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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure what to do

13 replies

Ivfmama24 · 07/07/2024 18:00

Im hoping to get some advice….

I feel like my relationship with my husband has fallen apart since having my miracle baby. I was very lucky to have my baby and as I csnt conceive naturally and only had a 10% chance of ivf working so am so grateful.

during ivf, pregnancy and now parenthood my husbands not been supportive emotionally or physically. When my baby was born he was off work for 4 weeks to ‘help’ but he didn't i was exhausted breast feeling every few hours and baby wouldn't sleep unless being held, but he wouldnt hold our baby so i could get some rest and would put ear plugs in. When he went back to work i was on my own- hed expect me to cook clean take care of shopping bills and baby etc and id be lucky to get 2 mins for a quick shower. I remember sitting crying when he got home one day as it was a hard day and he just said i need to speak to a dr for postnatal depression and walked away- i didn't have it, it was just one of those days. He would carry on doing his hobbies while i had no time to myself.

i thought it would be easier when i went back to work ( i work 2 1/2 days hours crammed into two days so we only have to pay for 2 days nursery) as well as doing a uni course for my job. He still does nothing around the house. He wont shared getting up in the night with the baby on days we both have work ( and i work longer hours than him). I get up early so i can get baby sorted for nursery, i do all cooking, cleaning, washing, bills, shopping, all the baby stuff etc with little help.

we feel like house mates and feel he always tried to pick arguments with me and than im always in the wrong, he calls me names when we have dissagrements, always corrects me on my language or pronounciation, weve tried marridgw counselling and things were a bit better but have now gone back, he moans im always tired and wont do my wife duties ( i also have anemia) and on hrt.

i just dont know what to do? Will it be better to lesve him but im worried where me snd baby would live

OP posts:
Fandabydosy · 07/07/2024 18:16

Your situation sounds horrific, he sounds like a right selfish, arrogant, useless idiot. Ask yourself if it would be worse without him because from your description it sounds like you and your baby would be better off without him.

Meadowfinch · 07/07/2024 18:48

Sounds like my ex, whose attitude changed as soon as ds was born.

I spent two years trying to sort it out but his (nasty) view was he'd given me a baby and I should shut up and get on with it.

It sounds like you are in the same situation.

DS & I left. It wasn't healthy to stay. I don't know your finances OP, but at least consider it. Talk to your family. See what you can work out .

EdgyCat · 07/07/2024 19:27

He is awful. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Do you have any support network? What do you get out of this marriage eg money?

Emilyjayne9421 · 07/07/2024 19:30

Your wife duties? He sounds charming.

Julyshouldbesunny · 07/07/2024 19:33

Wife duties? My fanny would clamp shut... Maybe he needs to move out. Then he can do his 50%parenting elsewhere..

Ivfmama24 · 07/07/2024 20:13

Thank you, I am thinking of leaving but I think he will turn nasty about it, which I don’t want for our baby. I often think my life would be easier without him as I’m basically living like a single mum but looking after a man child at the same time. I don’t think I’d be able to afford a mortgage on my own, but I guess I need to do some research in terms of support I might be able to get if I do leave.

i know we would have to sort custody of baby but I guess I’d have baby mostly as I’m with her 5 days a week 24/7 I just worry how he cope looking after her as he just doesn’t have a clue.

it’s not a nice environment to be in that’s for sure.

I’ve spoken to family and a few friends who are supportive, I know he won’t have spoken to anyone as he says our relationship is no one’s business and puts on a show in front of everything.

OP posts:
Treesinthewind · 07/07/2024 20:14

I’m so glad you’ve reached out on here as I know I’ll be the first of many women who will tell you that you deserve so much better. Yes, having a baby is a huge change for a relationship but nothing justifies him calling you names or mocking you: that’s just abusive, as is pressuring you into sex and making you think it’s your “duty.” You may well be entitled to universal credit to top up your salary if you were living alone with baby.

pinkyredrose · 07/07/2024 20:18

Was he a nasty cunt before the baby, were there signs? Did he actually want a baby or did he go through with IVF for your sake while hoping it didn't work?

He sounds awful, please get out.

G5000 · 07/07/2024 20:34

He has done nothing for or with baby so far. Quite unlinely you need to worry about him wanting custody. Unless he has a female relative with whom he can dump the baby, I guess..

Ivfmama24 · 07/07/2024 20:34

He’s a police officer so has always talked to me in a condescending way and always thinks he’s right and I kind of excused it to start with which in hindsight was wrong.

our first round failed unfortunately and I was devastated, I was told we may have to look at egg donation which he wasn’t on board with all all- luckily we had one last round with my egg and it worked which I’m so grateful for- so to be honest I don’t think was as bothered as much as me- hes even told me he only married me because it’s what I wanted and he wasn’t bother either way.

things have got worse over the last 18 months but I’ve learned to just ignore comments and not bite back as I don’t have the energy or can be bothered with it anymore. It’s pathetic things today he gave baby a bit of his crumpet with butter on, and didn’t baby down or put in high chair - was in the porch trying babies bag ready and he had ago at me for baby putting dirty hands on the sofa because I wasn’t watching her….and then says I’m playing the victim card because I said oh that’s right it’s my fault again.

OP posts:
EdgyCat · 07/07/2024 20:35

This is a real fear for many women about their children coming to harm or face neglect when with the dad who might insist on custody just to spite the mum.

Contact a family lawyer for advice on the law and your options so you can make an informed decision In terms of custody and finances. Meanwhile grey rock him. He sounds emotionally and verbally abusive, womens aid have resources, support and advice. I hope you and your baby are safe x

Ivfmama24 · 07/07/2024 20:37

He’s already said to me if I leave he’s going to fight me for baby, thought I don’t see how he would win when she’s with me 24/7 5 days week and nursery 2 days, he’s not looked after baby for more than a few hours on his own - once or twice

OP posts:
Neodymium · 07/07/2024 20:39

Ivfmama24 · 07/07/2024 20:34

He’s a police officer so has always talked to me in a condescending way and always thinks he’s right and I kind of excused it to start with which in hindsight was wrong.

our first round failed unfortunately and I was devastated, I was told we may have to look at egg donation which he wasn’t on board with all all- luckily we had one last round with my egg and it worked which I’m so grateful for- so to be honest I don’t think was as bothered as much as me- hes even told me he only married me because it’s what I wanted and he wasn’t bother either way.

things have got worse over the last 18 months but I’ve learned to just ignore comments and not bite back as I don’t have the energy or can be bothered with it anymore. It’s pathetic things today he gave baby a bit of his crumpet with butter on, and didn’t baby down or put in high chair - was in the porch trying babies bag ready and he had ago at me for baby putting dirty hands on the sofa because I wasn’t watching her….and then says I’m playing the victim card because I said oh that’s right it’s my fault again.

So he let the baby get the couch dirty and then blamed you? I would have laughed at that. Yeh right, you gave it to her what did you think would happen if you let a toddler wander round with greasy food.

he sounds very toxic. I think that’s the culture in the police unfortunately.

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