AIBU? Feel like my partner doesn't help

[BlueFishes12]

Hi,

Me and my partner have a 6 month old baby and I am struggling.

I think I have PND as I am feeling exhausted all the time and having quite low dips in mood. I feel like I am doing a lot by myself but not sure if I'm just being hormonal and/or unreasonable. Our baby is a happy one and not too fussy as he is getting older but I still feel lonely and overwhelmed with everything as a whole.

My partner works 12 hour shifts, two days and two nights. When he's at work I basically don't see him because he finishes work, has something to eat then goes to bed until he's got work. I have worked shifts before and I know it's exhausting but thought he would help out more with the baby. When he's finished work he is exhausted and tends to sleep most of his last day so his days off he's knackered and complaining about work anyway.

For context I do all night feeds and everything else. Last week I felt at breaking point, I don't have support from my family so I feel like I'm on my own. I asked him for help and he just says maternity leave is my job and to suck it up basically, I feel like he has some resentment towards me for being on maternity leave whilst he has to work. (I don't feel it's fair father's don't get the same paternity leave but if the shoe was on the other foot I would be trying my best to help).

I do all the housework, shopping, cooking etc. I have tried doing less and he says I'm not being very nice to him (if I haven't made him a brew when he finishes work or ran him a bath...) which makes me feel like I'm being horrible to him but I thought this might help him see how exhausted I am.

When I've said I feel like parenting should be equal he brings up things that haven't been equal e.g. him paying more for certain things which makes me feel inadequate.

He wasn't that great during pregnancy either, I struggled with sickness and exhaustion then and he basically didn't want to hear it because he was working shifts and I was working from home.

Am I being unreasonable or should he be doing more to help?

YANBU. How much is he going to do when you return to work, or will you have to do everything because you choose to work?

Dusty - this is my fear. I'm worried about returning and having to juggle it all. He says he will just have to make do but I can't see anything changing.

I've tried to be understanding but I feel really fed up. Maybe I don't have PND maybe I just don't have the support I should...

Do you own or rent?

Own

This isn’t normal OP. He should be doing some thing. If he was single he would manage to look after himself and he isn’t doing that. I’m currently teaching my 8 year old to run her own bath.

He should be doing a lot more but he won’t. He behaved poorly during pregnancy too, the writing is on the wall. Sounds like he wants you to be his maid: he thinks it’s your job to run his bath or make him a brew. When’s he ever done that for you ; dare I say never?.

I would take a long and hard look at your future within this relationship here because there is none and your child will further see his/her dad treat you with such disdain. This is no relationship model to be showing your child.

Do you have a joint mortgage?.

With that attitude from him I would only take care of your DS and tell your partner he takes care of himself. And meanwhile start thinking how to go your separate ways.

Fathers don’t help, they parent. This includes time when you’re really tired.

Has he any interest in the baby at all? Sounds like he doesn't want to engage even in the fun bits. My dh wouldn't have been amazing but he would have been racing home from work to do the bath and wanted to spend as much time as he could holding the babies in the evening. If the baby is not a novelty at this stage when is he actually going to care? I think shift work is very family unfriendly but what about all those mom nurses who manage to do lots for their baby while working horrendous hours. He is totally a horrible husband as well as a horrible father. Can you go back to your family for a few weeks to just rest? Does he not have 4 days off? Can he not be totally hands on some of those days?
You are not doing anything wrong..this is not the way to be a father/ partner.

Maternity leave, means look after baby, and the mother

Not the house or the sperm donor or the cooking or the laundry or the garden or the home admin

i used to work shifts and it’s does mess with your body clock, but he doesn’t really sound interested

Hang on you look after a baby and do all housework etc and make him tea and run him a bath? WTAF?
He is an adult. Yes he’s working but I bet he takes breaks. You don’t get that in your job right now. He’s tired? Poor man baby. I bet you’re exhausted.
He needs to step up and be a parent and support you. If he hates his job then he is free to find a new one. But you’re supposed to be doing this together. Or would you be better off without him?

Sorry I haven't disappeared I was waiting for little one to nap before replying!

Thanks for all the replies. We have a joint mortgage.

He was great for the first few weeks he had off work but then slowly has started expecting me to just crack on because it's my "job" right now. I've tried to be understanding that he needs a rest for work by letting him sleep but felt upset recently when he took a sleeping aid and slept for 17 hours and then left for work so I had no support with the baby at all.

He changes the occasional nappy and rarely does a night feed after I ask him to but his argument is if I'm awake anyway what's the point in waking him up to do it to help me out. He does talk to the baby and play with the baby sometimes but he really doesn't do much. I've suggested he looks for a new job because he's always complaining about it but his problem is that the job he does is quite overpaid so if he moved he'd take a big pay cut to do it somewhere else on 9-5 hours.

I've thought about whether I could just manage on my own but then I worry about what work would look like and childcare etc. there's no point trying to talk to him about it because he always argues his case and I just give up and accept it/accept that I'm wrong.

Sorry for the long post. Fed up!

He's irritated me today after knowing how exhausted I am and woke me up at 4am running a bath (he's on nights routine) as I'm a terribly light sleeper and couldn't get back off knowing baby would likely be up at 5am