Becoming exclusive

[howyoudoingg]

Hi all,

I have been dating someone since the end of May and things are going very well. Last night, I stopped at his house and he made me dinner, we had wine and he also made me breakfast this morning. I could tell he was really trying to impress me. It was sweet.

Anyway, he referred to me as his "missus" in a conversation and I lightheartedly corrected him. I told him we weren't exclusive yet so I am not his "missus" which he laughed off. He then made a comment about not making things exclusive until I was divorced. My ex and I have been separated for 18 months now but haven't started the divorce process yet because it's expensive. It is something we plan to start soon. However, it could take between 7-12 months.

I understand he isn't keen on me still being married, but I feel this is unreasonable and unrealistic. I follow the 3 month rule which is if we haven't made a choice to commit to a relationship by 3 months, I walk away! I don't want to end up in a situationship!

I explained that it won't work for me like that and I have a timeline where I will assess things. We then moved on and didn't discuss it further.

I would be interested in hearing what others think about this situation.

Thanks in advance.

I agree with you. No reason why you can’t be in an exclusive relationship whilst separated not divorced. I know many people who have been or are in that situation.
The actual divorce has about a £600 fee but solicitors fees can be very high.

Youre engaged in sexual relations with him and you're not exclusive? As in you're free to shag other people?

Since May?!

This makes no sense to me whatsoever. In all of my relationships, it’s been 3-5 dates before we’ve had the ‘exclusive’ conversation. I’m not interested in shagging someone who’s shagging someone else.

Perhaps I used the wrong word here. We both are exclusive in terms of sex and we don't date / see anyone else.

I think I meant commitment, as in an official relationship.

Yes exclusive is not shagging anyone else. If you're exclusive then you are in a relationship of sorts. Why get in a twist about whether you're boyfriend/girlfriend at an arbitrary 3 months.

But he called you his missus and you corrected him. He then backed off a bit?

He sounds keener than you.

There's very little practical difference between "exclusive" and "official" so I wouldn't be getting too stressed about it.

Having said that I wouldn't be in anything more than a casual relationship with someone who was legally married to someone else, especially if they didn't seem in any rush to get a divorce.

Good god, aren't things complicated nowadays?

Call me old fashioned but if you've been dating someone since May and you're seeing regularly and you're having sex with them, surely being exclusive goes without saying?

Or are you just free to sleep with whoever else you like at this stage?

How bizarre. Why can't you date only one person and agree to only date them and of it doesn't work out you start again?

If a man said that to me after this long that he's not exclusive with me he'd be back through the door especially if he was in no hurry to divorce his spouse.

Commitment in what sense you're a married woman?!

Of you decide to be official in 3 months what actually changes? Nothing. You just say you're in a relationship and thing changes.

This is just over complicated.

So what is it you want? Sounds like he’s keen to take it to the next level but you’re not sure?

He's saving his pride. He showed commitment/exclusivity with his comment which you rebuffed. Hard to know what you want from him to be honest.