Passive aggressive comments?

[mummymummy2024]

Hi

I have been friendly with the mum of one of my daughter's classmates for a while and feel I have done a lot to help her;

I have helped her out on several occasions providing lifts for her daughter
When we've gone out for the day she never brings snacks etc so I always end up sharing my children's packed lunches
I've given her (very good condition) school uniforms after my daughter had a growth spurt before using them
Her kids have been over to ours for multiple play dates, wrecked the house and eaten us out of house and home. I have even taken unpaid time off from work when she had no one to look after her kids.
I looked after her kids all day while she moved house

She has never done anything to help me back and it feels very one sided. To make things worse lately I feel whenever I am in contact with her I get petty comments which I feel are passive aggressive. Just little comments which imply I am disorganised or that her daughter is doing so much better, they have a better house etc. I already have a low self esteem and just don't need it. I just don't understand why people are like this when all I have done is show kindness, go out of my way to help and I feel been a good friend. Lately it just makes me feel pretty rubbish. I have grown up with a controlling father who used to make comments all the time, I just don't know if I am being oversensitive or have managed to get myself into another relationship where someone feels they can feel better about themselves by putting me down :-(

She sounds awful. She’s using you make herself feel better. I wouldn’t expect a friend to return equally but I would expect a bare minimum of kindness and respect. Stop engaging with her. You are worth more than this. Maybe work on your people pleasing tendencies and learning to say no. I have had low self esteem so I know it’s hard and we don’t like people to think badly of us but she is just horrible and mean.
You are worth more than this “friendship”. If you can block her if not just learn to say no or that you are busy. I wouldn’t help her out again or have the kids over. If your children are friends and your child wants to continue the friendship/have them over for play dates. Be strict about what they can do and where they can go in the house. Don’t let them just take food.

You sounds like a lovely person - having few friends is better than having friends who treat you like this.

You've taken unpaid time off work to help her out with childcare??

That's just mental!

My reading of your situation is this.

You need some boundaries in place. Particularly as you only describe yourselves as 'friendly' and not friends.

She is taking the piss but you are letting her and not giving her any reason not to. You are allowing and encouraging it. Some of the things you've done for her indicate that this is a co-dependent 'pity friendship' and that you feel sorry for her rather than valuing her company. She gets to benefit from the fact you do stuff for her, and you get the benefit of feeling you've helped out someokenwho is less fortunate than you. The fact you have low self esteem reinforces my view of this it's a really common situation.

She most likely has equally low self esteem (or she wouldn't take your charity). She sees you as being in the dominant position in the friendship and this is all.about her trying to redress the balance.

Get rid of her out of your life. I had one like this, bitch used me so much. Another pal of ours suddenly stopped talking to me, no reason and one weekend this witch of a person told me she had a date and asked me to mind her dreadful child. I did and found out the following day she was out for a meal with the pal who stopped speaking to me. People like this are grabbers and takers and give not one fuck as to you as a person. Say no to everything from now on till she stops asking.

People like this make me really doubt myself actually, as I rarely ask anyone for any help at all.
We were without a car for two weeks and I was really struggling with the thought of asking people for help with the school run. I didn't.
We just cycled for two weeks. In the rain.

You can move house during school hours surely?

Just say "sorry that's my working day" or "sorry no" next time.

She's just a bytch. You need to become one right back. I have a PhD in Bitchery so let me share with you how I would do things.
The next time her brats wanted to come over to play I'd say HELL NO. Your kids are badly behaved heathens who tear up my house and eat like locusts. You never provide them with any food and always think I am going to step in and feed them. Not gonna happen. What you should be doing is teaching your brats how to behave, and not spending your time on the phone with ME making wisecracks and trying to put me down. Honey you are the one who needs me, there is NOTHING I need or even want from you. So let's stop even pretending this is a friendship. Keep your devil spawn kids away from mine and never call or even look at me again. Good bye, good luck and good riddance!"

You poor woman.
You are behaving like a mug and her skivvy.
Are you desperate for her approval?
Why in God's name would you do all of that for ANYONE, much less someone so thankless.
She thinks you are a desperate mug who hasn't an ounce of respect for herself and she is treating you like that.

Stop blaming her for the awful user she is.
Start focusing on why you would make so little of yourself and be used for so long.
Have you given any thought to how you are modelling such behaviour to your children?
Why would you allow your children see you tolerate your house being thrashed?

Forget about her.
Look at yourself and your children and how this affects them.
Good luck.

This is low self esteem OP. You're letting her walk all over you and still giving more. People in life will take advantage of you if you let them.

You need to drop this person, she isn't a friend and she has no respect for you, hence the passive aggressive comments.

There's a book called Boundaries for Dummies you might find helpful. You're ignoring your feelings, you know her behaviour is wrong.

In future, friendships are mutual. Friends reciprocate. They show each other respect and don't take advantage. Mirror the other person's behaviour and take things slowly.