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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was the breakup my fault?

20 replies

Mamaspegg · 06/07/2024 23:09

Hi all. I was in a 9 year relationship that ended almost 3 months ago, we also have an 11 month old DS (first time parents). We had a pretty healthy relationship, didn't argue much, we travelled, bought a house, and just had so many laughs together. We planned for our son and were so close during my pregnancy. When our DS was about 8 weeks old I did start to get very nit picky about everything 'hold him like this, don't put a blanket on him it's warm' and just generally telling him what to do and I hate thinking back to those days. I think I was just so anxious that this little human was ours and I wanted to do everything perfectly, and in hindsight I do think I had PND and didn't see it at the time. That's where the problems began, but whenever I would cry from tiredness and feeling overwhelmed, he would get frustrated with me rather than supportive. This led to weeks and months of him then calling me bipolar, or calling me a hypochondriac if I was worried about a rash on the baby for example, there were a lot of put downs when all I needed was a hug to calm me down. We disagreed on so much in the months that followed, some things I should have let go, but other things I had an opinion on and he just doesn't seem to like when my opinion differs from his. This could be general things for example when the baby started to crawl he wanted to put him in a playpen all the time, I explained that a playpen may have it's uses if we are busy and need somewhere to put him for five, but he needs to explore and this is how he learns. But even things like that he would get so angry over, it's seemed to be his way or the high way and he just hated me disagreeing on anything with him. I think I was always pretty easygoing in our relationship and went along with things, but having a child makes you more opinionated in a way because you want the best for your baby. We tried for months and months to make it work and then we called it quits around end of April. I have bought a new house and will be moving in around 2-3 weeks and I guess I'm just reflecting on our 9 years together and feeling so heartbroken as he has repeatedly made me feel like I am to blame for all of this. I did change when becoming a mother, and apologised and owned the fact that I was a bit overbearing in the beginning but I am anxious by nature and he has always known this. I tried so hard to make it work but everything I said or did he seemed agitated about, and he just didn't look at me the same. I'm just venting here sorry for rambling, I'm just beating myself up some days then other days realising that he's been far from perfect at a time I needed his support I didn't need to be told I was mad for having emotions. It's horrible when things unfold like this when the happy family you wished for just doesn't exist anymore. My DS is my world and keeps me smiling everyday but I am still so heartbroken over this.

OP posts:
XChrome · 06/07/2024 23:30

No way was that your fault. He's a mean, controlling asshole and you're well rid of him. You being anxious about the baby does not justify his outrageous behaviour. Of course he blames you. It's what abusers do.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 06/07/2024 23:34

He sounds like a lazy arsehole. Be wanted an easy life. Leave baby in a play pen because he was lazy. And how dare be call you bipolar!

of course you changed. You now had a child. Why did he not change?

how much parenting does he do?

taylorswift1989 · 06/07/2024 23:34

You are well rid of him.

Alicewinn · 06/07/2024 23:40

Almost certainly he’s a man child and couldn’t cope with your attention being displaced when he’s actual child came along. You sound really reflective and thoughtful and you’ll meet someone whose a better fit begore long x

Cantabulous · 06/07/2024 23:45

That’s a very sad story OP, I feel for you x

Catoo · 06/07/2024 23:52

This sounds tough OP.

Agree with PP that he didn’t like how all of your attention was on DS and not him. He resented all the time spent watching DS, and what he saw as over-vigilance, and sounds like he dealt with it like a twat. Did you both try to make time for each other at all during the 8 months after DS was born?

How is coparenting going?

Can you see a time when it’s less raw and you will both be able to talk more openly about what went wrong? It’s still only a few weeks since you decided to split. You are probably still processing it all yourself. And I expect he is too. Don't give yourself a hard time. Better days will come when you have both had time to adjust.

💐

Mamaspegg · 07/07/2024 00:11

We did have a few date nights etc, but things just didn't feel right after a while. Hard to explain why, we just weren't as comfortable as we used to be and the communication just starting breaking down bit by bit. We have talked fairly openly about it recently, but co parenting is going awful and he's threatening me with court now so that's just another new thing to deal with! He wants 5050 custody even though he's only just had the baby overnight for the first time last night. All I've said to him is I'd rather it be a gradual thing because the baby's had 2 nights away from me in his life (one being last night and I didn't sleep a wink haha). But again things have to be his way or nothing so not sure if he's going to follow through with that or not. The comments here have validated me a bit if I'm honest. I've reflected a lot the past few weeks and owned my part but he doesn't really do the same and admit he's been in the wrong. Just waiting for a completion date for my house then at least I'm out of the home we've shared together because that isn't helping with making me think of all the happy times we've had here, definitely makes it harder to try and start getting over this. Thank you for commenting ❤️

OP posts:
Mamaspegg · 07/07/2024 00:13

Aww thank you, I've done soo much reflecting the last few weeks 😅 Just need to get through this hardest bit and hopefully better times ahead!xx

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 07/07/2024 00:15

Mamaspegg · 07/07/2024 00:11

We did have a few date nights etc, but things just didn't feel right after a while. Hard to explain why, we just weren't as comfortable as we used to be and the communication just starting breaking down bit by bit. We have talked fairly openly about it recently, but co parenting is going awful and he's threatening me with court now so that's just another new thing to deal with! He wants 5050 custody even though he's only just had the baby overnight for the first time last night. All I've said to him is I'd rather it be a gradual thing because the baby's had 2 nights away from me in his life (one being last night and I didn't sleep a wink haha). But again things have to be his way or nothing so not sure if he's going to follow through with that or not. The comments here have validated me a bit if I'm honest. I've reflected a lot the past few weeks and owned my part but he doesn't really do the same and admit he's been in the wrong. Just waiting for a completion date for my house then at least I'm out of the home we've shared together because that isn't helping with making me think of all the happy times we've had here, definitely makes it harder to try and start getting over this. Thank you for commenting ❤️

Id be suggesting one week on one week off.
mis he likely to be able to do 50/50?

