Hello. I have been married for 15 years, I am in my mid 50s now. A lot of things about my husband‘s behaviour didn’t add up for me, but I put them down to the fact that he had been previously divorced and also has a very difficult mother. I now have begun to educate myself and realise he is something called a “covert narcissist”. In other words, he seems really lovely to everyone else but behind closed doors he is really harsh, critical, picks fights, is verbally abusive to me and intersperses it with periods of being nice and kind, so I’m constantly disorientated.
The problem is, we have two children who are now in their teens and starting GCSEs. Getting divorced would be a very difficult path for me to take. I only work part time, don’t have a lot of money and also have no family to help me. Plus, what really worries me, is that he would portray me as the bad guy if I finally decide to throw in the towel.
We have been in couples counselling on an off for over 12 years. He talks the talk but won’t walk the walk. Also, since having had children, our sex life has also radically dwindled, which makes me feel really lonely as I miss the connection.
I used to think that, if we managed to communicate properly, he would understand how much he has hurt me and revert to the caring man he was at the beginning, but now I realise that his personality won’t really change. Every few months there is a meltdown and raging, as well. Meanwhile, my kids are getting rebellious & starting to fly off the handle and behave more and more like him.
I know I should get out, but I’m worried he will turn the kids against me. I have lost my confidence, have put on two stone through comfort eating over the years, I struggle to focus at work, my house is cluttered – I am a mess because of the emotional havoc he has wreaked on me, but externally he seems like a really efficient, perfectly pleasant man who has a respectable professional job. He also constantly tells me he loves me, so to anyone looking in it would seem that I broke up a perfectly good marriage - only my true friends know the anguish I have lived in for over 15 years.
I’m terrified of destroying my kids’ happiness & exam chances and losing their support, but I live in hell knowing I can’t experience a real connection and love with this person who, at any given moment, can snap and say hurtful things & never seems truly remorseful. Please help me.