I can be upset right?? Bloody DH!

[GogAndMagog]

My husband says I should not have been upset by this but I think most people would be? Or maybe not?

I invited some friends to an event a few weeks ago, set up a Whatsapp group, asked them to let me know and I'd book tickets.

I had to chase people but finally all said yes apart from one, Jane who said she and her husband was already getting tickets with a group and she'd go with them. All fine.

I go to book tickets and all sold out. Really gutted but nothing to be done.

A few days before the event, Mary, one of the invited Whatsapp friend group asked me if I was going, I said no, it was sold out remember? She said Jane had given her a ticket. I was a bit surprised but said nothing.

Then another friend Sally, also invited on the Whatsapp friend also asked me if I was going, Again, I said no, we didn't manage to get tickets, did we? I ask if she is going and she says yes, because again, Jane invited her.

Honestly, I was really hurt, that even though I'd invited her, she hadn't invited me when she managed to get tickets.

But I said nothing, she can invite who she wishes, I'm not top of her list but I can by hurt the realisation of that.

In the meantime, on a wider hobby group, which we are all part of, two tickets became available. The two friends are urging me to get the tickets so asked my husband to go with me instead.

Then, on the day of the event, Jane tells me a ticket has become available to go with her, it was all arranged 'last minute'. I say thanks, but I have a two tickets now and am going with husband.

At the event, I saw Jane and waved hello but no further conversation as were quite far away. I see who she is with and it turns out the spare ticket she had was because Sally was unable to go after all!! FFs.

My husband said, 'how can you be upset with Jane, she's such a nice person, you've been really good friends'. He went on about it, not on my side. As though I have no right to be upset if somebody is otherwise lovely! But I can right? It was just one of those hurts you tuck away and say nothing about because there is no point but it's there in my head.

Do you think she assumed you had tickets already as you’d been the one to start talking about it? Im glad you got to go!

Jane must have thought you'd organised your tickets already?

No, Jane was stil part of the WhatsApp and knew we hadn't go tickets with an 'Awwv no'

As in she was sorry we lost out.

Dodgy.

I'd be furious and hurt with the whole lot of them.
Why did they all pretend to you that they didn't have tickets?
Bunch of bitches.

Your husband is BU.

I would be upset too. Is she trying to sideline your friends? You won’t lose anything by asking ‘Was there a misunderstanding the other day? I’m confused.’

I lost the thread of the thread, I'm not going to lie! You all got tickets in the end and one friend wasn't able to go. You're cross because you weren't all together or because there was a conversation you weren't privy too. I wouldn't assume they were all going already, it sounds like it was just uncoordinated. Maybe next time just don't wait as long for responses before booking.

The timeline isn't so clear here.

Presumably, Jane bought her set of tickets for her group before they'd sold out. Then you went to buy a set of tickets for your group, but they were no longer available.

Perhaps a couple of her intended original group couldn't make it, so she invited the 2 mutual friends to make up the numbers. Is she closer to them than to you?

Are you suggesting that you should have been a priority recipient for Jane's tickets because you'd been trying to organise it? I'm not seeing your grounds for being upset with Jane.

It just sounds like a bit of bad luck that you couldn't get tickets originally, then good luck that you could. Don't put friendships at risk over that.

Perhaps Jane thought you were not very good at organising things so planned ahead but couldn't get enough tickets.

I mean why would you set up a what's app but then be unaware of how quickly tickets sell out etc?

I think YABU

Jane didn’t have enough tickets for everyone and offered them to those she is closest to first

I don’t really see the issue

I’m confused about Jane’s timeline for having tickets. It does seem she bought a minimum of 4, and had some to distribute to her own fancy, but you were lower down her priority list than you thought you would be?
I’m really not clear what you expected to happen.

It does seem from your post that you might be more sensitive than average to perceived slights and that this is very very triggering for you. In which case, your husband is correct to try to get you to deal with the ‘wound’ in a much more constructive way. If Jane perceives you as someone ‘tricky’/‘prickly’ or ‘quick to anger’ then her options are limited.

I don't quite understand either tbh, Jane had tickets when you asked her and then she must have had some people drop out so she offered her spare ones to members of your group who couldn't go, do you think she should have offered them to you? Maybe she's closer to others or likes them better.

So Jane knew you were planning to go with a different group. Her group got tickets and yours didn't.

Why did she give tickets to Sally and Mary? Presumably they would have been thought to be going with you so she didn't buy them for them? Maybe she had people drop out?

I think if you are all fairly equal friends it would have been nice if she had offered them to you as you had tried to get tickets and failed (largely due to friends not coming back to you) But presumably she only had two spare tickets. I guess you need to consider she sees Sally and Mary as closer friends.

I don't know if you have a right to be miffed I'd assume if she had had three spare tickets you would have been included but she has shown you where you are in her friendships.

Well I buy tickets for some events without really knowing exactly who I’m going to go with. If this event was due to sell out it might be Jane bought a few based off a vague agreement with a group of friends who then have been a bit flakey. You prefer to get concrete numbers up front which of course can be more time consuming if people aren’t decisive.

Why didn't you get tickets?

I invited lots of people to the cinema a while back. I sent a screen shot of which seats I'd booked so they could book near me.

It would be weird to not buy yourself a ticket especially if it's likely to sell out, what did you expect to happen instead? What would you expect the timeline to be?

I don’t really see what Jane has done wrong.

Just to say: I used to try and do what you tried to do ie organise a group outing, but learnt many years ago that if there’s something I really want to see that may sell out, I need to just get my own tickets and let other people know about the event. Sometimes, depending on cost, I would get a couple of spare tickets and find people to go with after. Otherwise you risk missing out.

Jane bought tickets. Had some spare and offered them to some people in your group. She didn’t have enough spare for you. When one did become spare she offered you it. Probably talking about it being last minute as the 2 people gave spare tickets to knew you weren’t happy that you hadn’t been offered one of hers.

2 tickets became available and you got them for you and invited your husband. Is this just a group of 4 of you? Because if it was a bigger group (which it sounds like it was from the Op) didn’t you get your hands on tickets and not offer the spare to the wider group? Invited your husband instead? Isnt that the same as what Jane did. Offered her spares to people she knows?

if it’s just the 4 of you not sure how it took so long to organise just 2 friends saying yes.

I honestly can’t see what Jane that’s so upsetting. Unless you believe for some reason that you should have been offered one of Jane’s spares first. But I don’t understand why you think that.

Thanks for all the responses. I suppose I was thinking if you have tickets going spare, you might think to offer them to a person who had invited you themselves.

But she didn't. So yes, I now know I'm lower down in her friendship priority, and she doesn't mind that I know it. That's the bit that left me feeling a bit upset.

I suppose I have invited this group to quite a few things and the one time Jane had ticket to something I specifically wanted to go to (hence me organising) , she didn't think of me.

Like I said in my post, DH says I can't be upset becuse she is so nice!

This will sound harsh, but the bottom line is that Mary and Sally are above you in Jane's friendship pecking order. Yes, it's hurtful to find out but it doesn't make Jane a bad person. However, at least you know exactly what to do next time you're arranging anything.......

It doesn't matter how nice she is, she made you feel less important and that's going to hurt. I'd be upset too. I wouldn't fall out with anyone, mind you. I don't agre with your DH, but there are going to be times when he just doesn't get it.