Obsessed over emotional affair??

[Notsogood24]

I've been embroiled in a somewhat of an emotional affair with a male friend, it recently turned very flirty..every since this I knew a line had been crossed and I had to shut it down which I did. But me and this guy regularly cross eachothers paths so total avoidance is pretty much impossible. I cannot get him off my mind. He is always on my mind and I find myself thinking about him and imagining scenarios and future together, it's like I've become obsessed and it's embarrassing! Although I know this is absurd and I know it's wrong. I feel terrible because I do very much love my partner but something is missing mostly sexually. I've tried to speak to him about it but I don't really get anywhere. I feel like the other guy made some sexual comments towards me and ever since then even though I've stopped talking to him and we only ever engage in polite small talk when passing I still can't stop thinking about it/him. I'm worried it's getting out of hand as I'm spending ot of my time day dreaming/fantasising, even though I know I don't want to be with this person and it's just a crush maybe? What the hell can I do to stop this. It's eating me up. Any advice appreciated. Please no judgment or hate although I probably deserve it.

Just leave your current partner and then crack on with your fantasy???

Crushes are normal but the fact it’s led to an emotional affair is risky. You know you’ve crossed a line and now need to remind yourself of what you could lose.

You need to address the real issues as to why you’ve engaged in this emotional affair. You know things aren’t right in your relationship so now you need to decide if you want to continue working on it or not. Don’t distract yourself and look for attention in others as it will only be a temporary fix.

If you want to work on your relationship then please take my advice of cutting all contact with this friend. Delete and block his number and on social media. I know this is extreme but I’ve been in this situation and I know how tempting it can be to start up a conversation when things get hard. I know you say total avoidance is impossible - why is this? If you can’t avoid him then a polite nod is all that’s needed, no conversation.

Remind yourself that this is a cry for help for your relationship. This is you finding that you need more. By engaging in an emotional affair and thinking of the other person constantly is a way of escaping real life and running away from the real issues. Whenever you think of him then take a deep breath and stop yourself. Do something else and get him out of your mind.

If you want to be with this friend then end your relationship and see how it goes.

Ah sweetpea . It’s not real .

I was strongly attracted to someone whilst I was married and it was only when I gave my head a wobble that I realised my crush was being nice and kind only because he sensed I was unhappy. I fancied him because my marriage had died and I took any kindness from any man because I was having a shit time. I'm now divorced and I don't see the crush anymore.

You say you are having sexual problems. Either work on those together with a counsellor or split up with your partner. You'll also find your crush is not ALL THAT too. It's just a game.

What sort of advice is this? 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄 honestly!

What the hell!? Why even bother commenting 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

Google limerence. These feelings are totally normal from time to time but when it becomes an obsession, it's not.
Read up about limerences as understanding what's happening in your mind may help you overcome it.

Is he manipulating you
Are you being made into a fool

It’s natural to feel attracted to someone even if you were in a relationship. A crush will most likely fade. Having fantasies is allowed. You can have fantasies without destroying your relationship.
Being obsessed with a love interest is painful and addictive. You might seek therapy if your thoughts are becoming obsessive and difficult to manage.
Try to focus on your relationship with the man you love not your fantasy man. If you want your relationship to work. You are undoubtedly looking for what’s missing in your present relationship in the emotional affair.

I get like this OP. It can last quite a while (years!) and be very hard to overcome. I find it easier to get over inappropriate crushes when single however. They tended to last longer when I was in my LT relationship. I’m kind of in one now with an old flame who has a GF. It’s to the point of distraction. However I keep the faith that it’ll burn out. I don’t think avoidance always works but it’s sometimes best to try. The trouble with being in a relationship is that you cannot just get it out of your system. The only thing you can do is to avoid and hope it burns out, which they inevitably do. Try projecting your energy on a really attractive celebrity or something which will help ‘train the brain’ off the RL guy. You just need something to break the spell. Good luck. Xx

A wise person on here once said that lots of good sex with your partner helps with this kind of situation- so I think if at all possible work on that

Thanks everyone. I actually spent a deal of time last night researching limerence and it's shocked me but also calmed me down a bit as who knew it was a thing. I do actually have diagnosed OCD so now I'm thinking maybe I was always going to be predisposed to am situation and reaction like this.
I have no doubt iny mind.rjat the complete lack of intimacy and sex iny relationship is causing me to behave and react like this but my partner just isn't willing or listening what I'm trying to tell him
Very selfish like that.
Also it's 100 percent reciprocated on his side. He obviously just wants a shag where's I'm obsessing over sexual relationship and everything else in between. Like a love sick teenager!

Hmm I'm not sure but even so it's too late b cause I've got my head into this spiral of obsession and fantasy that I can't seem to shake.

I would forget the sexting for the time being and focus on either fixing or leaving your relationship. You say your dp won't discuss it well don't give him the choice! state firmly 'I am not happy in a sexless relationship so we can either try to connect sexually or we split'.

Do you have kids, a mortgage? If not then leave, life is too short and you can then pursue whoever you like.

We have a toddler. We are not homeowners and rent our house.

Well obviously more at stake as there's as dc involved but as I say don't put up with 'he won't talk about things', make him. Once the dc is in bed be assertive say you are very unhappy and want to try and improve things. Be clear with what you want.
If he isn't bothered then you may well have to reconsider your future together but honestly stop the sexting for now until a decision has been made regarding your dp.

I'm glad you read up about limerence. I also have OCD amongst other MH conditions and had two severe limerences when I was younger. Understanding why I was feeling the way I was helped me.
Sending a hug your way! I know how frustrating and all consuming it is but you will come out of it xxx

It's the weirdest thing. I feel in a constant state or adrenaline, shaking, red and flushed and hot, almost like a severe nervousness, because I'm always thinking about it. It sounds silly but it almost feels like a heartache. It's definitely physically affecting me. I know I likely feel like this b cause of what is missing in my relationship at the moment and the fact this man has dropped lots of hints at me has only made me chase what's missing in the wrong place. It's absolutely horrendous.

Are you intending to stay with your partner forever, or split up at some point?

I honestly don't know. I feel very conflicted and confused at the moment.

If there's no intimacy between you and he won't even discuss it, what do you think life is going to be like for the next ten years?

It's easier to separate when you have a toddler than it is with a tween or teenager in terms of how it affects them. Are you going to wait until dc have finished school/university? That's a hell of a long time to stay in an unhappy relationship.

I would make plans to end it now because it won't change and you will spend your life pining for the kind of relationship you really want but can never have as long as you tie yourself to someone who isn't interested in you.