Sex in long term relationship…

[DrySpellingBee]

Or rather barely any sex…I don’t know why and how it fizzled out, barely once a month now. It’s always good but never spontaneous, one of us suggests it on the weekend, but like going to the cinema…

It’s really sad, we have been together nearly 20 years, and between 2 stressful jobs, minor ailments, periods etc - it just never happens anymore. We both find each other attractive, very touchy-feely. Does anyone else live like this, is it normal as you age - mid-40s me, early 50s he? Or is there something seriously wrong with our relationship, it’s more like romantic friendship now? Sorry for the moan.

This is very normal in long-term relationships. But if you feel like it’s not enough for you, there are plenty of things you can do about it. I might be worth looking into couples therapy to discuss it with an expert. I’d also recommend looking up Dr Karen Gurney - her books about desire in long-term relationships are fantastic and really insightful.

Have you tried date nights?

We've been happily together for 20+ years and are similar.

Once a month is normal.
Had drink a month ago with 7 men who we were supposed to go into town but ended up spending the night in the kitchen.
some how this topic came up and 5 had not had any sex this year, the remaining two about 2-3 times.
All Late forties early 50’s married 20 odd years.

@DrySpellingBee I'm similar to you, but you'll get several people coming along soon to tell you that they have five children and have sex three times a day, as these posts seem to attract those kinds of responses!

It’s far more common than people admit to. I think a lot of people just get fed up with sex as they get older and have been married for ages.

For me it's that I don't feel sexy myself/about myself, now I'm older, so it's far harder to feel sexual. I still find my partner attractive to look at/hold hands with etc, but just rarely get the urge.

Thank you all for your honest responses, made me feel much more secure.

I think pretty normal, life- work, kids etc all get in the way

I think this is really normal. At least it is for us! I wouldn’t swap him and what we have for a more spontaneous sex life elsewhere

Common but not good. If you aren't happy with this then time to talk, to make more time

We worked really hard at not going much beyond a week ever, I didn’t want it to drift away and luckily DP didn’t either. Having young teens definitely put me off a bit at the time but we’re back to I suppose 6-10 a month. DP is fortunate in that everything still works well even though he’s nearly 70, and menopause just made me volcano-like hot but not disinterested.

What happens when you both talk about it? Have you found a lessening of bedtime cuddles etc as well as actual intercourse? Maybe you could reach for those more?

Normal here, we're similar ages to you but married less long.

We have been married 44 years and sex is not very frequent due to illhealth but this has only been for the last few years.

We were certainly having sex more than once a month when we had only been married 20 years. More like twice a week

It's hard to keep that level of excitement going in a LTR especially when you have work, kids, life.

Imagine if a self selected group posted they have amazing sex several times a week, would you feel bad about yourself even though this is not what your body wants?

We vary widely between once every five months and three times a week. Currently the latter but I expect it will wane again soon.

Duplicate post.