you and you didn't want to over react but the thought of another woman upset you. Let him do the talking and see how he feels. Get closer, don't let this misunderstanding get between you.

How would he usually react to an accusation of something he hasn't done? If he usually says 'no, of course not, you banana', but this time he looks like a rabbit in the headlights, I would be worried. But I hope you are over-reacting, and everything is well between you.

My god, if my DH acted like that because I smelt of aftershave I'd feel like punching the wall too.

You really got that wound up over a smell? Really? When you have no other reason to worry?

If you generally have problems with him working with women and are insecure and jealous I think you need to work on that rather than looking to justify your suspicions with so little grounds.

Recently pretty much the same thing happened to DH and me. I smelled perfume off him and started teasing him about it. It turned out someone had put a very smelly perfumey coat on top of my coat at work and actually the smell was from ME but it wasn't my perfume so I didn't realise it.

Seriously, it's not fair to get suspicious of someone for something so small.

I would be suspicious.

I agree with skidoodle: if you are insecure and jealous the best thing you could possibly do is work on boosting your self esteem and minimizing your jealousy. Not only is insecurity bad for you because it's a miserable way to live, it is absolutely toxic for a relationship as the loveliest, most monogamous of partners will eventually get sick of constant inquisitions, constant snooping, constant 'pleeeeeease love me and only me and don't even look at a picture of anyone else ever or speak to anyone who's attractive' kind of behaviour.
not saying this is how the OP is behaving but she might be a step or two along the road towards it.