How to build interest over text?

[Laura2121]

Hello all

I matched with a man on an online dating site who lives a few hours’ drive away. We have yet to meet up or even speak on the phone. Initially the interest was quite high on both ends, but when we thought about the logistics of a long distance connection things fizzled out. He went from being very interested and texting me frequently, suggesting meeting up (at a time which was too busy for me so I had to decline), to taking a step back and now only engaging with me when I initiate contact.

However, despite me also making connections on the website who are more local to me, I am very interested in this guy; more interested than I have been in local connections. I want to get to know him more, get closer to him, but I am wondering how to do it. The only contact that we now have is initiated from my end as mentioned, however, he does want to continue the conversation and sometimes uses the opportunity to suggest a meet-up the next time he’s in my neck of the woods, which I agree to.

I am wondering how to get the ‘sparkle’ back that our connection had at the start; should I try suggesting a phone call? Should I propose a halfway meetup? We share a lot of the same interests and hobbies.

I am aware that we don’t live next door to each other but even if nothing comes out of it, it would be nice to atleast meetup or speak on the phone. I’d be interested in getting to know him more before completely throwing in the towel; it’ll be out of my system having tried it and then I can finally move on and focus on more local connections.

Would love some advice thank you ☺️

Would you be prepared to travel up to where he lives and meet him there? Is there something else you would like to do there so it isn’t a wasted trip if he isn’t interesting in person? I think that might be the only way to further this one. But I do think you have to both be very keen to keep a long distance relationship going, so if he is already distant, it doesn’t bode well.

Well, you could suggest meeting up yourself. Perhaps he's taken a step back because he may have interpreted it as a rejection when you declined meeting up before (even if your reasons were genuine, being too busy to meet always sounds like a bit of a cop out).

However...

it’ll be out of my system having tried it and then I can finally move on and focus on more local connections.

I think you should be mentally prepared for the fact that it might not work out like that. I think you may be kidding yourself to think it'll be easier to move on from in the future than it is now, especially if there is a spark in person. And realistically, the distance is an issue. You'd basically be doing long distance, which challenges even the most solid of relationships. So if you do decide to meet up with him, I think you need to be realistic about the ways it's likely to play out.

With long distance you need to ask yourselves, is one of us willing to move? If not it's a non starter

Hello all

Thanks a lot for your replies so far. I would ask him to meet up, but being the only one who intermittently initiates contact, I would need to see some more initiative from his end in order not to feel that I’m selling myself short by asking him.

Having said that, he doesn’t have much to go on, other than our text conversation. He has never met or spoken with me, and his only picture of me is my WhatsApp profile picture. Therefore it’s like I'm an obscure entity in his world. So if I do ask him to meet up at least he’ll have more to go on in order to see whether he’s interested or not? But I’d rather speak on the phone with him first given the distance. Again that would mean asking from my end, which I’d be hesitant about given his waning interest apparent from the texting.

Hard to know what to do!!

Im an online dating veteran - what works for me is being very clear. So in this situation id just say - Id really like to meet up are you interested and then you know where you are. You've basically got to make the decision to go for it and be bold about it. Or you let is fizzle out. Nothing to lose by asking for what you want!

It's sort of a catch 22. You want to see more initiative on his end, but you're not likely to get that unless you take further initiative to suggest a phone call or meeting up. So if you do want to pursue things with this guy, you're going to have to accept being the one to initiate things, at least for the time being.

I agree with @tfu that you have to be forward and direct with OLD. I'm not sure it'll be possible to get the spark back in your conversations without first moving things forward.

Unless you are moving to his town do not bother.

I've been hoodwinked by the romantic, impractical idea that "distance is no object" if two people are right for one another. I even once got deeply involved with a man who, although he lives in Holland, was only a few hours away via the Channel Tunnel and I spent a huge amount of time, money, physical and emotional energy getting to know him, getting to rub along together, meeting his parents, learning all his history and his foibles etc, with him always dangling the carrot that as he spoke perfect English, if things worked out he would be totally open to moving here (south coast) to be with me.

(I did all the travelling because he worked Mon-Fri 9 to 5 and I was not working, it made more sense for me to leave here at 2pm every Friday, meet him when he finished work, then leave his flat with him at 8am Mondays and be back home by noon. If he had come to me he could not have got here till 9pm Friday and would have to go back on Sundays.)

In the end I was left utter broken hearted. He unexpectedly landed his Dream Job when a senior colleague died, and announced that he would never leave his town. I was not able to move there (believe me I wasted weeks trying to make a move work) and so it was deadlock.

By then I was 100% in love with him and it nearly killed me to have to end the relationship.

Please don't do it.