Arguing over fundamental differenves

[Priyaaaaaa]

Is there a way back from this please?

We are a couple in our early 30s and have been together 3 years. We are discussing about next steps and where to live.

We currently live near dp’s parents in a large city (where we met) while my family are a few hours away. This is fine and we both work in this city and have lived here for years.

i am a little upset as there is a particular area in our city that I would love to live in, where we went for a day trip recently. He made a few noises about liking it too but said it was a bit gritty around the station.

fast forward a few weeks, he has now said he categorically does not want to live there as it is in fact too gritty and is far from his parents (by about 30 mins)… He has said I need to compromise rather than just screaming and crying to get my own way (I got upset in the argument but have agreed that we obviously can’t move there given his resistance).

he then said he only wants to move if he can “upgrade” property eg flat to house, whereas for me location would be more important than property.

I have levelled back at him that be is very diplomatic and will often say what I want to hear until push comes to shove. Eg early in our relationship he gave very diplomatic answers re political leanings (said same as me) and future goals re wanting to live abroad (said he would want to) when over time it’s be some clear he is more right wing than me politically and actually is not that open to living abroad.

i feel like we are basically really different and am wondering if it ends here. I of course have faults but was open from the beginning about what I wanted. Added to this he definitely wants children whereas I am more ambivalent (again I told him this early on).

please help!

It's important to compromise, and decision-making together is a critical part of any relationship.
But I think you have to be fundamentally looking down the same track in life - otherwise it's a recipe for unhappiness.

You do need to be able to compromise in a healthy relationship.

Do your arguments always end up with you getting really upset?

(And what's a gritty neighbourhood - typo for grotty?)

Sorry yes grotty.

How can we compromise on these points? Not really sure.

I do get upset mainly because I’m not very good at not crying when we have a difference of opinion which is really embarrassing. One to work on!

He's accusing you of screaming and crying. What's that about? Is he exaggerating and trying to make out that you're unhinged?

Can you not sit down together with a map and pick out a few areas you'd both consider? You've been in the city for years so I'm sure you know other nice areas. You'll have to buy whatever you can afford in the area, so he may not get much choice regarding a house.

Children can't be compromised on. I'm not sure how that can be sorted out. He definitely wants children and you don't know so that's something you need to discuss.

Regarding politics, it's a matter of respect. Having respect for each others views. That's not always possible when it comes to principles, so it's something to bear in mind.

I'm not really sure what to advise regarding crying during disagreements. If you feel overwrought, then perhaps ask for a time out. Take yourself to another room and take some time to calm down.