I'm asking this because I don't know if I'm being realistic or idealistic about us .
I'm 55 my husband is 42 . Yes there's an age gap . We met when he was 20 and I was 34 . We got together in a relationship when he was 23 and had our daughter when he was 26 . We married in 2019 after knowing each other for 19 years . We were really happy and lots of people who said that it was risky at the start have remained our friends .
When we met he absolutely adored me , I was more hesitant, life experience and a previous long term disastrous relationship meant I was cautious. That's why we didn't get together immediately. He was doing his thing with friends his own age , holidays etc . I had my own friends .
When we had our first Dd sixteen years ago our love just grew , he was a fantastic dad and is still . In 2015 we adopted our 2nd child . Again brilliant .
I had a period of medical ill health but now ok from 2018 . I stepped away from work in 2018 because of health while he was doing really well but working away sporadically. We both agreed to this for him to further his career and me to care for our still young children . I'm looking to go back into work now but will need retraining.
We live in a big house that he's renovated . I have my own small income from rental properties that I invested in before I met him . He pays all the bills , he earns enough to do this and more and doesn't ask me to contribute but if we go out or go on holiday I pay for myself out of respect . He doesn't ask me too and will often refuse .
As I write this it all sounds great doesn't it ?
Pre covid this was us . I loved him and knew he loved me .
During covid he worked from home , and developed a drinking habit , this led to some bad behaviour , moodiness , drinking every night and falling asleep and one incident in 2021 where I had him removed from the house because of him shouting , raging at the children , alcohol related . He was arrested for drunk and disorderly . I did call the police as a wake up call , and after months of him sulking there is a big improvement over the last few years .
But I sometimes don't feel the same . He came out of covid with a new desire to travel . He goes on holiday on his own sometimes walking for weeks while I'm at home with the children . He says he needs this for his mental health . He's had a few deaths in his family in the past two years and says he needs these breaks . There is 100% no other woman .
We go on holidays as a family and have some time together as a couple when we can but no overnights because we don't have that support .
I feel he's really cold towards me sometimes , I know he's in a stressful job and he's supporting us financially which is a big burden and he doesn't complain , he recognises that I do an important role too .
We very rarely have sex , although I feel him cuddling up to me and when he leaves early he kisses me before he leaves and says love you while I'm sleepy . But I don't feel loved , I think I'm jealous of his independent needs / holidays . I miss spending time just me and him , but I also know with the eldest being nearly 17 things will change in our family soon and we'll only have the youngest .
Do I sound like I expect too much . Why do I feel this way ? Him drinking during covid and after was a big shock and his anger at the time towards me calling me controlling was really awful but that was 3 years ago .
I don't really know what I'm asking but I just miss those early days and pre covid and wish the bad times hadn't happened.