Ahlovetoloveyoubaby · 07/07/2024 00:22

So many men struggle when their partner has a baby. They have previously been the light in their partners eye and suddenly they are not. Don’t blame yourself- put the baby in a play pen- I knew people who did that over 50 years ago.

Mamaspegg · 07/07/2024 00:23

I don't think he'd be able to do it personally no. I did suggest one week on and one off originally. He works Monday-Thursday compressed hours and his idea was having the baby Thursday, Friday and Saturday night every week which is way too much in my opinion. I suggested a night a week maybe to start with but he's insisting on 5050 and taking me to court. I've got some legal advice etc so it's upto him if he wants to take it further, no idea if he will or not but he's said he's booked mediation for Thursday next week. I've done nothing but stress and cry over the situation honestly. I did a seperate post on here about the custody issue the other day asking opinions and got slammed on there with everyone saying 'he deserves 5050 he's his dad', hence why I didn't bring it up on the original post because people have such different views on it all 😂 Just want to do what's best for my son and 5050 would not be best for him at 11 months old in my opinion!

OP posts:
Honeysuckle16 · 07/07/2024 00:42

You’re absolutely right to refuse 50/50 access until your DS is older. It would be reasonable for access to be increased slowly so that your DS feels happy about being away from you.

It sounds as if your ex is being threatening towards you so meditation might not be appropriate. Take the advice of your solicitor about this. Draw up what you’d consider to be a reasonable plan for access to gradually increase over the next year or so and discuss with your solicitor if a court would accept it.

Remember that your ex should supply everything for your DS during access - food, clothes, nappies, toys, cot, etc. He should have arranged all this now if he’s being responsible.

KathrynWheel · 07/07/2024 00:44

I might be going against the grain here but I wonder if given your long history together you can work this out. I think you are very upset that the relationship is ending and would prefer it not to be, is that the case? If so, and if he feels the same, could counselling work? He may be feeling similar but thinking that the situation cannot be "pulled back" IYSWIM. If you want to go down this route I would show him your initial post, it explains your position very clearly in a mature and responsible way. I wouldn't show him the replies and you will know if it is better if he doesnt know it was posted on a forum? It sounds like such a sad situation for all three of you. Whatever happens I wish you well, your baby has a lovely Mummy.
Sorry if I've got it all wrong.

Jengat · 07/07/2024 02:08

50/50 is a hideous arrangement for a baby OP you are so right. There's no way I could have coped with that - I stayed in my marriage years longer than I wanted to avoid such a scenario for my young DC. So hopefully he will let that one drop. Was he a hands on parent when you were together?

It's not your fault btw 💐

kkloo · 07/07/2024 04:22

You definitely were not to blame.
Just read your other thread too and he's an arsehole.

I wouldn't be agreeing to 50/50 custody unless it was court ordered and I had to.

Mamaspegg · 11/07/2024 20:13

I suggested counselling when we were still together but he didn't want to do it, and even after initially splitting up I wanted to try again and hated what had happened but he's adamant there's no going back and too much has been said etc. He's attended a mediation session today and they'll be inviting me shortly but he's already saying 'mediation is pointless' and is pricing up court so looks like it'll go there. I really wanted to avoid it and have tried to meet him in the middle but it's a no go! Just want to do what's best for the baby and try and move on from this, as impossible as it feels atm😅 Thank you so much lovely x

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 11/07/2024 20:53

Mamaspegg · 07/07/2024 00:23

I don't think he'd be able to do it personally no. I did suggest one week on and one off originally. He works Monday-Thursday compressed hours and his idea was having the baby Thursday, Friday and Saturday night every week which is way too much in my opinion. I suggested a night a week maybe to start with but he's insisting on 5050 and taking me to court. I've got some legal advice etc so it's upto him if he wants to take it further, no idea if he will or not but he's said he's booked mediation for Thursday next week. I've done nothing but stress and cry over the situation honestly. I did a seperate post on here about the custody issue the other day asking opinions and got slammed on there with everyone saying 'he deserves 5050 he's his dad', hence why I didn't bring it up on the original post because people have such different views on it all 😂 Just want to do what's best for my son and 5050 would not be best for him at 11 months old in my opinion!

So you have offered him 50/50 but he wants it when he doesnt have to deal with childcare and leave all that to you? He isnt reasonable. You are also working. You also need to find childcare when working. Youve offered a very fair and generous 50/50 but he wants minimum effort parenting. I bet if his hours changed he would demand his days change.

FerreroFan · 12/07/2024 00:13

I would be surprised if the courts would offer him 50/50 for a child that young. It is not in the best interests of the baby who will be attached to you as primary care giver. If you don't want this to happen, fight your corner.

Can he actually look after the baby? Does he change nappies or prepare his meals? Does he put him to bed? Has he done this before for any length of time? How would it impact the baby being away from you? Are you still breastfeeding your son?

Make a case if you can. The poor child shouldn't be shuttled between households so frequently.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 12/07/2024 00:19

Did he apologise at all for his behaviour? Did he fight to save the relationship at all? You were together 9 years and have a child so I feel he should have made an effort to save it.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 12/07/2024 00:24

BoundaryGirl3939 · 12/07/2024 00:19

Did he apologise at all for his behaviour? Did he fight to save the relationship at all? You were together 9 years and have a child so I feel he should have made an effort to save it.

I've just read through your thread and see that he didn't make an effort. It's sad. He is throwing everything away.

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