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Original poster

Single parent and dating

13 replies

givemesomewine · 07/07/2024 19:36

How would you feel if you asked someone you were dating

'How do you find it that I have a child' and they said 'well it is strange for me, as they aren't mine but then I thought about it and I don't really need to get involved or worry about that'

Tbh.. it's very early days but this was a red flag for me. I can understand someone who doesn't have children initially finding it 'strange' but to say they don't need to get involved or worry about that.. don't know if I'm over reacting by it being a red flag.. but surely you date someone and if they have a child you want to know about them as well as the person you are dating, and you would eventually have to 'worry about that' you know...

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to date and the person be invested from day one as I need to trust them first and know them a decent time, and build something with them before letting them in my child's life but ahh.. I don't know. The comment seems strange to me.

Like we come as a package ultimately.

OP posts:
combinationpadlock · 07/07/2024 19:38

well, you don't come as a package, as you are just dating, and that doesn't and need not ever involve your child

Mumoftwo1316 · 07/07/2024 19:40

I think it's better to have a distance between a man you're dating and your child.

I think it'd be a bigger red flag if he'd said "oh yes I'd love to meet your child, I'm so pleased you've got a child, I love children" or something like that.

It's more important to safeguard your child

audweb · 07/07/2024 19:42

I wouldn’t want someone involved with my child. My dating life would be for me, and now they are older, I feel like I wouldn’t want someone to be involved. I’d be happy that they wouldn’t want to be involved. But then that’s just me.

SSpratt · 07/07/2024 19:53

Sounds like you are thinking that this is potentially a long term relationship and he isn’t. Which is fine, he probably just wants to date, no ties/commitments. At least he has been upfront rather than future faking.

Fupalover · 07/07/2024 19:57

Was your question designed to trip him up? Not sure what the right way to reply would have been.

SandyY2K · 07/07/2024 19:59

I would be fine with it tbh. I wouldn't want them involved with my child as such. If the relationship developed further, then I'd be looking to see if they got on with my child and if my child liked them.

If on the other hand, you're looking for someone to play a parental role in your child's life, that's a different situation...with so many things to consider.

Original poster
givemesomewine · 07/07/2024 20:08

I just want to clarify based on the responses so far.. the question absolutely wasn't to trip him up. I'm not saying there is a right or wrong answer at all..

I don't know what I expected the response to be. But maybe something along the lines of 'yes it's strange but it's early days. If things progressed then one day I'd like to know more about your child etc' but it was the 'I don't have to worry about them' which right now; absolutely he doesn't and I know that. And I absolutely would never involve someone I'm dating in my child's life at all until things were secure and long term.

I don't know. I'm new to dating. I haven't really dated and since becoming a single parent I just struggle with ever letting anyone into my life. I just don't think I'll ever trust someone again but who knows..

I didn't plan on dating either. I planned on staying single (I have been for a couple of years) but I just am trying to focus on myself and my child. So this was unexpected.

Please don't be harsh. I'm trying to understand and also not jump to conclusions but I do have a big guard up and don't want to be majorly hurt again. Let alone my child. I would never ever wish for that.

OP posts:
Walking12345 · 07/07/2024 20:08

People seem really negative about a partner meeting children. I think it’s a natural progression to a relationship over time.
Yes kids come first but that doesn’t exclude having a partner & them spending time with your kids. It can be fun for the kids and it’s good for them to see a parent modelling a healthy relationship.
It may have been a bit early to ask the question from what you’ve said. Also his answer may refer to the short to medium term not necessarily forever.
Alternatively he’s not understanding what it might be like if you were together a long time. Even if that’s how he feels now then it could change.
if otherwise you are enjoying it then I’d go with it and see how things progress.

Original poster
givemesomewine · 07/07/2024 20:10

Mumoftwo1316 · 07/07/2024 19:40

I think it's better to have a distance between a man you're dating and your child.

I think it'd be a bigger red flag if he'd said "oh yes I'd love to meet your child, I'm so pleased you've got a child, I love children" or something like that.

It's more important to safeguard your child

You're right. Thank you.. appreciate the response.

If that was the case I'd of absolutely said no and it's way too soon and it would have been a red flag.

Maybe I'm over worrying. Dating is so hard

OP posts:
Original poster
givemesomewine · 07/07/2024 20:12

Walking12345 · 07/07/2024 20:08

People seem really negative about a partner meeting children. I think it’s a natural progression to a relationship over time.
Yes kids come first but that doesn’t exclude having a partner & them spending time with your kids. It can be fun for the kids and it’s good for them to see a parent modelling a healthy relationship.
It may have been a bit early to ask the question from what you’ve said. Also his answer may refer to the short to medium term not necessarily forever.
Alternatively he’s not understanding what it might be like if you were together a long time. Even if that’s how he feels now then it could change.
if otherwise you are enjoying it then I’d go with it and see how things progress.

Thank you for this. Appreciate the way you've worded this. He probably was thinking in the moment, rather than long term as it's early days.

I guess I naturally think ahead as dating when you have a child to consider is so different to meeting someone pre children.

Dating is so hard, I tried a little a year ago and it was all too much. I didn't plan on dating anytime soon and meeting this person was unexpected so I guess I'm just worried
Thank you x

OP posts:
Walking12345 · 07/07/2024 20:19

Try to enjoy it as much as you can and take it one step at a time.
I know it’s hard not to be worried about being hurt.
I do fully empathise with wondering if you can trust again as I am in the same situation.
I hope you can find happiness.

SamW98 · 07/07/2024 20:23

How early in the relationship are you - weeks or months?

It seems a bit of a strange question in the early days and even though you didn’t mean it as a test that’s how he might have seen it.

I’d just step back a little bit and enjoy the dates without thinking too far ahead.

RoséProsecco · 07/07/2024 20:38

How old are you, OP?

And your child?

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