Is dp too much of a mommy’s boy

[needhelp3214]

I’ve been with dp for over 5 years and we have a 2 year old ds. Since birth of ds my relationship with his family became very strained as they were massively overbearing and controlling. Me and mil had a huge fallout and went nc for a few months until I reached out twice to fix it. I find her manipulative, narcissistic and over all very controlling of her family. I hadn’t saw her in about 8 months recently out of my own choice and first time we went into her house (at dps request) she made a sarcastic comment about me never coming to visit her. I let it slide at the time and said to dp afterwards about it and his response was “you need to stop being so sensitive and expecting me to run up to her complaining every time she says something” all I was looking for was “do you want me to say or leave it for now”. I would have told him to leave it but would have been great to know he had my back. Recently dp and my dad had a bit of an argument when I wasn’t there and I was straight on the phone to my dad giving off, all I wanted back was the same kind of support that he would have my back going forward (as this was promised when I agreed to have contact with her again) all he says when me and her fall out is that’s my family but he doesn’t seem to recognise the fact that me, him and ds are also a family. Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should have my back or should I let some things slide. I just don’t know how much longer I can continue this never feeling supported.

No, you are not being unreasonable! I have had this same conversation with my husband and he'll ignore everything his mum says and not have my back to back me up. Even from what clothes I put on my children. X

Your boyfriend is way too much of a mummy's boy. To me you also sound a bit of a drama queen. Your boyfriend will not stop and will always be tied to his mum's apron strings. You do not sound like you are suited to each other at all.

In the example you give in your OP there is literally no point in letting things slide at the time like you did and then whining to your boyfriend afterwards. You could have said something yourself to your boyfriend's mum at the time.

I was expecting a story about enmeshment from your title. All I see is a dp who accepts his family for who they are and nothing more. From your examples, it doesn’t sound like he is particularly siding with his family, but just brushes off their comments and leaves it at that.

His mother was only speaking the truth after all you said yourself you hadn't saw her for 8 months so why is this a problem? Nobody is perfect and you will find that in life stop causing problems where there are none. Also getting on the phone to your father to have a go at him because him and your father were arguing not great either, you both have a child stop arguing with parents and concentrate on your child

Instead of relying on your husband to speak up, make a sarcastic comment back! You are all family now by marriage and blood, stand up for yourself!

So you don’t like his mother, then he had a fight with your father, and you ‘got straight on the phone giving off’ because you think that’s ’being supportive’, and you want him to do the same every time you cross swords with his family?

I would suggest you both take a look at why you’re so quarrelsome — is it learned behaviour from your parents?

If a survey was conducted right now, I think you'd find that a large % of wives, don't get on with their MIL. For many these relationships are 'managed' for sake of peace within the family. I think your husband had the right attitude in that he let a sarcy comment 'slide'. I advise you do the same. There may be worthy battles for him to fight on your behalf, but a sarcy comment isn't one of them. Learn to manage the relationship on your own terms...I.e. visit occasionally, stick on the 'face', grin and bare, and focus on enjoying your own little family. Small price to pay for peace ✌️ 😌 😊 xx

Hard to say as we are only hearing your version of events. Sounds like you are low contact with her anyway so I would just suck it up for my DH for the few occasions I had to see her. At the end of the day he is caught in the middles of two people he loves.

I don't understand why you were "giving off" to your dad over an argument that was nothing to do with you?

I also wouldn't want my DH to constantly stand up for me, especially if I was stood right next to him and more than capable of standing up for myself if I felt it necessary.

I can't actually see what he's done wrong. Perfectly prepared to agree that he's a "mummy's boy" <shudder> but no evidence here!

This doesn't sound like mummy's boy behaviour, more like keeping out of the drama. You should have done the same when your dh and dp argued. Being part of a family is learning to tolerate and deal with different personalities. To get along its best to avoid conflict rather than seek it out. Yes if your mil did something dreadful in front of your dp then he should stand up for you.

I think it would have been helpful if you could have stood up for yourself at the time. Rather than rely on DP to come to the rescue. "Yes MIL it's been a while". Or whatever. Pick your battles.

With regard to the other family arguments it's difficult to say as we don't know the context.

So in the last 2 years you have been nc twice and the second time for 8 months. She’s right, you have barely seen her!

In this situation your DP is also right, you do need to stop being so sensitive. She knows you don’t like her and she probably doesn’t like you either so meeting her occasionally will be difficult.

”giving off” at your dad for arguing with DP isn’t necessarily being supportive either, depends what they argued about of course but resorting to shouting at each other all the time and expecting other people to do that for you isn’t the most grown up way to behave.

if your MIL is always making comments maybe you need to meet up for a coffee and ask her why she feels this is necessary. Sounds like she is jealous of the relationship you have with her son. Some people will never change. My DS ex partner was a nightmare, are you maybe giving out the wrong signals? . If she just doesn't like you then I would just stay away from the drama. DP is between a rock and a hard place. Don't make him chose.

You are unlikely to cha ge him, but you can change your response. Say something like 'I am not visiting your family until you support our family'. That's what I had to do. MiL is not welcome in our house for the same reason.

Do you enjoy the theatre too?

You haven't given any details that indicate that he's a mummy's boy. And one sarcastic comment doesn't warrant him defending your honour no.

I don't think your being unreasonable at all OP. You went no contact for your own mental health and mind due to her sarcastic comments which I don't blame you one bit.
He should have your back absolutely but whilst he's allowing her to treat/speak to you like that he's enabling it and believe me setting you up for a future of it! Nip it in the bud, smile and the next time she says something bite back and give a comment back. What's the worst that can happen? She complains to your hubby? He says something to you? In best case scenario she won't want you ever at her house again or he will show his true colours once and for all. Then you'll have an idea at what your future entails the more this behaviour is left to continue.

Believe me speaking from experience.
I wish you the best of luck xx

Do you equate quarrelling and fighting, with an expression of loyalty and love, perhaps?

your MIL said something that was mildly sarcastic, but factually correct. You haven’t told us any detail about her previous behaviour, but no that comment doesn’t really seem to warrant a fight.

why didn’t you let the disagreement between your husband and father be resolved between them, why did you find it necessary to argue with your own father?

I think it would benefit your own wellbeing and relationships with others, to look within and work on understanding the reason for your own thinking.

all the best to you